Come on...Tell me a joke

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#6272
Apr 24, 2013
 
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
LOL

United States

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#6273
Apr 24, 2013
 
How to Save the Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place....

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's
the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6274
Apr 24, 2013
 
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

“"Always Thinking"”

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Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

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#6275
Apr 25, 2013
 
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." ...
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. A pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!" ;)

“I call it as I see it.”

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Retirement City

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#6276
Apr 25, 2013
 

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If con is the opposite of pro, it is no wonder why congress is the opposite of progress.
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6278
Apr 25, 2013
 
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

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#6279
Apr 25, 2013
 

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The wife and I were spending the weekend at a buddy's lake cabin. On the first night I said, "I think there's a monster under my bed."

"Grow up," she replied.

"No, really," I continued. "It's hideous..."

"Knock it off," she snapped. "I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk."

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#6280
Apr 25, 2013
 
I got a hand job yesterday.

I think I'm going to like my new job as a sign language interpreter.

“This is how I see you”

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#6281
Apr 26, 2013
 

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Hype and Chains
A woman from Los Angeles---a tree hugging, anti-hunting liberal---purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree all the way to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

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#6282
Apr 26, 2013
 
I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

“This is how I see you”

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#6283
Apr 26, 2013
 

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THE NEW COUNTRY DOCTOR
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains,'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'
The older doctor says,'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'
As they left, the younger man said,'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was probably what was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said.'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said,'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her.'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doctor said,'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis almost certainly was correct, but how did you arrive at it?'
'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6284
Apr 26, 2013
 

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I went to see my eye doctor and told him I needed new glasses, he looked at me and said you sure do this is Pizza Hut
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6285
Apr 26, 2013
 
Bush calls Cheney because he is so proud of having finished a jigsaw puzzle.

"Hey, Dick", says Bush,"I am so proud because the box this puzzle came in says 5 to 8 years on the side and I finished it in just under 6 months."

Cheney sighs and says, "You are indeed a genius, George."

Bush says, "Hey, Dick, I'm having trouble with my new puzzle, though, can you help me?"

Cheney says, "Sure, George, what's your problem."

Bush says, "Well, none of the pieces fit together in any way. I didn't have this problem with the other puzzle."

Cheney says, "Well, look on the cover of the puzzle box and tell me what kind of picture you see - that should give you a hint."

Bush says, "All I see is a picture of a really big rooster."

Cheney thinks for a minute and says "George, put all the cornflakes back in the box."
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6286
Apr 28, 2013
 
Just saw two homeless men beating each other with cardboard boxes. Pillow fight?
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6287
Apr 28, 2013
 
There were two homeless men named Tim and Jeff. One sunny day, Tim and Jeff decided that they should go get drunk. So Tim reached into his pocket and pulled out 68 cents. Realizing this would not be enough money to get drunk on, Tim came up with an idea. He grabbed Jeff by the arm and dragged him to the local Hot Dog stand. There they bought a Hot Dog and proceeded to the nearest bar. On the way he explained the plan to Jeff. "Now listen up Jeff," said Tim, "We have to do this perfect in order to get free drinks. We'll walk into a bar and order a drink each, then after we finish the drinks, I'll put the hot dog in my pants and pull it out of my zipper. Then you'll get on your knees suck on the hot dog. When the bartender sees you sucking on the hot dog, he'll think you're sucking on my penis and will throw us out of the bar. Therefore we will end up with free drinks!" "That's a great idea" Jeff said, so they proceeded to the local bars to begin their plan. They went on throughout the day and their plan was working to perfection. They were thrown out of every bar they went into and by the end of the night they were piss drunk. After getting thrown out of their last bar Jeff asked' "Hey Tim, pass me that Hot Dog, I'm kind of hungry now" "Oh sorry, I forgot to tell you," said Tim, "I got hungry after the 2nd bar and I ate it."

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#6288
Apr 29, 2013
 

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There is a guy who stands on the street corner looking suspicious while shuffling a deck of poker cards.

He's the local dealer.
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6289
Apr 30, 2013
 
I won the lottery the other day and gave a homeless guy a new home. It was the box from my new 80 inch TV

Since: Feb 13

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#6290
Apr 30, 2013
 

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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6291
Apr 30, 2013
 

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I saw a homeless man begging for change today. He was holding a sign that said This could be you someday. I thought yeah he's right, so l kept my change

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#6292
Apr 30, 2013
 
Hoodies at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two black guys wearing hoodies arrive. Saint Peter looked out through the Gates and said,“Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

Saint Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting at the entrance. God says to Peter,“How many times do I have to tell you.... you can’t be racist and judgmental here. This is Heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”

Saint Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says,“Well they’re gone.”

“The guys wearing hoodies?'” asked God.

“No. The Pearly Gates”

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