Come on...Tell me a joke

Newburgh, IN

#6171 Mar 25, 2013
One day Ole ugly Larry come walking into the only bar in town with a big grin on his face.

The bartender says “What’s with that big grin on your face?”

Ugly Larry says “I found this girl tied up on the rail road tracks!”

The bartender inquires “Yeah, so what happened?”

Ugly Larry tells him “Well, I untied her and we went back to my cabin. And we made love all afternoon. First she was on top, then I was on top, then I took her from behind, heck we even did it sideways!’

The bartender asks Ugly Larry “Well, was she pretty?”

Ugly Larry replied “Don’t know… Never found her head

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

Yes, I'm an Atheist.

#6172 Mar 25, 2013
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

Owensboro, KY

#6173 Mar 26, 2013
Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding across the desert. The Lone Ranger stops to pee. A rattlesnake jumps up and bites him on his weiner. He says, Tonto, go get a doctor. Tonto rides his horse to town asks the doctor what to do. The doctor is busy and tells him to cut an X on the bite and suck out the venom. He rides back to the Lone Ranger and tells him, "Doctor say you gonna die."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6174 Mar 26, 2013
At the bar last weekend my buddy asked two girls if they'd let him touch their breasts for $100.

One got angry, yelled at him and stormed out.

The other one stayed cool, calm and collected.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6175 Mar 26, 2013
My neighbor suffered a stroke last summer, but he says it isn't all bad news. As an example, he says, his poker playing has improved by about 50%.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6176 Mar 26, 2013
Enter the politician of your choice.........

"__________ has been injured by a cow whilst collecting more bullshit for the _________ Party."

Newburgh, IN

#6177 Mar 26, 2013
Things You Won't Hear A Redneck Say

Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

Duct tape won't fix that.

Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

You can't feed that to the dog.

No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

Wrestling's fake.

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my gut is too big?

I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, we don't need another dog.

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Spittin' is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#6178 Mar 26, 2013
...husband brings his wife a surprise bouquet of flowers...

wife- "I suppose now you expect me to spread my legs!"

husband- "No, I thought they belong in a vase"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6179 Mar 27, 2013
The well built girl at work stopped by my desk yesterday and said "I want you to come over to my place after work, fix a door that keeps banging and then you can bang me stupid."

I told her to go to hell. Nobody asks me for a favor and then calls me names.

Women. How dumb can they be?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6180 Mar 27, 2013
A 16 year old girl bought herself a tiny bikini. She went home, and put it on, and asked her mom "What do you think?"

And mom said "I think if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6181 Mar 27, 2013
I got a rejection notice from a book publisher in the mail yesterday.

I'll bet if was a famous author it would have been a different story

Newburgh, IN

#6182 Mar 27, 2013
You Might Be A Redneck If:

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

“Big Sur”

Level 8

Since: Jun 11

Location hidden

#6183 Mar 27, 2013
There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says,“I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I said.“I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

#6184 Mar 28, 2013
What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?

A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito.

Newburgh, IN

#6185 Mar 28, 2013
Redneck Etiquette

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you're sure that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6186 Mar 28, 2013
After a night of heavy drinking I woke up naked in a motel room. "Wow,' I thought. "I must have scored last night, but don't remember what she looks like or anything about her."

The bathroom door opened and a really fat chick with dirty hair walked out. My heart sank. "Did we....." I started to ask.

"Oh, God no," she laughed. "You're really not my type. I'm the housekeeper and I'm in here straightening up."

"Thank God," I whispered, and said "Oh. Okay, then. Honestly, I was so drunk last night I don't remember what she looked like."


Newburgh, IN

#6187 Mar 28, 2013
People might think you are a Redneck if...

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV describing the sound of a tornado.

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

Yes, I'm an Atheist.

#6188 Mar 29, 2013
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

Yes, I'm an Atheist.

#6189 Mar 29, 2013
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said,‘Your barracks door is open.’
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,‘Your fly is open.’
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his ‘barracks door.’
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

‘When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?’
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said .....
‘No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.’

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

#6190 Mar 29, 2013
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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