First Prev
of 5
Next Last

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#1 May 7, 2013
Hey guys, this is just an idea page for a novel I'm hoping to start. I'm welcome to all criticisms constructive or otherwise. I'm hoping this will form the story I'm writing more productive and the idea popular.

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#2 May 7, 2013
Chapter 1
"Concerned"
... And that is when I saw ruby. "Damn" I thought as I walked down the road from the club a bit tipsy "she looks like a fucking mess" that was the first thought I had about ruby. she had long red hair and a beautiful full face but she was shaking constantly, yelling at anyone who looked at her. I stopped to ask a man sitting at the bench near her for a rolling paper, I lost mine at the strip club. I sat next to the guy, as he passed me one he said to me "shes hot ask her to come here" I stood up and walked towards her the first thing I noticed was her rocking back and forth as though she was aching for something longing for one thing
"Are you ok?" I asked as I sat down next to her "you need anything"
"I need speed" she cried out as she continued to rock back and forth "you know anyone?"
"No sorry" I said " why don't you go and lay down go home call it A night"
"My night has just begun!" She said with a cute smile "I moved up here from Newcastle" while she was rummaging through her handbag looking for her phone
I looked at her I could tell something was hurting her, an emotion that could not be hidden, she was scared, heartbroken, desperate.
" I need speed man, help me out" ruby asked as she rocked back and forth again while she was texting on her iPhone
" I'm sorry I can't help you"
" please!!" She begged " ill give you money, I hate it here everyone is stuck up and It's hard to find friends here I don't have much friends"
" ill be your friend" I said as I put my arm over her " don't worry ill look after you"
She started crying
" I'm sorry I need it please help me"
" I won't! You Are a friend of mine I won't help you ruin your life"
" I just don't know what to do" she started crying again but no tears were coming out, yet still I put a comforting arm around her women were always my weaknes
"What am I doing?" She asked herself " I can't even cry I got no tear ducts!"
" ok" I said giving in to her " ill help you find some"
I stood up offering her a helping hand she took it and we kept walking, her hand in mine.

“A *wink* and a smile!!”

Level 8

Since: Apr 10

USA

#3 May 7, 2013
Did you walk her to the local rehab..?

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#4 May 7, 2013
Ohio Cowgirl wrote:
Did you walk her to the local rehab..?
No I sorta fell for her in a messed up way, she was beautiful and I believe she was a muse. She made me want to start writing.

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#5 May 7, 2013
Chapter two
"Deeply concerned"
"Her hand was warm and soft" I was thinking while I was walking down the streets of surfers paradise at two in the morning, ruby holding my hand "what's your name?" I asked, she looked at me smiling " ruby" she replied "so what do you do?" I asked her, small talk was never my strong suit
" well I do stripping here and there, but I also model" we sat down on a bench, she pulled out a packet of cigarettes " want one?" She offered. I took one and thanked her while I was busy looking for my lighter she pulled out her phone "here" she showed me a photo on her phone there she was on a motorbike wearing no top and holding a naked girl next to her
"Wow! You got a really nice body." And that was no lie her breast were natural and she had the perfect ass. As she was scrolling down her photos she stopped at one
"Here's one you would like." She said with a cheeky grin
Her legs were wide open, her fingers opening her soft lips of her pink pussy, her with a sexy smirk.
" whahh.." I was blown away even though I was a gentleman then if a girl shows you a picture of her like that you can't help but think of dirty thoughts. She giggled as she put away her phone i noticed some scars on her wrists, i grabbed her hand and looked at them "yeah... ive been there..." she admitted shamefully before letting out a groan
" I just need some speed come on" she grabs my hand "lets get some!" As we were walking I kept asking her questions, wondering how a girl like her could get this messed up "you have a boyfriend?" I asked
"Yeah but he's in jail right now, he's a bikie"
"Oh... Yeah cool" we kept walking stopping every now and then when she started asking anyone if they could get speed. I was starting to wonder if I was digging a grave for myself but I kept on walking with her hand in mine, me deeply concerned.

“n stuff..”

Level 7

Since: Apr 08

Location hidden

#6 May 7, 2013
careful ,, we got some of them plagerizers floating around here...and you have a really inspiring tale to tell....
just sayin..

“A *wink* and a smile!!”

Level 8

Since: Apr 10

USA

#7 May 7, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
<quoted text>
No I sorta fell for her in a messed up way, she was beautiful and I believe she was a muse. She made me want to start writing.
Waiting on Chapter 3...

