Level 8

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#41 May 8, 2013
Your buddy got shot and you didn't go to the hospital and you didn't call the police? Okay, sure...

Also, would you f' her already, please. Sheesh, she's supposedly a former stripper, not Scarlett O'Hara.

If you are going to go the fiction route, maybe add some dragons, wizards, and hobbits and talk some more about her hooha and tits. Thanks.

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#42 May 8, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
Your buddy got shot and you didn't go to the hospital and you didn't call the police? Okay, sure...

Also, would you f' her already, please. Sheesh, she's supposedly a former stripper, not Scarlett O'Hara.

If you are going to go the fiction route, maybe add some dragons, wizards, and hobbits and talk some more about her hooha and tits. Thanks.
Dude the reason why I didn't fuck her in the first place was because she was a wreck to begin with and we didn't go to the hospital because we were stupid and thought the guys were waiting for us there, all we cared about was getting out of there. And now you mention it... Dragons would be cool in this story
Grace Nerissa

Dublin, Ireland

#43 May 8, 2013
You asked for feedback,
So hope you won't mind..

In general I think it's very good
what you have written so far, is very good,
maybe a little more embelishment here and there

Ie>

'As I entered the room there was an eerie silence,
And there in the distance, II saw her sitting alone'

that sort of thing>
Decorating a scene, I call it myself

(I dabble in a bit of writing and have often posted
Some of my poems here)

You have something special in that you can
naturally and easily bring a scene
To life thus holding the writer's interest- as to
'wonder what happened next' and, that's a gift

(I think) and cannot easily be learned.

The best of good luck with the rest of it.

You also have a quiet confidence about
your ability, without being a 'show off''
and that's very important to keep you forging ahead..

you sure age headed the right way..

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#44 May 8, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
Your buddy got shot and you didn't go to the hospital and you didn't call the police? Okay, sure...

Also, would you f' her already, please. Sheesh, she's supposedly a former stripper, not Scarlett O'Hara.

If you are going to go the fiction route, maybe add some dragons, wizards, and hobbits and talk some more about her hooha and tits. Thanks.
Chapter 9

DRAGONS! WTF!?

We were starting to get comfortable, as all three of us, Jessie, ruby and myself. Sat down to watch tv. Next thing we know jake barges through the door.
"DUDE!! THERE'S DRAGONS OUTSIDE!!" He screamed like a mad man. I stood up and looked at my three companions, we knew what to do. I ran over to the secret entrance to our dragon slayers lair and started to arm up. Jessie picked up the mini gun, ruby saw her sniper rifle, and I grabbed my high powered thisisnotarealchapter pistols. I saw ruby and ripped off her shirt, her perfect round tits jumping up and down. Just as I was about to place my sword in her fun tunnel Jessie screamed "not now dude!! We got to save the world!!"
I put my master sword away and zipped up my jeans, just as Alfred my mystical wizard friend appears.
"Here" he said handing over the scroll of truth "you must use this to destroy the dragons!" He's hobbit companion appears next to him
"Say scoopidy loopidy poop to activate it!!" He said in a high pitched voice
"Thanks mr wizard" all three of us said in unison
"You are very welcome, and ruby" he said as he turned to her "nice tits"
She forgot she wasn't wearing a shirt. As we march out the door with our weapons in out hands we were ready for the battle that awaited us.

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#45 May 8, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
<quoted text>Chapter 9

DRAGONS! WTF!?

We were starting to get comfortable, as all three of us, Jessie, ruby and myself. Sat down to watch tv. Next thing we know jake barges through the door.
"DUDE!! THERE'S DRAGONS OUTSIDE!!" He screamed like a mad man. I stood up and looked at my three companions, we knew what to do. I ran over to the secret entrance to our dragon slayers lair and started to arm up. Jessie picked up the mini gun, ruby saw her sniper rifle, and I grabbed my high powered thisisnotarealchapter pistols. I saw ruby and ripped off her shirt, her perfect round tits jumping up and down. Just as I was about to place my sword in her fun tunnel Jessie screamed "not now dude!! We got to save the world!!"
I put my master sword away and zipped up my jeans, just as Alfred my mystical wizard friend appears.
"Here" he said handing over the scroll of truth "you must use this to destroy the dragons!" He's hobbit companion appears next to him
"Say scoopidy loopidy poop to activate it!!" He said in a high pitched voice
"Thanks mr wizard" all three of us said in unison
"You are very welcome, and ruby" he said as he turned to her "nice tits"
She forgot she wasn't wearing a shirt. As we march out the door with our weapons in out hands we were ready for the battle that awaited us.
Better?

