Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 9

Since: Apr 10

Location hidden

#7145 Dec 31, 2013
A terrible plane crash occurred in Lithuania last week. A two-seater airplanecrash landed in a cemetery and exploded. They've recovered 300 bodies so far,and they're still digging them up.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7146 Jan 1, 2014
My friends say I'm out of touch and disorganized, but they'll change their tune after they see what I've planned for tonight's New Years Eve party!

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7147 Jan 2, 2014
Doug77 wrote:
A terrible plane crash occurred in Lithuania last week. A two-seater airplanecrash landed in a cemetery and exploded. They've recovered 300 bodies so far,and they're still digging them up.
It was on the the border of Poland. Where did they bury the survivors?

Since: Jan 07

Location Shown

#7148 Jan 2, 2014
A Parrot, a Robot and a Naked Gal walk in a Bar,






and She said ,

Get It,...

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7149 Jan 2, 2014
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the other… eh? Hang on…

“Don't call it an attack”

Level 8

Since: Jun 11

It was an AMBUSH

#7150 Jan 5, 2014
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a Redneck headed South.

After the plane took off, the Redneck asked for a whiskey and ice, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The Redneck then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

“Don't call it an attack”

Level 8

Since: Jun 11

It was an AMBUSH

#7151 Jan 5, 2014
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine
Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said,'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of
fried chicken.'

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.
Couric ate it all and said,'Now I can die content.'

Charlie Gibson said,'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the
song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said,'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, some day, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams
dictated his comments. He then said,'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and asked,'And now, Mr. U. S. Marine, what is your final
wish?

'Kick me in the azz,' said the Marine...

'What?' asked the leader,'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the azz,' insisted the
Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the azz.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol
from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then
with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he
took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him,'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the azz?'

'What?' replied the Marine,'and have you three azzholes report that I was
the aggressor.....?'

Semper Fi!

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7152 Jan 8, 2014
I used to be an atheist. Until I realized I was God.

Since: Jan 07

Location Shown

#7154 Jan 8, 2014
Last Time I thought I was Wrong,


I didn't Admit It,...
Sock it 2 me

United States

#7155 Jan 8, 2014
I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

Her husband has done nothing all day but look through the kitchen window and stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
Sock it 2 me

United States

#7156 Jan 11, 2014
A teacher was giving a lesson about the circulation of blood. He said: "Now boys, as you know, if I stood on my head, the blood would run into it and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," they chorused.

"So why is it," asked the teacher, "that when I am standing upright, the blood doesn't run into my feet and make them turn red, like my head?"

"A young voice from the back called out: "Because your feet aren't empty!"

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7157 Jan 11, 2014
Sock it 2 me wrote:
A teacher was giving a lesson about the circulation of blood. He said: "Now boys, as you know, if I stood on my head, the blood would run into it and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," they chorused.
"So why is it," asked the teacher, "that when I am standing upright, the blood doesn't run into my feet and make them turn red, like my head?"
"A young voice from the back called out: "Because your feet aren't empty!"
And here I was expecting a dick joke.

Good one!
Sock it 2 me

United States

#7158 Jan 11, 2014
JM_Brazil wrote:
<quoted text>And here I was expecting a dick joke.
Good one!
Not wanting to be one to disappoint, just for you.......

Girl: "Hey, what's up?"

Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7159 Jan 12, 2014
Sock it 2 me wrote:
<quoted text>
Not wanting to be one to disappoint, just for you.......
Girl: "Hey, what's up?"
Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"
OK, Thanks, now I can sleep!

Sds

Since: Jan 07

Location Shown

#7160 Jan 13, 2014
Will You Cheat on your Husband,..??


No,..


Will you Hold still while I do,...





5456
Independent

United States

#7161 Jan 13, 2014
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here's the note the young man sent to his sweetheart.

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but your sister wears the short ones that are easier to remove. I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I let the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

I hope you like them and will wear them for me when we go out on Friday night.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7162 Jan 14, 2014
Independent wrote:
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here's the note the young man sent to his sweetheart.
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but your sister wears the short ones that are easier to remove. I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I let the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart.
I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
I hope you like them and will wear them for me when we go out on Friday night.
Needless to say he is now looking for another girlfriend.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7163 Jan 14, 2014
Grace Nerissa wrote:
Lady buying curtain material in a shop..
calls passer by and asks
'What is the difference between 1 Yard and 2 Yards'
he replied..
'A fence':)
I would have responded 'A Yard'.

“The Spotted Girl News Network”

Level 8

Since: Apr 09

Spotted World

#7164 Jan 15, 2014
Why is there a common vulgarity in the URL to this thread?

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7165 Jan 15, 2014
Spotted Girl wrote:
Why is there a common vulgarity in the URL to this thread?
Ha! Fornication Under Consent of the King

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