Funny Quotes

Level 8

Since: Dec 08

Fairfield, OH

#22 Sep 29, 2013
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

“So it's not you, It's them?”

Level 9

Since: Jun 11

Location hidden

#23 Sep 29, 2013
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."

Dave Barry

Level 8

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#24 Sep 29, 2013
NotaGoth wrote:
"Mommy, did you eat the baby?"
-A wide-eyed three year old who was staring at her mother's belly (my friend) in amazement
Oh, to clarify her mother was pregnant.

The daughter knew that she was carrying a baby, but she didn't understand how it got there, hence why she asked her if she ate it, lol...kids say the funniest things...

Level 8

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#25 Oct 3, 2013
I've gone into hundreds of fortune-teller's parlours, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.

-NYC detective

“So it's not you, It's them?”

Level 9

Since: Jun 11

Location hidden

#26 Oct 3, 2013
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

George Carlin

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#27 Oct 3, 2013
You can't judge a duck by his waddle.

Level 9

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#28 Oct 3, 2013
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
~ Albert Einstein

Level 9

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#29 Oct 3, 2013
“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
~ Mark Twain

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
~ George Carlin

“Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?”
~ Marilyn Monroe

“So it's not you, It's them?”

Level 9

Since: Jun 11

Location hidden

#30 Oct 3, 2013
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

Groucho Marx

I Am Enzo - The Baker

“Vintage 1949”

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

lightly salted

#31 Oct 3, 2013
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx...
just visiting

Eubank, KY

#32 Oct 4, 2013
White Fire wrote:
Anybody got one they want to share?
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the damned sidewalk!
just visiting

Eubank, KY

#33 Oct 4, 2013
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it wayyyyy too fast.
just visiting

Eubank, KY

#34 Oct 4, 2013
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

“So it's not you, It's them?”

Level 9

Since: Jun 11

Location hidden

#35 Oct 4, 2013
"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

Rodney Dangerfield

“So Hillary Blames the Universe”

Since: Jun 08

..for her peevishness..

#36 Oct 4, 2013
"I was the victim of a drive-by pooting...."

Random old-folks-home Resident

“ROCK ON ROCKERS!!”

Level 8

Since: Mar 11

Rockin' USA ;)

#37 Oct 4, 2013
Food..List

“So Hillary Blames the Universe”

Since: Jun 08

..for her peevishness..

#38 Oct 4, 2013
"Well, blow me down......"

Popeye

(a nautical term...not naughty term......)

“So it's not you, It's them?”

Level 9

Since: Jun 11

Location hidden

#39 Oct 5, 2013
"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see:“We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”"

George Carlin

Level 8

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#40 Oct 6, 2013
The movie 2012 is going to be really funny when we're all watching it in 2013.

-Unknown

“So it's not you, It's them?”

Level 9

Since: Jun 11

Location hidden

#41 Oct 6, 2013
"And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”"

Monty Python

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