Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6336 May 8, 2013
Sometimes my jokes are like a beautiful woman... hard to get, but once you do it isn't nearly as good as you thought it would be.
Level 5

Since: Nov 12

Location hidden

#6337 May 8, 2013
2 little boys are sent to the showers after a swim meet. One gets in and starts to shower and then the other one gets in. The second boys sees the frist boys willie and says " hey what happened to you"?
Oh I'm circumsized. So the boy asks whats that? So he tells the other boy its when they cut the fore skin off. WOW said the other boy did it hurt? So the frist boys says, " I couldn't walk for a year.

Since: Feb 13

Step Into My Realm

#6338 May 9, 2013
joke wrote:
Two tramps were walking down the road. One of them started sniffing the air and said to the other tramp, "have you shit your pants?"
The other tramp said, "no, I haven't".
The first tramp said, "pull your pants down and let me see."
So he pulled them down and they were full of shit.
"See, I told you you had shit yourself," said the first tramp.
The other tramp said, "oh, I thought you meant today."
OMG! Good one!
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6339 May 9, 2013
Homeless gays have a rough time. They don't have a closet to come out of
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6341 May 10, 2013
The biggest problem with employing homeless people is that they don't think outside the box.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6342 May 11, 2013
I, the undersigned, agree that...

1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex, I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

7. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

9. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine, of course.

Signed __________

ate __________

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6343 May 11, 2013
I've decided my wife should have breakfast in bed for Mother's Day, so I rolled the BBQ grill into the bedroom for her.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6344 May 11, 2013
My buddy just texted me by accident wishing his mom a Happy Mother's Day.

Luckily, she stayed over last night so I passed the message along for him.

Since: Aug 09

Location hidden

#6345 May 11, 2013
Two Gays and two lesbians leave New York to San Francisco ... Who gets there first ?

The girls get off lickety split , while the guys stay behind to pack their shite .

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6346 May 11, 2013
On the news this morning I saw that Tokyo has been destroyed by a giant winged insect.

It's Mothra's Day......

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6347 May 11, 2013
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program.''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads,''If you can catch me you can have me!''
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself,''I like the way this company does business.''
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,''If you can catch me, you can have me.''

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.
''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone,''this is our most rigorous program...''
''Absolutely,'' he replies.'' I haven't felt this great in years!''
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads,''If I catch you, I have you!!'

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6348 May 11, 2013
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said,''I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's ''the'' night. We''re having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6349 May 11, 2013
Top Signs You're Bored at Work

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for the year.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6350 May 11, 2013
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6351 May 11, 2013
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6352 May 11, 2013
This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his penis in the pickle slicer.

The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
“But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed.
“Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6353 May 11, 2013
A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidentally sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.
A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6354 May 11, 2013
An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and it's soon time for the healing portion of the show.
"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place one hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.
"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6355 May 11, 2013
One day a hunter was walking through the woods and spotted an Indian Chief being chased by a grizzly bear. So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the bear, saving the Indian Chief's life.
The Chief invited the hunter back to his camp to throw him one heck of a bash for saving his life. There was plenty of food. Indians were dancing all over the place with happiness. They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you. I've picked 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and chose one, she will be your wife."
With this, the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged young beautiful Indian maidens. They walked in front of the hunter so he could get a better view of them. The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were topless. And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their breasts.
''Why don't any of his maidens have nipples on their breasts?''
''What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?''

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#6356 May 11, 2013
A man was having an affair with a married woman. When her husband had gone to work, her secret lover came 'round. Just as they got down to business, the door bell went. The woman went and peered out of the curtains to see who it was.
"Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten something."

The woman went downstairs, and the man jumped out of the window before he was seen. He was totally naked, so hid behind a bush. About an hour later, a nudist group ran by, doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up, and joined them.
After a while, he got talking to one of them, "So how long have you been a nudist?" a man asked him.
"Not long" he replied "what about that?" the other man said to him, pointing to the condom the man was wearing.
"Oh, it was raining when I came out" the man replied.

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