Funny Quotes

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“I'm burning up!!”

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Since: Dec 08

The fiery pits of hell

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#22
Sep 29, 2013
 
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

“So it's not you, It's them?”

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Since: Jun 11

Dubuque, IA

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#23
Sep 29, 2013
 
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."

Dave Barry

“Arctic foxes....again”

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#24
Sep 29, 2013
 

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NotaGoth wrote:
"Mommy, did you eat the baby?"
-A wide-eyed three year old who was staring at her mother's belly (my friend) in amazement
Oh, to clarify her mother was pregnant.

The daughter knew that she was carrying a baby, but she didn't understand how it got there, hence why she asked her if she ate it, lol...kids say the funniest things...

“Arctic foxes....again”

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#25
Oct 3, 2013
 
I've gone into hundreds of fortune-teller's parlours, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.

-NYC detective

“So it's not you, It's them?”

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Dubuque, IA

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#26
Oct 3, 2013
 
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

George Carlin

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#27
Oct 3, 2013
 

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You can't judge a duck by his waddle.
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#28
Oct 3, 2013
 
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
~ Albert Einstein
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#29
Oct 3, 2013
 
“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
~ Mark Twain

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
~ George Carlin

“Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?”
~ Marilyn Monroe

“So it's not you, It's them?”

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Dubuque, IA

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#30
Oct 3, 2013
 
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

Groucho Marx

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Since: Feb 12

Brooklyn, NY

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#31
Oct 3, 2013
 
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx...
just visiting

Barbourville, KY

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#32
Oct 4, 2013
 
White Fire wrote:
Anybody got one they want to share?
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the damned sidewalk!
just visiting

Barbourville, KY

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#33
Oct 4, 2013
 
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it wayyyyy too fast.
just visiting

Barbourville, KY

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#34
Oct 4, 2013
 
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

“So it's not you, It's them?”

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Dubuque, IA

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#35
Oct 4, 2013
 
"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

Rodney Dangerfield

“..pretty nice weather...”

Since: Jun 08

...for an older guy.......

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#36
Oct 4, 2013
 
"I was the victim of a drive-by pooting...."

Random old-folks-home Resident

“ROCK ON ROCKERS!!”

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Since: Mar 11

Rockin' USA ;)

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#37
Oct 4, 2013
 
Food..List

“..pretty nice weather...”

Since: Jun 08

...for an older guy.......

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#38
Oct 4, 2013
 
"Well, blow me down......"

Popeye

(a nautical term...not naughty term......)

“So it's not you, It's them?”

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Dubuque, IA

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#39
Oct 5, 2013
 
"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see:“We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”"

George Carlin

“Arctic foxes....again”

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#40
Oct 6, 2013
 
The movie 2012 is going to be really funny when we're all watching it in 2013.

-Unknown

“So it's not you, It's them?”

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Dubuque, IA

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#41
Oct 6, 2013
 
"And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”"

Monty Python

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