Come on...Tell me a joke

“..Happy Birthday USA....”

Since: Jun 08

...hang in there....

#7316 Aug 22, 2014
....(written on the wall above the urinal).........don't look up here....the joke is in yer hand...........

“It's a secret”

Level 8

Since: Sep 12

Or maybe I just forgot!!

#7317 Aug 26, 2014
Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing? The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend..

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the three minute management course.

“It's a secret”

Level 8

Since: Sep 12

Or maybe I just forgot!!

#7318 Aug 26, 2014
2 blondes walk into a building.. would of thought 1 of them would of seen it!
Parden Pard

Catasauqua, PA

#7319 Sep 5, 2014
WOW,,anyone can hit a golf ball 300 yds,,,,,,,just hit it 2 or 3 times,,shessshhh
(golf course joke),,wake up yous sleepy heads,,,,

“"*" Always Thinking "*"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Hoosierville

#7320 Sep 13, 2014
I've hit a golf ball over 1 mile over a frozen lake/
Truth or Fiction
Wind was in my favor...
joke

Richmond, KY

#7321 Sep 26, 2014
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a dam Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed.

"I said there is a dam Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him andI'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be fuckingsomebody!"

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7322 Sep 30, 2014
Why do witches take off their underpants before flying?

Better grip on the broom.

Ba-ding pish....

“..A little kingdom...”

Since: Aug 14

Location hidden

#7323 Sep 30, 2014
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7324 Oct 29, 2014
This Halloween I'm going to call everyone I see an a**hole... especially the ones I don't know.
I'm going as the Internet.

“Hi!”

Level 2

Since: Jun 12

Location hidden

#7325 Oct 29, 2014
Hoof Arted wrote:
This Halloween I'm going to call everyone I see an a**hole... especially the ones I don't know.
I'm going as the Internet.
Finally Hoofy........

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#7326 Nov 9, 2014
A Teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eats things. The first little boy says "Alligator". "Very good, that's a big word". The second boy says "Predator". "Yes, that's another big word. Well done". Little Johnny says "Vibrator". After nearly falling off her chair, she says "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything". "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there is no tomorrow".

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#7327 Nov 9, 2014
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR $1.00 @ Coles

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#7328 Nov 9, 2014
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag". "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer".

Well now, not so fast" said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh no no" said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the golf course. On golf days a lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say "Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes".

"Well, that seems only fair" said the cop, laughing. "Okay good luck! Oh by the way... what's in the other bag?" "Well you know" said the little old lady "not everybody pays..."

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#7329 Nov 9, 2014
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail she tells him "This is the one right here".

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde says "Tell me lady...'cause I'm dying to know - how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple" she said. "By the nail that's over its stall" she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her the man says "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder "I guess it's to hang your pants on".

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#7330 Nov 9, 2014
Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#7331 Nov 9, 2014
THAT'S IT FOR NOW. CHECK BACK IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

Since: Feb 09

Location hidden

#7332 Nov 10, 2014
Some Nutjob wrote:
THAT'S IT FOR NOW. CHECK BACK IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
lol

its ashame this thread isn't more popular, its the Happy one, but not many people want to laugh I guess.

don't stay away to long, topix needs people like u.
Joke

Richmond, KY

#7333 Nov 10, 2014
An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of tea too.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Hillbilly from Kentucky. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, how's about getting me a cold glass of Beer!" He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the Hillbilly said to give Jesus a cold glass of Beer too.
As Jesus got up to leave He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Hillbilly. The Hillbilly jumps up and yells, "You stay the hell away from me. I'm drawing disability!"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7334 Nov 13, 2014
In The News: British Scientists using laser measurements from an aircraft have discovered practice trenches that date from World War One.

Those Brits didn't mess around when it came to camouflage back then, did they?

“"*" Always Thinking "*"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Hoosierville

#7335 Nov 13, 2014
Applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove, she
seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts
degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social
worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask
you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced

three times, owned 2 Chrysler's and voted for Obama twice."

She got the job.

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