Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7003 Nov 5, 2013
When my buddy turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail: UB40

A month later, on my 40th, I received a CD in the mail from him: U2

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7004 Nov 6, 2013
When two masked men came into the store my wife said "Don't you dare try to be a hero."

"But they got to pick Batman and Spiderman costumes" I whined as she led me over to the stupid pirate section.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7005 Nov 6, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
When two masked men came into the store my wife said "Don't you dare try to be a hero."
"But they got to pick Batman and Spiderman costumes" I whined as she led me over to the stupid pirate section.
Yeah. I hate it when that happens.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7006 Nov 9, 2013
In The News: Huge Grant Saves Homeless Shelter

That was nice of him.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7007 Nov 9, 2013
I had the privilege of seeing our Governor at a rally, and as he shook my hand I said to him "Do you know the economy is in the toilet and jobs forecast is dismal?"

"Tell me something I don't know," he laughed.

"Shit," I thought. "I'm gonna need a lot more time."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7008 Nov 10, 2013
I was thinking about going to town and buying a lottery ticket, but decided against it because the chances of being attacked by a shark on the way are higher than me winning.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7009 Nov 10, 2013
The Ventriloquists' Guild has responded with positive reviews for the new book "CPR for Dummies."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7010 Nov 10, 2013
My buddy was hunched over his beer and very quiet last weekend. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"My girlfriend broke up with me," he replied.

"Uh, Tim... you don't have a girlfriend."

"You don't need to rub it in!" he cried.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7011 Nov 10, 2013
"Do you know your sperm count?" my doctor asked.

"No," I said, surprised. "I didn't know they were that clever."

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7012 Nov 11, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
"Do you know your sperm count?" my doctor asked.
"No," I said, surprised. "I didn't know they were that clever."
Yeah, the Sperm Count has stupid Dracula beat in my book!

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7013 Nov 12, 2013
"Von! Von little sperm cell! Ah-ah-ah-ah!"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7014 Nov 12, 2013
Miley Cyrus is causing another uproar, toking on a joint in Amsterdam. What will she do next? Eat cheese in Wisconsin? Sip wine in California's San Joaquin Valley?

Calm down, Miley!

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#7016 Nov 12, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
Miley Cyrus is causing another uproar, toking on a joint in Amsterdam. What will she do next? Eat cheese in Wisconsin? Sip wine in California's San Joaquin Valley?
Calm down, Miley!
She would make a fine temple prostitute in India.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7017 Nov 12, 2013
If that foam finger's any indication, more like Zimbabwe.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7018 Nov 13, 2013
Listen up, ladies: if you create a photo album entitled "My Lovely Puppies" it's a real let down when you post photo's of your baby dogs.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7019 Nov 13, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
Listen up, ladies: if you create a photo album entitled "My Lovely Puppies" it's a real let down when you post photo's of your baby dogs.
Even if they're not lovely, all pairs of puppy pics are welcome. Unless they're dogs.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7020 Nov 13, 2013
A guy at the bar turned to my wife and said "You have a nice rack!"

I didn't get upset, though, because we were just starting a game of pool.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#7021 Nov 13, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
A guy at the bar turned to my wife and said "You have a nice rack!"
I didn't get upset, though, because we were just starting a game of pool.
Fine, but why did he say that while you were racking?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7022 Nov 14, 2013
JM_Brazil wrote:
<quoted text>
Fine, but why did he say that while you were racking?
Oh, crap... you're right. He DID say that while I was setting 'em up!

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#7023 Nov 14, 2013
When I walked in I immediately noticed a very good looking girl standing at the counter. After waiting several minutes, I realized it was my time, so I walked up and said "Hi."

She started yelling at me, saying "What the f*ck is it with you guys? Every night I have to put up with slimy little creeps like you walking up to me and asking for this or that. I've had it up to HERE with guys like you! Get the hell away from me and just LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Jeez," I thought. "I only came in for a burger and fries."

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