Come on...Tell me a joke

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#6376
May 20, 2013
 
My poor old aunt in Florida died of a massive heart attack when she was watching the TV on Saturday evening. No-one knows what caused it, but she was always really healthy, so it came as terrible shock to everyone.

Still, it wasn't a bad weekend for everyone. The Paramedic who tried to revive her was in the papers earlier. Lucky bastard won the Lottery the same night.

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#6377
May 20, 2013
 

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My buddy's wife left him because of his excessive drinking.

Ironically, he said, that's what made him propose to her in the first place.

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#6378
May 21, 2013
 

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I walked to the receptionist desk at the motel and asked "How much for one night?"

"$85," she said.

"Great! I'm in room 242."
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6379
May 22, 2013
 

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3 men were discussing aging.

“60 is the worst age to be,” said the 60 year old.“You always feel like you have to piss. And most of the time you stand in front of the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70 year old.“When your 70 you cant even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran you sit on the toilet all day and NOTHING comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80 year old,“80 is the worst age of all!”

“Do you have trouble pissing too?” asked the 60 year old?

“No, not really, I piss every morning at 6:00 am,” said the 80 year old.“I piss like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all!”

“Do you have trouble crapping?” asked the 70 year old.

“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”

The 60 year old said,“Let’s get this straight,
The 80 year old replied,“I don’t wake up until 7:00 am!

“The trolls hate this guy”

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In the heads of trolls

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#6380
May 23, 2013
 

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Judge to a Black defendent: Would you mind telling the court what you have been saying under your breath?

Defendent: God am the judge! God am the judge!

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#6381
May 23, 2013
 

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While channel surfing I happened to stop on a show called Cooking With Miss Fanny. I decided to make donuts along with her, and I'm proud to say that all of my donuts looked like fannys.

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#6382
May 23, 2013
 
Me and my buddy were lucky enough to go on a helicopter ride last Saturday. I remember asking the driver "How high are we right now?"

"Pretty high," the officer said. "This is a police car."

“The trolls hate this guy”

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#6383
May 23, 2013
 

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Two old men were discussing their close friend's upcoming marriage to a widow. The one said, "I would never want to be the second husband of any widow." The other relied, "I'd rather be her second husband than her first."

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#6384
May 24, 2013
 
My wife just phoned me and said she had found a "positive" pregnancy test in the spare bedroom that her little sister is using.

"You're kidding," I said.

"No, I'm not," she said. "And not only that, my little sister started crying and told me it was yours."

"That's crazy," I said. "Why would I use a pregnancy test? Men can't get pregnant."

Women. How dumb can they be?

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#6385
May 24, 2013
 

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My buddy somehow got a couple of Viagra's jammed in his ear today.

Now he's finding it hard to hear.
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6386
May 25, 2013
 
Monica walks into the cleaners and says id like to get this dress cleaned. The clerk has bad hearing and says, come again. She says no its mustard

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#6387
May 26, 2013
 
I found some strange looking mushrooms but they tasted like crap.

I think they might have been toad stools

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#6388
May 26, 2013
 
I actually met Nicole Kidman over the weekend. When I asked what she hated most about being famous, she said "Oh, that's easy; when people write false stories about me. It really upsets me because I know it isn't true, but people who don't know me personally will believe it."

Then we had wild sex until dawn.

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#6389
May 26, 2013
 
Church humor:

A man asked his friend what he should name his boat.
His friend answered, "Sabbath Breaker".

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#6390
May 26, 2013
 
My buddy has come up with a new invention.

"It's an automatic shaver," he explained. "You simply put your head in the box and you receive a professional shave by two extremely sharp razors."

"How is that possible," I asked. "The contours of every face is different."

"Yes," he said. "But only the first time."
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6391
May 27, 2013
 
An Old Fart Goes to Confession and says,“Father, I’m 82, and I just slept with two women.” The priest says,” Say three Hail Marys and all will be forgiven.”“I don’t know the Hail Mary,” the old man says.“I’m not Catholic.”“Then why are you telling me?” asks the priest.“Telling you?” the guy says.“I’m telling everyone!”

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#6392
May 28, 2013
 
A beggar went to a rich man's house and rang the bell. The rich man went to the door. The beggar says, "I'm really hungry and will do anything you want for some food."
The rich man sees sinceriity in his eyes and decides to feed him and give him a job. After he beggar gets some food the rich man hands him a can of beautiful blue paint and a paint brush. "Go to the back yard and paint the porch - inside and out, then come and tell me.
"Sure, I can do that." The beggar goes to the back yard. A couple hours later he goes back to the front door and reports. "I finished the job."
The rich man doesn't even check, he just thanks him and gives him a 20 dollar bill.
As the beggar is going out the gate he calls back, "By the way, it isn't a Porsche, its a Ferrari."

“"Always Thinking"”

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Greensburg, IN

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#6393
May 28, 2013
 

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My sex life is like my Ferrari_---
'i' don't have a Ferrari!

“A Time 4 Laughter and a ....”

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Since: Apr 13

Time to be candid

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#6394
May 28, 2013
 
On the right of me was a lion! On the left were two wild elephants! Behind me was a tiger! I was on my trusty steed, going as fast as I could, when all of a sudden ... the ride stopped and I got off the merry-go-round.:)

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#6395
May 28, 2013
 
My sex life is like my paycheck. I don't talk about it because I don't want anyone to know how little I get...

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