Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6660 Jul 21, 2013
The French keep stealing our words. They just take the "b" out of 'bananas' and call them 'ananas.'

And French bananas are horrible. They taste like pineapples.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6661 Jul 21, 2013
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6662 Jul 22, 2013
As President Roosevelt said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6663 Jul 23, 2013
This guy went to the same restaurant every day and ordered ham and eggs. One day the waitress saw the man coming, so she grabs a menu and crosses the ham and eggs out.

When the guy sits down she hands him the menu, smiles sweetly and says "Sorry hon, I just scratched what you like."

And the guy says "Well, go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6664 Jul 23, 2013
I don't like cards anymore, I dropped a big deuce and now my ace hurts.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#6665 Jul 23, 2013
Why is the toothbrush called a toothbrush and not a teethbrush?

Because it was invented by a guy from Kentucky.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#6666 Jul 23, 2013
Give a man a match and he will stay warm for an instant.

Set a man on fire and he will stay warm for the rest of his life.

“Easy does it... ”

Level 5

Since: Nov 12

Location hidden

#6667 Jul 23, 2013
The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had
created.
"What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to
look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging
toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear
was closing in. He ran even faster, so scared
that tears were coming to his eyes.

Looking over his shoulder again, the bear was
even closer. His heart was pumping frantically
and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and
fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the
bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with
his left paw and raising his right paw to strike.

At that instant the atheist cried out, without
thinking,
"Oh my God!... "

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice
came out of the sky,
"You deny my existence for all of these years,
teach others I don't exist and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now
count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and
answered,
"It would be hypocritical for me to be a
Christian after all these years; but, perhaps,
you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.
The River ran again.
The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ...
brought both paws together ... bowed his head and
spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive,
I am truly thankful."
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6668 Jul 23, 2013
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean

“Easy does it... ”

Level 5

Since: Nov 12

Location hidden

#6669 Jul 23, 2013
joke wrote:
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean
Type in the term "find chuck norris" on the Goggle search engine. Read the very first one that pops up....(was shown that one a couple of years ago).

I decided that I don't want to find him.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6670 Jul 24, 2013
I remember watching TV about the stricken Costa Concordia when the reporter on the scene said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court."

That's when I just happened to glance over at the wife, who was lying on the sofa, and all hell broke loose.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6671 Jul 24, 2013
Chuck Norris needs a blow torch and a pipe wrench to masterbate.

“Up with which, I will not put”

Since: Jul 08

Sao Paulo

#6672 Jul 25, 2013
Lol, I followed Will Mummy's advice and googled 'Find Chuck Norris'.
This is what I got;

"Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you. Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents."

Kudos Google, love a good sense of humor.

Now every site I go will have Chuck Norris merchandise pop-ups.
Sneek Blee

Oklahoma City, OK

#6673 Jul 25, 2013
Politicians

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6674 Jul 25, 2013
The local radio station is advertising a competition but they're being very tight lipped about it. They're only saying that listeners can win "the worst prize ever."

I called them to find out what, exactly, the prize is, but they're not giving anything away.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6675 Jul 25, 2013
Chuck Norris banned rainbows from the state of Texas.

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6676 Jul 26, 2013
My redneck friend broke up with his girlfriend when he found out she was a virgin. He said, "If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for mine!"

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6677 Jul 26, 2013
Some Itatial food is gross, like pecker in your mano cheese.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6678 Jul 26, 2013
My nephew just got a job in a factory that makes smoke alarms. He works in the department that programs them to fail at 3:30 in the morning.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6679 Jul 26, 2013
Chuck Norris's agent asked him if he wanted to star in Brokeback Mountain. He's been missing for 8 years.

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