Come on...Tell me a joke
Parden Pard

Catasauqua, PA

#7167 Jan 15, 2014
Naughtyrobot wrote:
<quoted text>Ha! Fornication Under Consent of the King
Hurrah,,"The King Has No Clothes".....

Since: Jan 07

Location Shown

#7168 Jan 15, 2014
JM_Brazil wrote:
<quoted text>
I would have responded 'A Yard'.

Called Scotland' Yard in one Country,...
Independent

United States

#7169 Jan 17, 2014
Friends and family have suggested I need a hobby.
I have decided to try my hand at hybridization.
I am going to cross a 4 leafed clover with poison ivy,
I could really use a rash of good luck.

Since: Jan 07

Location Shown

#7170 Jan 17, 2014
I'm Itching for a change in My Luck,...

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7171 Jan 20, 2014
"'Great White Shark' doesn't have a hyphen." my teacher told me, handing back my homework.

"Yes it does." I argued. "You can see it sticking out the water."
Independent

United States

#7172 Jan 21, 2014
A crusty old man walks into a bank & says to the teller, "I want to open a fcuking checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The woman leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that woman does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window & the manager asks the old geezer,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

There is no fcuking problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery & I want to put my fcuking money in this damn bank."

"Oh...I see," says the manager,

"And is this b1tch giving you a hard time sir...?"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7174 Jan 22, 2014
My buddy broke into a house and said he stole some expensive pictures. He pulled several out from beneath his shirt. "This one," he said after looking over his shoulder, "is worth $185,000."

"Dude," I said, "that picture is from a realtor."

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7175 Jan 23, 2014
A man walks into a doctors office accompanied by a woman. "Doc" starts the man - "I'm having trouble having sex, can you please tell me what's wrong?" The doctor agrees, and the man and woman proceed to have sex on the examination table while the doctor observes.

17 minutes later, after doing the deed, the doctor states that everything seemed normal, there was no apparent need for worry. The man thanked the doctor and went on his way.

3 days later the man and woman come back to visit the doctor, still complaining that something is wrong with him sexually. They start to take off their clothes again, but this time the doc stops them - "You aren't planning to have sex here again, are you? What the hell is going on here?!"

The man confesses - "Well, you see, we're both married, so sex at either of our home is out of the question. Hotels are a hundreds dollars a night, and my health plan covers this visit. Plus, we get free medical supervision included!

Since: Jan 07

Location Shown

#7176 Jan 23, 2014
Two blondes walk into a bar, the brunette ducks.

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7177 Jan 23, 2014
I told the clerk at the register we are expecting our 9th child. He said, "Tell your wife it's a vagina, not a clown car!"

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7178 Jan 24, 2014
I saw a captioned cartoon in a magazine some years ago that's worth sharing;

A man (with his back to the reader) is holding his overcoat open in front of an elephant, apparently flashing it. The caption quotes the elephant commenting; "Pretty impressive. But can you pick up a peanut?"

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7179 Jan 24, 2014
A man with a tiny "unit" went to a specialist doctor. The doctor performs penile transplants, but says he is all out of peni, but he happens to have a baby elephant trunk. The man says he'll try it! The surgery goes well, but the man comes back in a month. "Doc, it works great, but how do I get it to stop stuffing peanuts up my ass?"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7180 Jan 25, 2014
I met a guy with a slight stutter, and asked if he has any problems with it.

"N-not really," he said, "b-but my b-brother calls me Donkey."

"Any idea why," I asked?

"No," he replied. "But he-aw he-aw he always calls me that."
Independent

United States

#7181 Jan 25, 2014
A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks,'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking.....

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims,'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but excited at the potential she's witnessed, she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.

NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7182 Jan 25, 2014
Hoof Arted wrote:
I met a guy with a slight stutter, and asked if he has any problems with it.
"N-not really," he said, "b-but my b-brother calls me Donkey."
"Any idea why," I asked?
"No," he replied. "But he-aw he-aw he always calls me that."
Good one!

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7183 Jan 26, 2014
How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

A lot, but mice would find it extremely difficult to reach a ceiling fixture, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to twist the bulb out of said socket. Even if enough mice somehow got together and put their little mice minds together and attempted to change a light bulb, the chances of them actually having the intelligence and ability to do so is really quite low.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7184 Jan 26, 2014
My wife said she's "staying dry" in January. HA! Fat chance with a hunk like me living here.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7187 Jan 27, 2014
I rented a limo to take me to a court appearance last week.

"Why are you in court?" asked the driver.

"My bankruptcy hearing," I replied, opening the door. "You might as well come in, too."

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7188 Jan 27, 2014
In 20,000 years, archeaoligists will dig through my garbage and figure out how badly I fibbed to my wife about eating healthy.

“Never summon "Anything" ....”

Level 7

Since: Feb 11

..... you can't banish, lol

#7189 Jan 28, 2014
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shyt?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

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