“If It Is Possible”

Level 5

Since: Mar 13

It Will Likely Happen

#6832 Sep 4, 2013
If a turtle loses his shell is he NAKED or HOMELESS?

“If It Is Possible”

Level 5

Since: Mar 13

It Will Likely Happen

#6833 Sep 4, 2013
An old man is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets in. The punk-rocker's hair was red, green, yellow and orange & he has feathers for earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says; “what are you staring at old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?”

The old man sarcastically says; Yep, One time on a bad drug trip I had sex with a peacock. Thought you might be my son.

“If It Is Possible”

Level 5

Since: Mar 13

It Will Likely Happen

#6834 Sep 4, 2013
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.

"My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared. "No, he's not!" Johnny responded. "My brother is better than you brother!" Billy declared. "He is not!" yelled Little Johnny.

"My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy declared. A long pause ensued, and then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once.

“If It Is Possible”

Level 5

Since: Mar 13

It Will Likely Happen

#6835 Sep 4, 2013
Two young newly weds go up to the mountains for a their honeymoon. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms them up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,“Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She says, "Damn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

“"Living The Dream"”

Level 9

Since: Sep 11

It Is What It Is

#6836 Sep 4, 2013
The teacher decides to play a game of 20 questions with her students. The first question was I have something round and red, what is it? Little Susie says you have a Apple, The teacher says no but your thinking, it's a Tomato! Little Johnny stands up and puts his hand down in his pocket, I have something hard and round with a head on it, what is it? The teacher says go to the Principals office, No Johnny says, but your thinking, It's a quarter!!

“Purple girl in a purple world”

Level 8

Since: Apr 08

Plum, Purplonia

#6837 Sep 5, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
I'm glad that it's 2013.
No more annoying dates like 04/04/04, 10/10/10 or 12/12/12 for another 88 years.
That is why I can't wait until Oncember 13, 2013. Seriously, we will have 11-12-13 this year.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6838 Sep 5, 2013
Purple Gurl wrote:
<quoted text>
That is why I can't wait until Oncember 13, 2013. Seriously, we will have 11-12-13 this year.
Rats. You're right.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6839 Sep 5, 2013
My New Years Resolution is to start making decisions a lot quicker.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6840 Sep 5, 2013
As I paced around the vasectomy clinic, I looked at my hands and couldn't stop them from shaking. Glancing around the room I realized I wasn't the only one worried.

My patient looked absolutely terrified.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#6841 Sep 5, 2013
Replay, you reminded me of a joke.

I used to be on the FCC’s mailing list of daily events, such as filings and license grants, etc. One issue came which was a joke, but was sent by accident. Some of you may have seen this on the news years ago, the poor girl responsible for this weekly news update meant to send the joke to her group of friends, but inadvertently sent it to every corner of the Earth, to the newsletter mailgroup. Keep in mind that this mailing list includes top corporate executives of many major tech industries and carriers. I still recall the joke – it was a good one;

A bus full of nuns drives over a cliff to the unfortunate demise of all aboard. The sisters, standing in line at the pearly gates are greeted personally and individually by St. Peter before entrance. St. Peter begins by greeting Sister Mary. "Hello Sister Mary, welcome to heaven Do you have any sins you would like to confess before you enter?"
"Well" starts sister Mary, "when I was younger I touched a man's penis..."
St. Peter told her to dip her hand into the holy water, and to proceed. Meanwhile, Sister Elizabeth was trying quietly to cut the line, moving forward slowly.
Sister Theresa was next, and confessed to St. Peter that she too had held a man's genitals, and was also instructed to wash her hand in the holy water. Meanwhile Sister Elizabeth continued to cut past the other Sisters. St. Peter took notice and politely asked Sister Elizabeth what her hurry was.

"Well" began Sister Elizabeth in a rather sheepish voice, "If I must wash my mouth in the holy water, I would like to do it before Sister Glenda has to wash her ass in it…"

And that ladies and gentlemen, was on paper with the letterhead "From the desk of the FCC".

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6842 Sep 6, 2013
My neighbor called the cops and complained that I was playing a Led Zeppelin album too loud.

They came out and arrested the idiot.

“Merry Christmas”

Level 8

Since: Dec 08

Cincinnati, OH

#6843 Sep 6, 2013
Two Kentuckians, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said,

"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,

"You boys been drinkin'?

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6844 Sep 8, 2013
Chuck Norris hates to piss in a urinal because the porcelain to too cold.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6845 Sep 9, 2013
In The News: Man, 107, Killed In Shootout With SWAT Team.

I blame the parents.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6846 Sep 9, 2013
Chuck Norris kickspeople in the face first and asks questions later.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6847 Sep 9, 2013
Tornado warnings were posted for the area of Arlington, Texas this evening. Everyone was advised to go to Cowboy stadium because there's no chance of a touchdown there.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6848 Sep 10, 2013
Allstate may protect you from mayhem, but it is useless against Chuck Norris.

“Hi!”

Level 2

Since: Jun 12

Location hidden

#6849 Sep 10, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
Tornado warnings were posted for the area of Arlington, Texas this evening. Everyone was advised to go to Cowboy stadium because there's no chance of a touchdown there.
Hey hey hey! We beat the Giants 2 days ago!!! Them are fighting words, put 'em up!:)

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6850 Sep 11, 2013
Brandiiiiiiii wrote:
<quoted text>
Hey hey hey! We beat the Giants 2 days ago!!! Them are fighting words, put 'em up!:)
Oops! Ummmmm... I've heard their stadium has a hole in the roof so God can watch his favorite team play.

:)

“Hi!”

Level 2

Since: Jun 12

Location hidden

#6852 Sep 11, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
<quoted text>Oops! Ummmmm... I've heard their stadium has a hole in the roof so God can watch his favorite team play.

:)
Nice save! A retractable roof at that. I'll let you slide this time, but I got my eye on you!!!!:0

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