dad of 3

Portland, OR

#6939 Oct 6, 2013
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates!

01 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!
02 - Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
03 - Half the people you know are below average.
04 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
06 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
07 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
08 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
09 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis… raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6940 Oct 6, 2013
For most people home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

“My Favorite Aunt”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6941 Oct 6, 2013
How does a black chick tell if she's pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6942 Oct 7, 2013
My buddy knocked on the door last night and asked "Can I stay here tonight? My wife hasn't come home and I don't want to be there alone."

"Not tonight," I replied. "I've got company. But I'm sure she'll be home in about an hour."

"Make it two!" came a shout from upstairs.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6943 Oct 7, 2013
I visited my buddy in the hospital after he got beaten up at the bar and asked him what happened.


"It happened right after you left," he said. "Some asshole told that gang of bikers he had overheard me calling them a bunch of queers who couldn't ride a Honda scooter."

"Any idea who told them that?" I asked.

"No, none," he replied. "But thanks for coming to see me. The way you stormed out of there after I beat you in five games of pool and told you I'd been sleeping with your wife, I thought you'd still be mad at me."
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6944 Oct 7, 2013
Before the filming of each episode of Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris was injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This was done in an effort to limit the number of fatalities in the fight scenes.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6945 Oct 8, 2013
No one listens to me these days.

Not since the government shutdown has closed the NSA.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6946 Oct 8, 2013
Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute didn't open. He returned it the next day.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6947 Oct 9, 2013
Three words to ruin a man's ego: "Is it in?"

Three words to ruin a woman's ego: "I can't tell."
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6948 Oct 9, 2013
Chuck Norris has the iPhone 6, and he runs android on it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6949 Oct 10, 2013
People who put something like "True story" at the end of a story doesn't make me believe it any more than I would have without that statement.

Fact.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6950 Oct 10, 2013
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares theshit out of it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6951 Oct 11, 2013
Chuck Norris ain't that much of a bad-a**. If he was, he'd find me and alkauoaunaskoiioamtrty
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6952 Oct 11, 2013
Chuck Norris can make a hat pop out of a rabbit.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6953 Oct 12, 2013
I accidentally walked into the wrong conference room at the motel over the weekend and found myself in a Conspiracy Theorist meeting. I quickly apologized and walked out.

But at least it gave them something new to talk about.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6954 Oct 12, 2013
Thanks to the pumpkin patch, I'm no longer addicted to carving jack-o-lanterns.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6955 Oct 12, 2013
Chuck Norris knows where Waldo is hiding.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6956 Oct 13, 2013
Chuck Norris is so tough he laughed when he read Henry Ford said “It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.” And said, "Abolish the treasonous federal reserve system. The only one's who love it are corrupt politicians and foreign bankers. Even the immigrant and poor beneficiaries cheat on their payments and curse the bankers. Small unit commanders organize your Militia units, God willing. The lawful punishment for treason is death. TERMINATION by OZONE GAS looks like heart attack and leaves no forensic evidence and is more target specific than traffic accident, and requires no bullet back stop."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6957 Oct 14, 2013
I saw a guy fishing in the creek and asked "What makes you think there are fish in there?"

"Little eddies in the water," he replied.

"And... little Eddie told you?" I asked.

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6958 Oct 15, 2013
joke wrote:
Chuck Norris is so tough he laughed when he read Henry Ford said “It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.” And said, "Abolish the treasonous federal reserve system. The only one's who love it are corrupt politicians and foreign bankers. Even the immigrant and poor beneficiaries cheat on their payments and curse the bankers. Small unit commanders organize your Militia units, God willing. The lawful punishment for treason is death. TERMINATION by OZONE GAS looks like heart attack and leaves no forensic evidence and is more target specific than traffic accident, and requires no bullet back stop."
HAhahaha, wait, what!?

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