Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6355 May 11, 2013
One day a hunter was walking through the woods and spotted an Indian Chief being chased by a grizzly bear. So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the bear, saving the Indian Chief's life.
The Chief invited the hunter back to his camp to throw him one heck of a bash for saving his life. There was plenty of food. Indians were dancing all over the place with happiness. They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you. I've picked 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and chose one, she will be your wife."
With this, the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged young beautiful Indian maidens. They walked in front of the hunter so he could get a better view of them. The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were topless. And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their breasts.
''Why don't any of his maidens have nipples on their breasts?''
''What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?''

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6356 May 11, 2013
A man was having an affair with a married woman. When her husband had gone to work, her secret lover came 'round. Just as they got down to business, the door bell went. The woman went and peered out of the curtains to see who it was.
"Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten something."

The woman went downstairs, and the man jumped out of the window before he was seen. He was totally naked, so hid behind a bush. About an hour later, a nudist group ran by, doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up, and joined them.
After a while, he got talking to one of them, "So how long have you been a nudist?" a man asked him.
"Not long" he replied "what about that?" the other man said to him, pointing to the condom the man was wearing.
"Oh, it was raining when I came out" the man replied.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6357 May 11, 2013
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6358 May 11, 2013
Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up,'cause 7 days a week he's up."
"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."
"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."
"Exactly."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6359 May 11, 2013
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said, "St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn''t make it to Heaven."

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"
"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6360 May 11, 2013
A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.

The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tomorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies,''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6361 May 11, 2013
An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father".
The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the father for many."
The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does.
"Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time.
As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6362 May 11, 2013
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow
"You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment. "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them,'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#6363 May 11, 2013
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.
"The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full
of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#6364 May 11, 2013
SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is ... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is ... having friends.
At age 17 success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is ... having money.
At age 50 success is ... having money.
At age 70 success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is ... having friends.
At age 80 success is ... not peeing in your pants.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6365 May 12, 2013
My refrigerator came to my bedroom early this morning, opened the door, stood there and looked around the room for a couple of minutes, then closed the door and left.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6367 May 13, 2013
I have a buddy named Don Phillips, but he had his lips removed so now we just call him Phil.

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#6368 May 14, 2013
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, shoes shined, no walker, etc. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is a very fine-looking lady in her early seventies. The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6369 May 14, 2013
"I hate hippies," my buddy said. "Their vegan diet, smug faces, tiny feet and sawdust bedding. No, wait.... hamsters. I hate hamsters."

“I call it as I see it.”

Level 8

Since: Jul 09

Retirement City

#6370 May 17, 2013
Q. How is property with a no trespassing sign like a Topix reply?

A. Both are posted.
Tom Pappas

Anonymous Proxy

#6371 May 17, 2013
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout,“PRAISE THE LORD!”

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout,“There ain’t no Lord!”

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted,“PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries.”

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted,“PRAISE THE LORD!”

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said,“HA…HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn’t!”

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying,“PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!”

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6372 May 17, 2013
My buddy went to a Sarcasm Support Group and I asked how it went.
"Great," he said. "I feel soooooo much better."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6373 May 18, 2013
Our brain, just like a computer, can hold only so much information. That's why when you learn something new, you'll forget something you once knew. As an example my buddy, Tim, spent months learning how to brew beer at home. Now he's forgotten how to drive.

“I call it as I see it.”

Level 8

Since: Jul 09

Retirement City

#6374 May 18, 2013
An Arab was holding a prayer vigil asking Allah to give him a camel. He invited over three friends to participate along with him. After the prayer vigil was over and Allah did not grant him his wish, he faced Mecca and prayed to Allah as follows: "you did not see fit to grant my wish for a camel, but thank you anyway for those three jackasses."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6375 May 18, 2013
I just got back from the future. You're not gonna believe how many blades they have on razors.

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