Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6120 Mar 17, 2013
I found a lump of play-dough on our front porch this morning.

I don't know what to make of it.

“"*" Always Thinking "*"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#6121 Mar 17, 2013
I Don't Think So!

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.

Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."

A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."

"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."

Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."

She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.

A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."

Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"

“"*" Always Thinking "*"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#6122 Mar 17, 2013
Why did you have to die?

A man was at a grave yard.

He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"

A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"

"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"

“"*" Always Thinking "*"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#6123 Mar 17, 2013
'i' think 'i' told this'n a;ready, but to celebrate the day:

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND





John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6124 Mar 17, 2013
I was watching “The Walking Dead” last night and thought it was pretty good… until I realized it was the Rolling Stones performing in concert somewhere.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6125 Mar 17, 2013
During our vacation, the wife and I stopped at a neat little church on a back road and there was a cemetery behind it. We got talking with the pastor and he said "Do you know that none of the people who live in this town are allowed to be buried there?"

"No," I said. "Why not?"

"Because they're not dead yet."
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6126 Mar 17, 2013
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,'You're next.'

They stopped that sh it after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6128 Mar 18, 2013
I saw an ad in the paper this morning that said

"Accountant Needed!$35,000 -$40,000
Phone xxx-xxxx"

I called the number and said "The answer is minus $5,000. When can I start?"

“Raising hell since 1989”

Level 6

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6130 Mar 18, 2013
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

He asks the first nun,''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?''

The nun giggles and slyly replies,''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.''

St. Peter says,''OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.''

St. Peter asks the next nun the same question,''Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?''

The nun is a little reluctant but replies ''Well once I fondled and stroked one.''

St. Peter says ''OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.''

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ''Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!

''The nun replies,''Do you think I'm going to gargle with that stuff after Sister Briony has dipped her ass in it?

“Raising hell since 1989”

Level 6

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6131 Mar 18, 2013
After hot passionate sex last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said "You know, You are by far the biggest I've ever had"

Apparently, "Ditto" is not the right response...

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#6132 Mar 18, 2013
Bob walks into the country club one day and notices his friend Tom at the bar, and he was looking pretty drunk. Concerned for his friend because he usually didn't drink much, he asked TOm what the matter was.
Tom gets up and walks to a quiet corner of the bar and says to Bob, "You know Hole 6, the par 3 that runs parallel to the highway?" "Sure," his friend replied, "What about it?"

Tom explained, "Well you see, when I teed off, I sliced it really bad and it went through the windshield of a bus full of nuns. It must have hit teh driver beause he lsot control and the bus flipped several times, killing all the nuns. I just don't know what to do".

"Well", Bob replied, "You need to concentrate more on not dropping your shoulder mid-swing and you'll get rid of that slice."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6133 Mar 18, 2013
A woman came home to find her hubby in bed with another woman.

She yelled "What the H#LL are you doing?"

"We are just practicing our golf swings."

"That's a stupid answer!"

"Well that was a stupid question."
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6134 Mar 19, 2013
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old man would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to her husband's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
a_friend

Reading, PA

#6135 Mar 19, 2013
joke wrote:
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old man would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to her husband's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
there is no judgeit for strange, but strange being good,

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#6136 Mar 20, 2013
One day, a young boy was asked by his teacher to tell him what the chemical formula for water was.

The boy replied with "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O".

The Teacher was stunned. "That's not right, how did you come up with that?"

The boy said, "Last week you said it was H2O!"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6137 Mar 20, 2013
How does the Pope pay when he shops over the internet?

Papal.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6138 Mar 20, 2013
"Last time I was in Cleveland," my buddy said, "I found it very hard to leave."

"Did you fall in love with the city?" I asked.

"No," he said. "Someone stole my car."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6139 Mar 20, 2013
I've been suffering from horrible sneezing fits.

Sometimes they'd go on for hours. My nose would run constantly and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I finally got to the point that I would do anything, ANYTHING, to get over it and went to a doctor.

I continued having my sneezing fits throughout the examinations, even when they brought specialists in. They took blood and pricked my skin for allergy tests but couldn't find anything physically wrong with me.

Finally, they thought they were on to something and I endured more weeks of blood tests, finger sticks and allergy tests.

Turns out I'm allergic to Kleenex.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6140 Mar 20, 2013
A guy got on a bus one day and sat down in an aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?" The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6141 Mar 21, 2013
At the beer joint last Saturday night, I came back from the bathroom and the gal I had been dancing with hugged me and asked where I had gone. I said I went to take a leak.

We danced a few more times and I said "I'm going to be heading back pretty soon."

She held my hand and shyly said "Can I come with you?"

"Well, sure, if you want. But it may not be pleasant. I've got diarrhea."

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