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“Ungood doubleplus duckspeak.”

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Since: Dec 12

Earth

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#6189
Mar 29, 2013
 
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said,‘Your barracks door is open.’
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,‘Your fly is open.’
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his ‘barracks door.’
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

‘When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?’
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said .....
‘No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.’

“Colleges Search Engine ”

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Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

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#6190
Mar 29, 2013
 
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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Since: Dec 10

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#6191
Mar 29, 2013
 
My buddy scared the shit out of his wife last weekend when he jumped out of her closet and screamed "April Fools!"

Apparently, April Fools is only for the first day of April, and now he's on a missing person's list.

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#6192
Mar 29, 2013
 
April Fool's Day: the day every news broadcast tries to fool viewers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, unbiased and factually correct story.

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#6193
Mar 29, 2013
 
I don't know what's wrong with this bottle of beer, but I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6194
Mar 29, 2013
 
Redneck Dating:

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

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#6195
Mar 30, 2013
 

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The elementary school I went to as a kid was in a real tough neighbourhood.
One day, the teacher asked the class, "What comes after a sentence"? One kid in the back answered, "You make an appeal".

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#6196
Mar 30, 2013
 

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Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.

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#6197
Mar 30, 2013
 

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My buddy has started making a very special homemade wine, but it tastes like crap. He thinks maybe the dingle berries aren't ripe enough.

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#6198
Mar 30, 2013
 

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Overheard in a restaurant yesterday:

"Do you mind? We're trying to have a conversation."

“Colleges Search Engine ”

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www.schoolanduniversity.com

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#6199
Mar 30, 2013
 

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“Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for
$1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
“Okay, you have six months to live.”
dessa

Hollywood, FL

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#6200
Mar 30, 2013
 

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I'll tell you.

It's on you.
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6201
Mar 30, 2013
 

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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

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#6202
Mar 31, 2013
 
Why is pubic hair curly?

So you don't poke your eyes out.
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6203
Mar 31, 2013
 
Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

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http://www.studentshelp.info

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#6204
Mar 31, 2013
 
there are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

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#6205
Mar 31, 2013
 
I'm kind of new to this environment... can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

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#6206
Mar 31, 2013
 
Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

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#6207
Mar 31, 2013
 
Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell everyone we did anyway.

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

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#6208
Apr 1, 2013
 
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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