Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6978 Oct 23, 2013
My buddy has a bad cold but still played golf over the weekend. He got a bogey on the third hole.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6979 Oct 23, 2013
Chuck Norris once had unprotected sex with Tila Tequila and didn't catch anything.

“Merry Christmas”

Level 8

Since: Dec 08

Cincinnati, OH

#6980 Oct 23, 2013
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line.......smile!

“Merry Christmas”

Level 8

Since: Dec 08

Cincinnati, OH

#6981 Oct 23, 2013
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#6982 Oct 24, 2013
A man wearing nothing but an overcoat flashes an elephant at the zoo. "Impressive" states the elephant. "But can you pick up a peanut?"
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6984 Oct 24, 2013
Bruce Spingsteen calls Chuck Norris "The Boss".

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6985 Oct 26, 2013
The wife and I had a terrible row at the movie last weekend.

It was row S, way in the back.

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6986 Oct 28, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
The wife and I had a terrible row at the movie last weekend.
It was row S, way in the back.
Good show old sport old bean, jolly good! How's your wife and my kids?

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6987 Oct 28, 2013
Actually I've never had sex. I looked it up on the internets and it looked gross, I typed in "man sex".

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6988 Nov 1, 2013
I buddy bought his daughter two pet rabbits last week but, sadly, one died yesterday.

So now he has only twenty.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6989 Nov 1, 2013
Sylvester Stallone says he is better at painting than at acting.

I've never seen his paintings, but I agree with him.

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6990 Nov 1, 2013
I'm not saying she has buck teeth, but she can eat an apple through a picket fence.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6991 Nov 1, 2013
That reminded me of a marching cadence with a tag line of

Singing ki yi yippie yippi yi yippi yay
Singing ki yi yippie yippie yay

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6992 Nov 2, 2013
After years of work, my time machine will be ready for a trial run at 2 a.m. I hope it works.

I think I'll just try to go back one hour to see how it goes.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6993 Nov 2, 2013
A German finds a lamp, rubs it and a Genie pops out. The Genie gives the guy three wishes.

The guys says "For my first wish, I want the Chinese to invade Warsaw and retreat. My second wish is for the Chinese to invade Warsaw and retreat. And for my final wish I want the Chinese to invade Warsaw and retreat."

"Well.... okay," the Genie says. "But I don't think you'll like those wishes very much."

"Yes I will," the German replies. "I'm going to enjoy watching the Chinese fight their way across Russia six times."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6994 Nov 2, 2013
I answered the door last evening and saw a guy from our local pizza joint with a pepperoni pizza.

"I didn't order a pizza," I said.

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbor's Facebook is down and he wanted to show you what he was having for supper."
Parden Pard

Catasauqua, PA

#6995 Nov 2, 2013
Chuck Norris trims his toe-nails with a chain saw.!

SUJ

“Your posts still ”

Level 6

Since: Mar 10

make me giggle

#6996 Nov 3, 2013
There was an American history and art buff who was also very wealthy.
After collecting artifacts from a period, he would set them up in a room of his mansion decorated with murals reflecting the time represented.
He commissioned a famous impressionist to paint the wall over the collection from Custer's Last Stand.
The work took 6 weeks to complete behind closed doors.
At last the day came to unveil and admire this great piece of history painted above his priceless treasures..
The scaffolding was removed and the drapes dropped.
The man stood there gazing in silenced shock. Before him was a panorama beginning with a winged and halo-ed bovine standing on a cloud. Below was a field of waving grass, filled with hundreds of native Americans in an orgy of pornographic activity.
The man asked the artist,'What the hell is this?"
The artist replied, "I tried to imagine what Custer was thinking when he rode over that hill, and this is my rendition of "Holy cow, look at all those f-ing Indians!"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6997 Nov 3, 2013
German Chancellor Angela Merkel has said that she is outraged by accusations her phone has been tapped, the NSA has revealed.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#6998 Nov 4, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
German Chancellor Angela Merkel has said that she is outraged by accusations her phone has been tapped, the NSA has revealed.
LOL!

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