Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7024 Nov 15, 2013
A blond took her dog to the vet after it had a seizure. After examining the dog, the vet said "I'm afraid it's not good... his brain has experienced a rapid loss of function that has most likely resulted in permanent neurological damage."

After noticing her blank stare, the vet said "He's had a serious stroke."

"That's nice," the blond replied. "I pet him, too. But tell me more about this brain thing."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7025 Nov 15, 2013
My buddy has the flu and has been in bed for the past couple of days. I stopped by his house yesterday and took a case of beer and some DVD movies.

I think he'll be too sick to notice they're gone.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7026 Nov 15, 2013
I was having a lot of trouble reaching my mother-in-law with my cell phone.

"Get a stick or something, you idiot" she shouted from the quicksand.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7027 Nov 16, 2013
My wife came home yesterday and said she'd seen an awful car crash.

"Was anyone hurt?" I asked.

"No, nobody was hurt," she replied.

"But.... you said it was awful." I said.

"It was! It was a really bright lime green Smart car."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7028 Nov 16, 2013
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. Each time he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

Finally he followed her into the kitchen & blurted out, "Hi, I'd like to ask you out."

To his amazement, she readily consented.

He asked, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh...I'm sorry," replied the waitress. "I thought you wanted more coffee."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7029 Nov 16, 2013
According to a recent poll, most people claim they are on the internet for less than 1 hour every day, but according to the NSA most people are lying.

“Old Dinner Bell”

Level 6

Since: Mar 13

" Home Sweet Home "

#7030 Nov 16, 2013
I went to the health clinic for relief from a bad sunburn. The nurse applied some ointment and gave me a pill to take before bedtime. I asked what the pill was for, and she said, "It's Viagra. It'll help keep the sheets off your legs."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7031 Nov 16, 2013
It's odd that drug companies spend millions of dollars to create anti-depressants for people who want to kill themselves, but those drugs have the side effect of making those people want to kill themselves.

“*=* Always Thinking *=*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#7032 Nov 16, 2013
http://ak.t2.tiles.virtualearth.net/tiles/cmd...
Hoof Arted is this where you live?
PM me

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7033 Nov 17, 2013
I bought a used computer from an old gypsy woman, but misunderstood her assurance that there was no cursor on it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7034 Nov 18, 2013
As I drove down the street I was saddened to see the destruction from the recent storm... houses with roofs partly gone, cars upside down, fences blown over, and trash all over the place.

Then I realized I was in Cleveland and it always looks like that.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7035 Nov 18, 2013
I was surprised to see a free concert by Miley Cyrus at our town park last weekend.

Then I realized it was just a homeless woman shouting at a dead rat.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7036 Nov 18, 2013
"I've been trying to e-mail a photo of me to my sister," my wife said, "but it won't load."

"That's because we don't have broadband," I said without thinking.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7037 Nov 18, 2013
This o came out of nwhere.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7038 Nov 19, 2013
@Hoof: Ouch, Ouch, and Ouch again. And Lol.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7039 Nov 19, 2013
A blonde and a brunette were having lunch at a local restaurant when the brunette noticed her boyfriend going into the flower store across the street. "Great" she muttered. "Looks like I'll have to spend the weekend on my back with my legs open". "Why?" asked the blonde. "You could just use a vase..."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7040 Nov 19, 2013
I asked my boss if I could work from home today, but he said 'No.'

Sometimes I hate being a pilot.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7041 Nov 19, 2013
My buddy said the Internet is amazing.

One minute he's at work, chatting on Topix and surfing the 'net to pass the time. Next minute he's at home, surfing the 'net and looking for a new job.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7042 Nov 19, 2013
I gave my wife a surprise shoulder rub in the car yesterday. You should have seen her face when I popped up from the back seat.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7043 Nov 19, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
I asked my boss if I could work from home today, but he said 'No.'
Sometimes I hate being a pilot.
I asked my wife if I could work from the office today, but she said No.
Sometimes I hate being the nanny.

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