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#8 May 7, 2013
reebie wrote:
careful ,, we got some of them plagerizers floating around here...and you have a really inspiring tale to tell....
just sayin..
thanks but this story is one ive lived through im cutting out some parts (EG the prologues about my life before i met her) in case of that

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#9 May 7, 2013
Ohio Cowgirl wrote:
<quoted text> Waiting on Chapter 3...
ots comming

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#10 May 7, 2013
Chapter three

"Conflicted"
" I'm going to die" my thought was apart from everything else flying through my head ruby walking fast holding my hand tight, I didn't know what to do she was in need of someone I guess, I wouldn't know though I was never really needed and having someone who relied on me for once was a change of pace I guess. She kept looking back at me, smiling nervously at me, stopping at random guys on the street asking them for the fix she needed and hitting on them I was just awkwardly standing there while she was talking. she was getting angry I just followed her as she started holding my hand tighter and tighter in the end she sits down on the floor, a look of defeat on her face. I kneeled down and lifted her head "let me take you home" I said to her while looking in those deep green eyes. She sniffed a bit and stood up holding me while we were walking. We walked to chevron island which was about a ten minutes away from surfers in complete silence. She stops next to a unit building "this is me here" she said
"Ok, you need anything else?" I asked
"could... Could you come in? Keep me company?" She asked nervously "sure ok" I said with a comforting smile.
as I was walking up her steps with her holding my hand tighter then ever I was conflicted with this choice I had no idea what was going to happen.

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#11 May 7, 2013
im hoping all of you are enjoying this novel, this story is something from the heart and im hoping i can make it better in anyway, apart from my horrible grammar i would love some ideas to make it better in anyway

“The..”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

"..who whating how with huh?"

#12 May 7, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
Chapter 1
"Concerned"
... And that is when I saw ruby. "Damn" I thought as I walked down the road from the club a bit tipsy "she looks like a fucking mess" that was the first thought I had about ruby. she had long red hair and a beautiful full face but she was shaking constantly, yelling at anyone who looked at her. I stopped to ask a man sitting at the bench near her for a rolling paper, I lost mine at the strip club. I sat next to the guy, as he passed me one he said to me "shes hot ask her to come here" I stood up and walked towards her the first thing I noticed was her rocking back and forth as though she was aching for something longing for one thing
"Are you ok?" I asked as I sat down next to her "you need anything"
"I need speed" she cried out as she continued to rock back and forth "you know anyone?"
"No sorry" I said " why don't you go and lay down go home call it A night"
"My night has just begun!" She said with a cute smile "I moved up here from Newcastle" while she was rummaging through her handbag looking for her phone
I looked at her I could tell something was hurting her, an emotion that could not be hidden, she was scared, heartbroken, desperate.
" I need speed man, help me out" ruby asked as she rocked back and forth again while she was texting on her iPhone
" I'm sorry I can't help you"
" please!!" She begged " ill give you money, I hate it here everyone is stuck up and It's hard to find friends here I don't have much friends"
" ill be your friend" I said as I put my arm over her " don't worry ill look after you"
She started crying
" I'm sorry I need it please help me"
" I won't! You Are a friend of mine I won't help you ruin your life"
" I just don't know what to do" she started crying again but no tears were coming out, yet still I put a comforting arm around her women were always my weaknes
"What am I doing?" She asked herself " I can't even cry I got no tear ducts!"
" ok" I said giving in to her " ill help you find some"
I stood up offering her a helping hand she took it and we kept walking, her hand in mine.
Awww... Sweet boy. Can I be your Editor?
<3

“The..”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

"..who whating how with huh?"

#13 May 7, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
Chapter two
"Deeply concerned"
"Her hand was warm and soft" I was thinking while I was walking down the streets of surfers paradise at two in the morning, ruby holding my hand "what's your name?" I asked, she looked at me smiling " ruby" she replied "so what do you do?" I asked her, small talk was never my strong suit
" well I do stripping here and there, but I also model" we sat down on a bench, she pulled out a packet of cigarettes " want one?" She offered. I took one and thanked her while I was busy looking for my lighter she pulled out her phone "here" she showed me a photo on her phone there she was on a motorbike wearing no top and holding a naked girl next to her
"Wow! You got a really nice body." And that was no lie her breast were natural and she had the perfect ass. As she was scrolling down her photos she stopped at one
"Here's one you would like." She said with a cheeky grin
Her legs were wide open, her fingers opening her soft lips of her pink pussy, her with a sexy smirk.
" whahh.." I was blown away even though I was a gentleman then if a girl shows you a picture of her like that you can't help but think of dirty thoughts. She giggled as she put away her phone i noticed some scars on her wrists, i grabbed her hand and looked at them "yeah... ive been there..." she admitted shamefully before letting out a groan
" I just need some speed come on" she grabs my hand "lets get some!" As we were walking I kept asking her questions, wondering how a girl like her could get this messed up "you have a boyfriend?" I asked
"Yeah but he's in jail right now, he's a bikie"
"Oh... Yeah cool" we kept walking stopping every now and then when she started asking anyone if they could get speed. I was starting to wonder if I was digging a grave for myself but I kept on walking with her hand in mine, me deeply concerned.
Very nice. Sign your work here my boy, if anyone copies it without accrediting you, let me know ;p

“The..”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

"..who whating how with huh?"

