Come on...Tell me a joke

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7064 Nov 25, 2013
there are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7065 Nov 25, 2013
When you are down in the dumps
and you think you have real problems,
just remember...

SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD,
THERE IS A MR. PELOSI.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7066 Nov 25, 2013
A British gentlemen is visiting the US for the first time, and got a bit confused walking across the street from his hotel because of the reversed traffic flow, and was almost hit by a taxi. The taxi came to a screaching stop, and the driver screamed at the man "WTF?! Did you come here to die?!" "No" replied the Brit. "Yesterday".

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7067 Nov 25, 2013
It's so cold here that the missus just came in from outside and I can see her nipples.

Through her leather jacket.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7068 Nov 25, 2013
I took an energy saving light bulb back to the store and complained that it doesn't work.

"Of course it doesn't work," said the clerk. "It's supposed to save energy."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7069 Nov 25, 2013
If these "Storms Of The Century" keep up they might have to downgrade them to "Storm Of The Week."

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7070 Nov 26, 2013
Brandiiiiiiii wrote:
<quoted text>
Keep it going you two, we are watching.
And I am watching the watchers.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7071 Nov 26, 2013
Who's watching the watchers watch?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7072 Nov 26, 2013
I accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki slacks to Target today and, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7073 Nov 26, 2013
If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes and Noble from 6 PM until I'm escorted out be security.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7074 Nov 27, 2013
My grandson was looking through my DVD's and said "What's this 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it."

Glad to see the system's working.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7075 Nov 27, 2013
My wife said she wants a spa day for Christmas, so I got one for her.

I'll tell her it's pronounced "spade" when she unwraps it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7076 Nov 27, 2013
I asked my sister-in-law if she could name all of Santa's reindeer.

"Oh my God, yes!" she said, with tears in her eyes. "It would be an honor!"

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7077 Nov 27, 2013
My wife complains so much about not wanting to have sex, I finally took the hint and found her a lovely 20yr old blonde babe to fill in for her, for Christmas. I can't wait to see her smile when she unwraps that gift. Its the gift that keeps on giving.

“My Favorite Aunt”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7078 Nov 27, 2013
This isn't a joke , but it is something funny I read today on craigslist .

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 01:43 a.m. EST

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking barefooted since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.[That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station,-- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.[That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not k!ll!ing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7079 Nov 29, 2013
My buddy called and wanted me to come over to see his new sportscar.

Turned out he split his forehead open while playing football.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7080 Nov 30, 2013
At the bar last weekend a little Korean dude came in, sat next to me and started drinking a beer.

I turned to him and said "Excuse me, sir, but do you know any Karate or anything like that?"

"No," he replied with a frown. "Why would you even ask something like that? Because I'm Korean?"

"Naw," I said, rolling up my sleeves. "It's because you're drinking my beer, ya little prick."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7081 Nov 30, 2013
I bought a new alarm clock, but took it back and asked for a refund. I told the clark "It's not working right. I set the alarm for 7:30 am but it went off at 4:30 am."

"I'd like to give you a refund sir," he said, "but it's smashed to pieces. How do you explain the damage?"

"I just told you," I said. "It's not working right. I set the alarm for 7:30 am but it went off at 4:30 am."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7082 Dec 4, 2013
What smokes and has two eyes?

Pompeii.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7083 Dec 4, 2013
When I met my current girlfriend, she was learning to cast a fishing line at the lake.

That's when she caught my eye.

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