Does anyone would liked to share any ...

Does anyone would liked to share any funny jokes

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“de omnibus dubitandum.”

Level 1

Since: Mar 09

Terra incognita

#2 Apr 5, 2009
Did you hear about the man who took a Viagra and it got stuck in his throat?

Now he has a stiff neck.

“TEXAS ... SECEDE”

Since: Feb 08

REPUBLIC OF TEXAS

#5 Apr 5, 2009
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to
charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic
the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.'Have you got a license for that
thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up
to him.'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got
proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way,
Ma'am.' As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out
in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in
his hand.'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

skip

Miramar Beach, FL

#9 Apr 16, 2009
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one looks at the other and says,'I can't help but think, you're from Ireland ..'

The other woman responds proudly,'Yes, that I am!'
The first one says,'So am I! And where from Ireland might you be'?

The other woman answers,'I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first one responds,'So, am I and what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says,'A lovely little area it was , on McCleary Street in the old part of town.' The first one says,'Tis a small world. So did I! And to what school would you have been going?'

The other woman answers,'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says,'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?' The other woman answers,'Well, now, I graduated in 1964 .

The first woman exclaims,'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964!!!'

About this time, Vicky, the bartender' s wife , walks in, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,'It's going to be a long night tonight.'


Vicky asks,' Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers,'The McLaughlin twins are drunk again.'

“Ante Omnia Armari”

Since: Nov 07

"You get back what you give"

#10 Apr 16, 2009
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
__________
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

“de omnibus dubitandum.”

Level 1

Since: Mar 09

Terra incognita

#13 Apr 18, 2009
SEX is not the answer.

Sex is the question.

The answer would be Yes.

“de omnibus dubitandum.”

Level 1

Since: Mar 09

Terra incognita

#14 Apr 18, 2009
Man to woman: "Hi, I could't help but notice that book you are reading."

"Yes," she replied. "It's about finding sexual satisfaction. It's interesting. Did you know that, statistically, American Indians and Polish men are the best lovers? By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Flying Cloud Kowalski,"

“Always ready to.....”

Level 1

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#15 Apr 18, 2009
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grandad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way
he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.

“de omnibus dubitandum.”

Level 1

Since: Mar 09

Terra incognita

#16 Apr 18, 2009
A man walks into a bar looking all sad.

"What's the matter?" asks the bartender.

The man says, "I got into a fight with my wife and she told me she wouldn't speak to me for a month."

"Well," replies the bartender, "why would that make you sad?"

"Because," said the man, "the month's up today."

“Always ready to.....”

Level 1

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#17 Apr 19, 2009
John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,(100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box,'Would youlike to go to Frank's place
with me and have a beer?
Silence, there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes, and then asked him again,'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me? Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.. So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS)


A little voice came out of the box:" I heard you the first
time! I'm putting my ******* shoes on!"
Krypteia

Brighton, UK

#18 Apr 19, 2009
And Jesus said unto his 12 Apostles as he was getting nailed to the cross, "don't touch my f.cking easter eggs i'll be back Monday".

Level 8

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#19 Apr 19, 2009
Krypteia wrote:
And Jesus said unto his 12 Apostles as he was getting nailed to the cross, "don't touch my f.cking easter eggs i'll be back Monday".
knew i'd find you here!!!!
Eatin Aint Cheatin

Saint Louis, MO

#20 Apr 19, 2009
A Republican walks into a bar with a toad on his head.
Bartender says, "What the hell is that?!?"

The toad says, "I don't know, it started as a wart on my ass and grew into this."

Since: Apr 08

Knoxville, TN

#22 Apr 19, 2009
I dunno. Didn't hear the whole thing, but it had to do with June and Ward Cleaver. She said "Ward, you were kind of hard on the beaver last night". That was enough to get me to laugh.

“de omnibus dubitandum.”

Level 1

Since: Mar 09

Terra incognita

#23 Apr 19, 2009
Freemind wrote:
I dunno. Didn't hear the whole thing, but it had to do with June and Ward Cleaver. She said "Ward, you were kind of hard on the beaver last night". That was enough to get me to laugh.
That was supposed to be the dirtiest thing ever said on television: at least in the 1960's. I believe that Ward had punished the previous day for some wrong that he did.

I believe she actually said, "Gee, Ward, you were pretty hard on the Beaver last night."

Since: Apr 08

Knoxville, TN

#24 Apr 19, 2009
Caveat Lector wrote:
<quoted text>
That was supposed to be the dirtiest thing ever said on television: at least in the 1960's. I believe that Ward had punished the previous day for some wrong that he did.
I believe she actually said, "Gee, Ward, you were pretty hard on the Beaver last night."
Sexual inuendo is funny.
Krypteia

Brighton, UK

#25 Apr 19, 2009
A little boy asks his mother,"why are you white and im black"..Mother replies don't even ask me that,when i remember that party you're lucky you don't bark..

“Always ready to.....”

Level 1

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#28 Apr 19, 2009
FLAT TIRE
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.
And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

“Always ready to.....”

Level 1

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#31 Apr 20, 2009
How do you keep a Topix Poster in suspense ?

Beckie Godwin

“Huntington Beach tough guy”

Since: Feb 09

Anyone scared yet?

#34 Apr 22, 2009
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench. All of a sudden a young male flasher opens his coat to show them his business.
Two of the ladies had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.

HA HA HA HA!
Arminius

Buffalo, NY

#35 Apr 22, 2009
Beckie Godwin wrote:
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench. All of a sudden a young male flasher opens his coat to show them his business.
Two of the ladies had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.
HA HA HA HA!
Bad girl! LOL

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