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#46 May 8, 2013
Grace Nerissa wrote:
You asked for feedback,
So hope you won't mind..

In general I think it's very good
what you have written so far, is very good,
maybe a little more embelishment here and there

Ie>

'As I entered the room there was an eerie silence,
And there in the distance, II saw her sitting alone'

that sort of thing>
Decorating a scene, I call it myself

(I dabble in a bit of writing and have often posted
Some of my poems here)

You have something special in that you can
naturally and easily bring a scene
To life thus holding the writer's interest- as to
'wonder what happened next' and, that's a gift

(I think) and cannot easily be learned.

The best of good luck with the rest of it.

You also have a quiet confidence about
your ability, without being a 'show off''
and that's very important to keep you forging ahead..

you sure age headed the right way..
Thank you very much all criticism will help me in the end.

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#47 May 8, 2013
Holy shit, what is this? Forged in gods very flames
Do my eyes, tell me lies, a new elder scrolls game!

Level 8

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#48 May 8, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
<quoted text>
Dude the reason why I didn't fuck her in the first place was because she was a wreck to begin with and we didn't go to the hospital because we were stupid and thought the guys were waiting for us there, all we cared about was getting out of there. And now you mention it... Dragons would be cool in this story
Ever hear of the police? How many hospitals are there? Do you think they are going to have bikers standing outside of every hospital in the area?

It's not a true story. If you are going to go fiction, make it good. I have better true stories than this.

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#49 May 8, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Ever hear of the police? How many hospitals are there? Do you think they are going to have bikers standing outside of every hospital in the area?
It's not a true story. If you are going to go fiction, make it good. I have better true stories than this.
didn't you read chapter 9 dude?

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#50 May 8, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Ever hear of the police? How many hospitals are there? Do you think they are going to have bikers standing outside of every hospital in the area?
It's not a true story. If you are going to go fiction, make it good. I have better true stories than this.
also it is a work in progress, the gaps in the plot will be filled thats why im posting all of the stuff i have already written up here, to get ideas

Level 8

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#51 May 8, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
<quoted text>
didn't you read chapter 9 dude?
Not before that post of mine.

LOLing @ "I saw ruby and ripped off her shirt, her perfect round tits jumping up and down. Just as I was about to place my sword in her fun tunnel Jessie screamed "not now dude!! We got to save the world!!"

Level 8

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#52 May 8, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
<quoted text>
also it is a work in progress, the gaps in the plot will be filled thats why im posting all of the stuff i have already written up here, to get ideas
I thought you said you lived through it!

“The..”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

"..who whating how with huh?"

#53 May 8, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
Let me know if you want me to post up anymore chapters and don't be shy about criticising, any criticism is helpful in this stage of writing
No one is shy around here ;p

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#54 May 9, 2013
Ahh the madness of talking to oneself

Since: Feb 13

Step Into My Realm

#56 May 9, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
<quoted text>
Chapter 9
DRAGONS! WTF!?
We were starting to get comfortable, as all three of us, Jessie, ruby and myself. Sat down to watch tv. Next thing we know jake barges through the door.
"DUDE!! THERE'S DRAGONS OUTSIDE!!" He screamed like a mad man. I stood up and looked at my three companions, we knew what to do. I ran over to the secret entrance to our dragon slayers lair and started to arm up. Jessie picked up the mini gun, ruby saw her sniper rifle, and I grabbed my high powered thisisnotarealchapter pistols. I saw ruby and ripped off her shirt, her perfect round tits jumping up and down. Just as I was about to place my sword in her fun tunnel Jessie screamed "not now dude!! We got to save the world!!"
I put my master sword away and zipped up my jeans, just as Alfred my mystical wizard friend appears.
"Here" he said handing over the scroll of truth "you must use this to destroy the dragons!" He's hobbit companion appears next to him
"Say scoopidy loopidy poop to activate it!!" He said in a high pitched voice
"Thanks mr wizard" all three of us said in unison
"You are very welcome, and ruby" he said as he turned to her "nice tits"
She forgot she wasn't wearing a shirt. As we march out the door with our weapons in out hands we were ready for the battle that awaited us.
No, no, NO! Dante, it wasn't too bad but the dragons and wizard crap messed it up. I think you are rather playing us anyway...