#14 May 7, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
<quoted text>thanks but this story is one ive lived through im cutting out some parts (EG the prologues about my life before i met her) in case of that
Yeah keep your privacy to yourself, offbeat is one of the best here but there's still some undesirables sniffing around. Great work kiddo ;p

“The..”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

"..who whating how with huh?"

#15 May 7, 2013
Dante infernox wrote:
im hoping all of you are enjoying this novel, this story is something from the heart and im hoping i can make it better in anyway, apart from my horrible grammar i would love some ideas to make it better in anyway
The writing is beautiful. Just hang out and read others and your grammar will improve.

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#16 May 7, 2013
Ashelah wrote:
<quoted text>
Awww... Sweet boy. Can I be your Editor?
<3
you are welcome to i guess...
The Spelling Otter

Modesto, CA

#17 May 7, 2013
reebie wrote:
careful ,, we got some of them plagerizers floating around here...and you have a really inspiring tale to tell....
just sayin..
It's "plagiarizers".

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#18 May 7, 2013
Chapter four

" Redemption"

"What a shithole" was the first thing that came to my head as i walked into her unit, she had a one bedroom apartment that was trashed the kitchen had dishes piled, the floor was decorated with bits of clothes and she had a mattress on the side of the room. Ruby sat on the mattress and started to rock back and forth again, I sat next to her and started to talk to her, just talk nothing more I was just trying to get her mind of that one thing she needs.
"Thank you" she would say every five minutes holding my hand tight then she looked into my eyes, we got lost both of us just looking at each other her green eyes lost in mine, then she lent over and pecked me before leaning back then she kissed me again this time we were at each other kissing her soft lips her tongue slipping in and out of my mouth, it was wonderful, holding her body she leaned back and took off her shirt christ her body was amazing she started to kiss me again she ripped off my shirt and continued to get lost in our own lust, she stood up and pushed me back on the bed her pulling down her skinny jeans her soft legs showing a thin red laced g-string and started to pull mine down she jumped on top of me her body was incredible, me holding on to her feeling her up and down still kissing her but then... I stopped.
"What's wrong babe?" She asked with a troubled look on her face.
"I can't... I won't do it" I said to her she had a disappointed look on her face but then I got up, held her face and started to stroke her cheek with my thumb looking into those deep green eyes if hers. That was when she understood, she smiled and kissed me again this time it was different it was better, i ment something to her, after that she just held me, squeezed me tight kissing me every now and then before getting sleepy after about half an hour she dozed off. I started putting on my clothes, I left her a note that explained where I went along with my number and 20$ to help her out, I looked back at her, eyes closed sleeping sound I walked to her kissed her on the cheek and left.
" I did the right thing" I told myself it was a good night, as I walked out her door I felt redeemed. I felt like the good guy for once...

“n stuff..”

Level 7

Since: Apr 08

Location hidden

#19 May 7, 2013
The Spelling Otter wrote:
<quoted text>It's "plagiarizers".
thanks for pointing that out....
Im nothing without you...

:)

“a man chooses, a slave obeys.”

Level 2

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#20 May 7, 2013
Let me know if you want me to post up anymore chapters and don't be shy about criticising, any criticism is helpful in this stage of writing

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 5
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Weird Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Make A Sentance out of a 5 letter word. (Nov '09) 7 min Vector aka Victor... 29,397
A six word game (Dec '08) 11 min Junket 17,561
What are you thinking about now? (Jun '10) 12 min Wish Me Luck 20,379
Goodbye Princess Hey 18 min Nice Points 52
Last 3 Letters into 3 new words. (Dec '08) 21 min Play Ball 54,583
Change-one-of-six-letters (Dec '12) 30 min 1st Warning 3,373
CHANGE One letter CHANCE (Sep '08) 35 min Chatty catty_Spit... 29,300
What song are you listening to right now? (Apr '08) 1 hr Wolftracks 147,133
What's your tip for the day? 5 hr ms_Sweeter 1,051
I Like..... (Mar '14) 8 hr ms_Sweeter 317
What Could Be Sweet,...? 8 hr ms_Sweeter 33
•••

Weird People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

•••