“We're all Bozos on this bus”

Since: Jan 07

Indianapolis, IN

#7231 Feb 15, 2014
Independent wrote:
A man was telling his buddy, You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said,
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, "Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!"
He shoots, he scores!

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7232 Feb 16, 2014
My Valentine's Day was pretty much the same as last year.... I drowned my sorrows down at the local bar knowing I had no chance of getting laid that night......

and wondering why I even got married in the first place.
A Joke

Jackson, MO

#7233 Feb 21, 2014
I just heard on the radio there is a shortage of clowns these days?

Have they looked in Washington? Politically Incorrect?

Hahahahaha

“"Eatin' Ain't Cheatin!"”

Level 1

Since: Sep 06

Thompson's Station, Tn

#7234 Feb 23, 2014
Do you know why they call West Virginia "Almost Heaven?" - John Denver

It's right next to Ohio!

“We're all Bozos on this bus”

Since: Jan 07

Indianapolis, IN

#7235 Feb 23, 2014
Teacher: Good morning, class. This is the first day of school and we're going to introduce ourselves. I'll call on you, one by one, and you can tell your name and maybe what your dad or your mom does for a living. You, please, over at this end.

Small boy: My name is Irving and my father is a mechanic.

Teacher: A mechanic! Thank you, Irving. Next?

Small girl: My name is Emma and my mom is a lawyer.

Teacher: How nice for you, Emma. Next?

Second small boy: MY name is Luke and my dad is dead.

Teacher: Oh, Luke, how sad for you, We're all very sorry about that, aren't we, class? Luke do you think you could tell us what your dad did before he died?

Luke:(seizes his throat): He went,'Ngungghhh!'

“Hey, it's just a cartoon!”

Since: Jul 08

He can drink all he wants!

#7236 Feb 23, 2014
Uh Clem wrote:
Teacher: Good morning, class. This is the first day of school and we're going to introduce ourselves. I'll call on you, one by one, and you can tell your name and maybe what your dad or your mom does for a living. You, please, over at this end.
Small boy: My name is Irving and my father is a mechanic.
Teacher: A mechanic! Thank you, Irving. Next?
Small girl: My name is Emma and my mom is a lawyer.
Teacher: How nice for you, Emma. Next?
Second small boy: MY name is Luke and my dad is dead.
Teacher: Oh, Luke, how sad for you, We're all very sorry about that, aren't we, class? Luke do you think you could tell us what your dad did before he died?
Luke:(seizes his throat): He went,'Ngungghhh!'
hahahaha! Good lord man.

Here's my chuckle for the day:

This is a warning from the Topix moderators. Failure to comply with the Topix Terms of Service will result in your forum posts being removed from the system, and a ban on future posting.(click here to acknowledge this warning)
Enough with the posts referring ferrerman as a pedophile or any other insulting comments. admin@Topix

“So it's not you, It's them?”

Level 9

Since: Jun 11

Location hidden

#7237 Feb 23, 2014
Dr_Dirty wrote:
<quoted text>
hahahaha! Good lord man.
Here's my chuckle for the day:
This is a warning from the Topix moderators. Failure to comply with the Topix Terms of Service will result in your forum posts being removed from the system, and a ban on future posting.(click here to acknowledge this warning)
Enough with the posts referring ferrerman as a pedophile or any other insulting comments. admin@Topix
Yes, the fact that you and several of your buds here seem to be strangely compelled to confirm your unhealthy obsession with several other posters, almost daily, is sad, yet darn funny, dude!

Thanks for once again confirming it!
Sssssh

Jackson, MO

#7238 Feb 23, 2014
*i don't think topix appreciates us joking about them at the t0p.
I've tried to post this joke in various threads is seemed to fit.'They' removed it every time. Now that's sum funny. doh! It's not a joke and if there is any way possible it could be offensive ... i'm a freaking idiot cause I don't get the joke.

It's is an awesome video of the building of monumental landmark ... in St. Louis

I dropped in the link in there and guess what happened?.. hahahah is a joke.

