Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7190 Jan 29, 2014
Two crows were eating a dead clown, one said, "does this taste funny to you?"

Since: Jan 07

Location Shown

#7191 Jan 29, 2014
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

Spotted Girl

“The Spotted Girl News Network”

Level 8

Since: Apr 09

Spotted World

#7192 Jan 29, 2014
Bad Tooth wrote:
I spoke with the local Exorcist before, to rid myself of an evil entity...
He gave me the number of a good
Divorce Lawyer ;)))
You better pay your exorcist, or you will get repossessed.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7193 Jan 30, 2014
A guy applied for a job where I work, but he had only one arm. Still, his prowess was phenomenal and he flew across the keyboards with his one hand. He was nearly twice as fast as our best worker, so we hired him on the spot.

On his first day, I noticed he wasn't typing at all and was just sitting at the computer with tears in his eyes. I went over to check on him and immediately saw the problem...

The screen read "To start, press Ctrl+alt+delete."

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7194 Jan 30, 2014
Some fear Obamacare will cover abortions, others know that Obamacare is an abortion.

“Silence is golden”

Level 7

Since: Feb 11

Duck tape is silver

#7195 Feb 2, 2014
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like
your thinking."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7196 Feb 2, 2014
I wish people would stop correcting my spelling and grammar.

Im [sic] of it.

“Hi!”

Level 2

Since: Jun 12

Location hidden

#7197 Feb 2, 2014
Fish_sticks wrote:
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like
your thinking."
Bwwahahahahahahaha!

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7198 Feb 3, 2014
2010 New Year's resolution: I will get my weight below 170 pounds.

2011 New Year's resolution: I will follow my diet plan religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2012 New Year's resolution: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2013 New Year's resolution: I will work out three days a week.

2014 New Year's resolution: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
Islander

United States

#7199 Feb 3, 2014
What does a hockey player and a hippie chick have in common????

They both take a shower after three periods.

“Silence is golden”

Level 7

Since: Feb 11

Duck tape is silver

#7200 Feb 4, 2014
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another piss drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool. Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man. After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home." The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question...Where's his wheelchair?"

yuk yuk yuk .... I know, kinda lame

“If it ain't broke don't fix it”

Level 9

Since: Jul 09

Arcadia, LA.

#7201 Feb 4, 2014
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.“Nice bike,” the cop said.“Did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yes Sir,” the little girl said,“he sure did!”

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said,“Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!”

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,“Nice horse you’ve got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,“Yes, he sure did!”

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,“Next year tell Santa; the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.“
Independent

United States

#7202 Feb 5, 2014
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

Spotted Girl

“The Spotted Girl News Network”

Level 8

Since: Apr 09

Spotted World

#7203 Feb 6, 2014
A policeman spots a woman knitting and driving at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "it's a pair of socks!"

Spotted Girl

“The Spotted Girl News Network”

Level 8

Since: Apr 09

Spotted World

#7204 Feb 6, 2014
A guy had too much alcohol at a party and was pulled over by a highway patrolman while heading home.

While given a field sobriety test, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line, let alone drive one, so the state trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the other lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the patrolman wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed.

The next morning, two highway patrol men beat on his door and awakened him. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" they asked?

He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving while impaired?"

Again, the man admitted that was he. "Then what did you do?" the highway patrolmen asked."

The man said that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the highway patrolmen inquired.

The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the state troopers.

The man answered, "Sure," and then opened the garage. Parked inside the garage was a state highway patrol car.

Spotted Girl

“The Spotted Girl News Network”

Level 8

Since: Apr 09

Spotted World

#7205 Feb 6, 2014
What never to say to cops:

Will you hold my beer so I can reach my license?

You're not going to look in my trunk, are you?

Have you been eating donuts? Your eyes appear glazed.

Well, when I reached down to pick up the bag of crack that fell out of my pocket, my gun fell out of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, that 9mm is nothing compared to this 44 magnum!

“"Eatin' Ain't Cheatin!"”

Level 1

Since: Sep 06

Thompson's Station, Tn

#7206 Feb 6, 2014
Hoof Arted wrote:
A guy applied for a job where I work, but he had only one arm. Still, his prowess was phenomenal and he flew across the keyboards with his one hand. He was nearly twice as fast as our best worker, so we hired him on the spot.
On his first day, I noticed he wasn't typing at all and was just sitting at the computer with tears in his eyes. I went over to check on him and immediately saw the problem...
The screen read "To start, press Ctrl+alt+delete."


I'm one handed and can do CTRL, ALT, DELETE, just proved it! Zippers, buttons, and tying my shoes suck! My wife bought pistachios and shelled shrimp. She knows I love this food but she must be some kind of Sadist!

Since: Jan 07

Location Shown

#7207 Feb 6, 2014
Why didn't the one handed man cross the road?

Because the second hand store was closed.
lol

United States

#7208 Feb 6, 2014
what did the left hand say to three right hand

hahahah im tighter than you
lol

United States

#7209 Feb 6, 2014
what did the right nut say to the left nut
psshh please im bigger than you

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