Come on...Tell me a joke
Mic

Tokyo, Japan

#6959 Oct 15, 2013
How about Monterey Jack?
They name is Patrick and I've never been to California.
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6960 Oct 15, 2013
In his last will and testament Chuck Norris stated that if he dies he will bury himself

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6961 Oct 16, 2013
My buddy said everyone at his workplace was issued a bottle of hand sanitizer yesterday.

A big "Thank You" to the President for the budget savings at the Center for Disease Control Viral Research Lab.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6962 Oct 16, 2013
A website in the UK says American's are proving stereotypes through our government.

We put a Texan in charge and suddenly went looking for oil.

Then we put a black guy in charge and suddenly nobody is working, we're out of money and selling pot.
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6963 Oct 17, 2013
Rambo has a Chuck Norris poster on his wall.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6964 Oct 18, 2013
A woman drank a shot out of a tennis shoe for ten dollars at the bar last weekend.

"Is there anything you wouldn't do for money?" I asked.

"I wouldn't have sex with YOU," she laughed.

"Well screw you, too" I thought while putting my wallet back in my pocket.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6965 Oct 18, 2013
My daughter brought her new boyfriend home last night. He was quiet, but very polite.

Not once did he ask me why I was holding an axe.
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6966 Oct 18, 2013
Chuck Norris doesn't 'pass gas' he FARTS and blows trees over

Level 8

Since: Dec 08

Fairfield, OH

#6967 Oct 18, 2013
Duct tape fixes everything, but Chuck Norris fixes duct tape

Level 8

Since: Dec 08

Fairfield, OH

#6968 Oct 18, 2013
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6969 Oct 19, 2013
In The News: "Over 300 Africans Feared Drowned After Boat Capsizes Off Italian Coast."

Sounds like the Captain of the Costa Concordia is completing his first week of community service.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6970 Oct 19, 2013
What if every band had "gays" in it?

Sleeping With Gays, The Rolling Gays, Moody Gays, One Direction, Three Gays Night, Peter Paul and Gays...
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6971 Oct 20, 2013
Chuck Norris can literally slap you stupid.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6972 Oct 21, 2013
"It's not what it looks like," I quickly said when my wife walked in while I was on the computer. "I'm, umm, I'm looking at porn."

"Well... okay," she said, skeptically. "But if I find out you've been on that silly joke site again there's going to be hell to pay."

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#6973 Oct 21, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
"It's not what it looks like," I quickly said when my wife walked in while I was on the computer. "I'm, umm, I'm looking at porn."
"Well... okay," she said, skeptically. "But if I find out you've been on that silly joke site again there's going to be hell to pay."
Lol, cute.

There was a show on TV a few years ago I really enjoyed called Third Rock from the Sun. One of the characters was hiding a bag of oregano in his sock drawer, fearing that if he got caught, he would be assigned with the responsibilty of cooking for the "family". When his elder discvered the oregano, he pleaded "No, it's not what you think - it's marajuana!"

A memorable moment that you reminded me of, thanks!
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6974 Oct 21, 2013
Chuck Norris can make a gay man scared straight.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6975 Oct 22, 2013
I can drink a can of beer in 45 seconds.

My buddy can do it in 33 1/3.

Are those records?
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6976 Oct 22, 2013
Chuck Norris cuts his fingernails with a hatchet.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6978 Oct 23, 2013
My buddy has a bad cold but still played golf over the weekend. He got a bogey on the third hole.
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6979 Oct 23, 2013
Chuck Norris once had unprotected sex with Tila Tequila and didn't catch anything.

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