I woud scrap this chapter (it's a farce)and think of something else. Adding words like "tits" really cheapens it, too. Just my opinion.....

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#57 May 9, 2013
Fairy Verte wrote:
<quoted text>
No, no, NO! Dante, it wasn't too bad but the dragons and wizard crap messed it up. I think you are rather playing us anyway...
I woud scrap this chapter (it's a farce)and think of something else. Adding words like "tits" really cheapens it, too. Just my opinion.....
haha you do relise i added this as a joke to shut up sublime, the whole idea of it all was to make a chapter out of nowhere useing all the details he wanted in a message, given the fact that the whole chapter itself has no plot and the characters might have been just a copy and paste from the hobbit, i will not continue this retarded story. the whole ruby story seems crap to my eyes all im trying to do is get opinons of much more experianced writers so i can progress the story and make it more better and hopefully readable :)

“A *wink* and a smile!!”

Level 8

Since: Apr 10

USA

#58 May 9, 2013
Just finish the story. I'm reading...:)

If you're going to embellish you have to make us feel like we are there with you, watching listening and hanging on to your every word.

Ever read a book you couldn't put down because you had to see what happen on the next page?

Pull us in sweetie....

I think it's great yo've got the balls to do this on Topix. This is a tough group of ppl to please..:)

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#59 May 9, 2013
Chapter nine (for real this time)

"Relief"

My ears were ringing, as lights were flashing out side I could've see Jessie freaking out. I was holding Ruby's hand and squeezing it hoping to see ruby sit up and give me that cheeky grin, but she was not moving. Jessie was talking to the paramedics, as they were coming over to Ruby's body And told me to move I just stayed there refused to budge they picked her up and put her on a stretcher I followed as I jumped in the back of ambulance Jessie was still talking the one of them
"I don't know where she got it" he was saying to him "none of us took it only her"
I was still holding her hand as the paramedics was doing all they can to help her, the trip to the hospital was quick as they moved her inside I followed, a woman walked up to me
"Excuse me sir?" She asked "are you related to her?"
"I'm her boyfriend" I said in a soft voice, I was pissing myself tears rolling down my face. She passed me a clipboard and told me to fill it out. After I did I just sat down, looking at the door she went through hoping something anything good news hopefully that she's ok. So I waited, waited for what seemed like days when finally one of the doctors walked out.
"Good news, she is going to make it"
A warm feeling if relief came over me, I didn't even thank the doctor as I ran in she was already up, hooked up with some IV drips. She looked at me and smiled but it wasn't that cheeky one, she was happy to be alive tears rolling down her face, as I looked outside the window I saw the sun rising I sat next to her and held her hand.
"Don't do that to me" I begged ruby as fresh tears started rolling down my Face "I can't... I won't be able to live without you
She gave a small laugh "I'm to busy trying to get you killed" and gave me that cheeky smile I love she squeezed my hand and sat up, she kissed me
"I love you" she said looking in my eyes I held her hand tighter
"I love you too" and I meant it to as I stayed next to her we just spoke nothing in particular, Jessie would pop by here and there with food and would ask if she was ok but he didnt stay long, I was never going to leave her side.

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#60 May 9, 2013
Ohio Cowgirl wrote:
Just finish the story. I'm reading...:)

If you're going to embellish you have to make us feel like we are there with you, watching listening and hanging on to your every word.

Ever read a book you couldn't put down because you had to see what happen on the next page?

Pull us in sweetie....

I think it's great yo've got the balls to do this on Topix. This is a tough group of ppl to please..:)
There you go :)

“A *wink* and a smile!!”

Level 8

Since: Apr 10

USA

#61 May 9, 2013
I'm still reading..:)

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Weird Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Ebola in America 6 min beatlesinthebog 27
What are you thinking about now? (Jun '10) 6 min ---Word Woman--- 21,367
Make a Story / 4 Words Only (Nov '08) 9 min beatlesinthebog 24,268
Evolution vs. Creation (Jul '11) 11 min anonymous 117,463
A six word game (Dec '08) 11 min Trouser Cough 17,624
Holder is stepping down 13 min Alias 2
Cows Really Don't Like Cowbells, Study Finds 15 min beatlesinthebog 53
What song are you listening to right now? (Apr '08) 34 min Nessa_ 147,688
Missing posters.. (Jan '14) 57 min beatlesinthebog 26
Do you have a Topix crush? (Jun '11) 1 hr Juju Beans 6,413

Weird People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE