Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6254 Apr 13, 2013
Rats. That last was already posted. Sorry 'bout the repeat.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6255 Apr 13, 2013
I bought a DIY cider making kit for $99 off the internet and it came today.

It's a pack of apple seeds.

Level 2

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#6256 Apr 13, 2013
I thought my cat was good, but it turned salty

I .... not as a joke cat

Level 2

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#6257 Apr 13, 2013
who told a bulb to another??
I'm hot

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6258 Apr 14, 2013
I wouldn't call my buddy stupid, because he knows what that means. I'd call him puerile.

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#6259 Apr 14, 2013
Kids in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause kids.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6260 Apr 15, 2013
I got home from work, was stinking hot and shouted through to the kitchen, "I'm going to grab a shower, babe. Join me if you like!" Three things I've learned from this:

1. Remember when you've booked a plumber.
2. Remember the days your wife works late.
3. Not all plumbers are straight.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6261 Apr 15, 2013
A man came up to a farmer and said “I was driving past your farm and noticed you have some milk weed in your field. Would you mind if I walked up there and got some milk?” The farmer chuckles a bit and tells him to go ahead and get all the milk he wants. Well the guy walks out of the field with two pales full of milk. The farmer scratches his head and goes on.

Well, the guy came back the next day and said “Sir, when I was up there yesterday getting my milk, I noticed down at the fence row you had some honeysuckle. Would you mind if I got some honey over there?” The farmer chuckles again and tells him to go ahead and get all the honey he’d like. The guy comes back with a jar full of honey.

He came back to the farmer the very next day and said “When I was over there getting that honey yesterday, I saw over at the pond you had some pussy willow…. The farmer stopped him and said,“You wait a darn minute and let me get my jacket!”
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6262 Apr 18, 2013
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said,''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy.''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said,''These taste like sh*t.''

''See,'' said the other boy,''you're getting smarter already.''

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6263 Apr 18, 2013
I read in the paper that Lindsay Lohan is headed to rehab. It's like 2008 all over again.

Or 2009.

Or 2010.

Or 2011.

Or 2012.

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#6264 Apr 19, 2013
A donkey behind another donkey
I'm behind that second donkey
But there is a whole nation behind me

It is a murder you can describe in a word.

__________
Answer : Ass ass i nation
Assassination

Level 6

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#6265 Apr 19, 2013
Did you here about the little boy born without eyelids? It's a good thing that the parents were for getting the circumcision. The doctors were able to use the foreskin to graft him some eyelids, and he turned out just fine. Just a little cock-eyed though.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6266 Apr 19, 2013
My father once told me "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6267 Apr 20, 2013
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women; she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart :

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible " theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards, Wal-Mart Patti Barber, Office Supervisor Accounting Unit, Behavioral Health Services
R

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6268 Apr 21, 2013
Dad: So you see, son, sperm cells are actually made up of glucose.

Son: So you're saying sperm has sugar in it?

Dad: Technically, yes.

Son: Then why doesn't it taste sweet?

Dad: What?

Son: What?
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6269 Apr 21, 2013
A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next visit home, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busy stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?" "Well...yes." Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped: "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
ex-pitcher

Las Vegas, NV

#6270 Apr 23, 2013
The Gay Cowboy...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6271 Apr 23, 2013
A young guy tells his dad,Hey Dad I just had sex for the first time today. Dad says, Thats great son I'll get us a couple beers to celebrate. Dad comes back with the beers and asks, Well how was it son? Son says, I just got one question. Whens my but gonna quit hurting? Dad drunk both beers

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#6272 Apr 24, 2013
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
LOL

United States

#6273 Apr 24, 2013
How to Save the Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place....

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's
the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

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