Come on...Tell me a joke

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#6232 Apr 4, 2013
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#6233 Apr 4, 2013
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#6234 Apr 4, 2013
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#6235 Apr 4, 2013
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6236 Apr 4, 2013
Whisgean Zoda wrote:
Did y'all hear about the new courderoy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere.
Groan!:)

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6237 Apr 4, 2013
There is a sign at work that reads "The risk of heart disease is reduced by 50% after one year of smoking abstinence." I can't find "abstinence" anywhere, but did find something called "absinthe." It's in liquid form, though, and therefore I have to drink it instead of smoke it. And even though it's got a real strong taste, I figure I'll stick to it for a year.

Hey, it's for my health.
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6239 Apr 4, 2013
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6240 Apr 5, 2013
I read that Clownfish are "sequential hermaphrodites," which means they develop into males first and when they mature they become females. If the one female Clownfish dies or is otherwise removed from the group, one of the largest and most dominant male will become a female.

That explains why Nemo's dad was so desperate to find his son.
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6242 Apr 5, 2013
TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her:''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says:''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

http://newslite.tv/2010/10/22/survey-reveals-...

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#6243 Apr 6, 2013
Remember, there's a fine line between being crazy like a fox, and crazy like FOX News.
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6244 Apr 7, 2013
From A Mother With Love Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6245 Apr 8, 2013
I saw a Facebook status that said "I love my boyfriend so much. You are my world xxxxx."

Why is his name encrypted?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6246 Apr 8, 2013
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6247 Apr 8, 2013
replanted | Dec 6, 2010 A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him 'Are you allergic to anything?' He says 'Yes, just caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the service?' the interviewer asks.'Yes,' he says,'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here. and then asks,'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says,'Yes... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.'

The interviewer tells the guy 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am.'

The guy is puzzled and says 'If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?'

''This is a government job,' the interviewer says.'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6248 Apr 9, 2013
My buddy won $50 when he was the 32nd caller on a local radio show.

The announcer told him "We're going live in just a few seconds, and when we do I'll ask what you're going to spend the money on, and you tell the listeners on the air, okay?"

"Okay," my buddy said.

"5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...Congratulation to Tim, today's winner of fifty dollars! What are you going to spend the money on, Tim?"

"I'm going to spend it on the air."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6249 Apr 12, 2013
"You must pay taxes. But there's no law that says you gotta leave a tip."
-- Advertisement

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."
-- Gerald Barzan

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
-- Dave Barry

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
-- Jay Leno

"If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct."
-- Fran Lebowitz

You know we all hate paying taxes, but the truth of the matter is without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes."
-Jimmy Kimmel

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6250 Apr 12, 2013
Whenever someone says to me,"You look familiar. Where have I seen you before?" I ask "Do you watch porn?"

True story.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6251 Apr 12, 2013
Korea has claimed they are only using their missiles for experimental reasons.

They want to see what happens if they nuke the USA.

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#6252 Apr 13, 2013
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#6253 Apr 13, 2013
What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?

HIP-POP!

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