Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7295 Mar 16, 2014
My wife and I have reached the age where we need a bit of lubrication before sex.

She uses a bottle of wine and I use a twelve pack of Bud.
Independent

United States

#7296 Mar 16, 2014
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer.” the man began,“I can explain”.

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.“I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But officer, I just wanted to say.”

“I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,“Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell.“I’m the groom.”
joke

Owensboro, KY

#7297 Mar 19, 2014
joke wrote:
<quoted text>
What does a gay robot call his butt hole?
Spotted Girl wrote:
<quoted text>
Wouldn't that be a bolt-hole?
he calls it his cumpooter
Independent

United States

#7298 Mar 25, 2014
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Since: Mar 14

United States

#7299 Mar 25, 2014
A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees. Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago." and her dad bursts into the room yelling, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7300 Mar 26, 2014
FeyWolfz wrote:
A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees. Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago." and her dad bursts into the room yelling, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"
Ouch! And Lol, yeah, mostly lol...
joke

Owensboro, KY

#7301 Mar 26, 2014
Malaysian Authorities have said they'll never stop looking for Flight MH370.

Although surely they will when they find it.

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org : http://www.sickipedia.org/in-the-news/missing...
joke

Owensboro, KY

#7302 Mar 28, 2014
A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a
cell with a huge evil looking guy.
The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or
the wife?"
The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess
I'd rather be the husband."
The big guy says, "Okay then get over here and suck your wife'stick."
joke

Owensboro, KY

#7303 Mar 28, 2014
“I’m a Cop, I Can’t Go To Jail”: Police Officer Arrested in 2007 Fatal Hit and Run

Crafton, Pa. Police Officer Donnie Breeden, 38, a 15-year veteran on the Crafton Police Force has been criminally charged with one count each of involuntary manslaughter and accidents involving death or personal injury. He was arrested after a friend implicated him in a 2007 hit and run — after which Breeden and his friends repaired his car and covered up his involvement. At the time, Breeden allegedly proclaimed,“I’m a cop, I can’t go to jail.”

http://jonathanturley.org/2009/07/20/im-a-cop...

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7304 May 25, 2014
When I was a child I was often sent to my room for exaggerating.

Well. I say 'room.' It was actually an aircraft hanger full of candy and video games.

Enzo49

“Vintage 1949”

Level 1

Since: Mar 13

...lightly salted...

#7305 May 25, 2014
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."
The next morning, his wife sneaked up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."

Enzo49

“Vintage 1949”

Level 1

Since: Mar 13

...lightly salted...

#7306 May 25, 2014
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.
The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I'll know it's time to go home..."

Enzo49

“Vintage 1949”

Level 1

Since: Mar 13

...lightly salted...

#7307 May 25, 2014
Paramedic,"When did you first notice your wife was dead?"
Man, "Well, the sex was the same but the dishes were starting too pile up"....
joke

Owensboro, KY

#7308 Aug 12, 2014
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool yesterday. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7309 Aug 16, 2014
joke wrote:
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool yesterday. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
That lifeguard was rude...
Parden Pard

Catasauqua, PA

#7311 Aug 17, 2014
A guy comes home from a frustrating golf outing.He enters the kitchen all sweaty and snarly.Out of nowhere he proceeds to plow his wife right in the mouth.Bleeding from her busted lips,she asked ,"What was that for".He sez,"I'm sorry Hon,I couldn't help myself,I've been hitting FAT all day,,,"

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7312 Aug 18, 2014
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?"
The horse sadly replies, "Cancer"
Smurffette

United States

#7313 Aug 18, 2014
Guy's just love it when at the beginning of a relationship that I'm bi . I let them figure the polar part later !
Parden Pard

Catasauqua, PA

#7314 Aug 22, 2014
Smurffette wrote:
Guy's just love it when at the beginning of a relationship that I'm bi . I let them figure the polar part later !
LAME,,! kid's joke- why do camels have flat feet,,,_from sliding down the Pyramids,,,,,(Sheeshh),,,
Bill

Owensboro, KY

#7315 Aug 22, 2014
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
" Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

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