They just red lettered me ... gateway .. what is the highest thing we think of in that city?

*did it just get chilly in here .. brrrr it's a joke, i don't get
Hate it when that happends:O
HA HA

Jackson, MO

#7239 Feb 23, 2014
0n February 12 in 1963 St Louis began construction on one of the world's scenic views ..

HA HA

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7240 Feb 24, 2014
Why is the toothbrush called a toothbrush, and not a teethbrush?

Because the inventor was from Kentucky.
Independent

United States

#7241 Feb 24, 2014
Not Your Typical Game At The County Fair:

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?"

She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
joke

Owensboro, KY

#7242 Mar 1, 2014
Chuck Norris thinks Arnold Schwarzenegger is a fat lazybastard.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#7243 Mar 1, 2014
Mitch and Randy were in Randy's new pickup truck going to the airport when they saw a cow with its head stuck in the fence. Randy pulled the truck over beside the cow. What are you stopping for Randy asked Mitch. I'm gonna go nail this cow while she's got her head stuck in the fence said Randy. Randy came back to the truck said Ok Mitch its your turn. Mitch gets out of the truck waddles over to the cow and sticks his head in the fence.

“Proud White Woman for life!”

Level 8

Since: Apr 09

Spotted World

#7244 Mar 1, 2014
Independent wrote:
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.....
Q:'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A:'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q:'Officer, who provided this description?'
A:'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q:'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A:'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q:'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A:'Yes sir, we do!'
Q:'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A:'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q:'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A:'Yes, sir.'
Q:'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A:'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
Reminds me of the scene from the first Law & Order: SVU. Det. Munch was in court as a witness in a flashing case. The defense attorney started by attacking Munch's profession, implying he was a pervert and inadequate for taking the job. The attorney left the door open when he accused Munch of compensating for his shortcomings. That was when Munch said the lawyer's client was showing everyone his "shortcomings." That enraged the defendant enough to where he jumped up, started to disrobe,shouting, "Shortcomings? Shortcomings?! Who are you calling short? Does this look short to you?!" Needless to say, the jury only took a couple of minutes to deliberate, and they unanimously decided that he needed to be committed. Imagine that, committing the crime he was accused of in court. I don't think they could have had more proof.
May West

Jackson, MO

#7245 Mar 2, 2014
Dammit dawlin's .. there's a new sheriff in town and he wants to enforce all these new laws. ;~)
May West

Jackson, MO

#7246 Mar 2, 2014
Spotted Girl wrote:
<quoted text>
Reminds me of the scene from the first Law & Order: SVU. Det. Munch was in court as a witness in a flashing case. The defense attorney started by attacking Munch's profession, implying he was a pervert and inadequate for taking the job. The attorney left the door open when he accused Munch of compensating for his shortcomings. That was when Munch said the lawyer's client was showing everyone his "shortcomings." That enraged the defendant enough to where he jumped up, started to disrobe,shouting, "Shortcomings? Shortcomings?! Who are you calling short? Does this look short to you?!" Needless to say, the jury only took a couple of minutes to deliberate, and they unanimously decided that he needed to be committed. Imagine that, committing the crime he was accused of in court. I don't think they could have had more proof.
Your honor, not I, nor my girls .. ever recall seeing the man in my fine establishment. ;~)

Hahahaha, Immediately the red letters and I thought that did sound a bit risky ... but it was
only requesting I fix quote blocks.
Independent

United States

#7247 Mar 2, 2014
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second man.“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” asks the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.

How did you die?” says the second.“I had a heart attack”, says the first guy.“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head.“That’s so ironic” he says.“What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Independent

United States

#7248 Mar 2, 2014
A wife was talking to her husband about reincarnation.

"What exactly is reincarnation?" she asked.

"It's when you die and come back as something completely different," he explained.

"So," she suggested "I could come back as a pig?"

He sighed wearily. "You're not listening, are you?"
joke

Owensboro, KY

#7249 Mar 5, 2014
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Independent

United States

#7250 Mar 5, 2014
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face."

The second old man said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a pee yesterday, I came three times!"

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