Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6097 Mar 14, 2013
I went to the open mike at a local comedy club over the weekend. The guy who was up before me was so bad that the crowd was still booing him all through my act.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6098 Mar 14, 2013
Pope Benedict resigned, saying that at 85 he didn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties.

A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26 year old girlfriend.

Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6099 Mar 14, 2013
Interviewer: "Congratulations on winning the lottery."

Farmer: "Thank you."

Interviewer: "Do you have any special plans for spending all of that money?"

Farmer: "Nope. Not really. I'm just gonna keep farming until the lottery money is all gone."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6100 Mar 15, 2013
I didn't know it until about an hour ago, but apparently pineapple makes semen taste better. I always thought it was the other way around.

Oh, and I also got fired from my job in the produce section of the grocery store.
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6102 Mar 15, 2013
How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Call them and tell them you can't come

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6103 Mar 15, 2013
I had started a new business delivering hot drinks straight to the customer, but received a "cease and desist" order from some attorney.

It's a shame, too. I thought "Tea-Mobile" would be a big hit.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6104 Mar 15, 2013
I saw a sign down at the hardware store that said "Stainless Steel Sinks".

Bit obvious, I thought.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6105 Mar 15, 2013
Wouldn't it be fun if "The Discovery Channel" was on a different station every day?
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6106 Mar 15, 2013
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6109 Mar 16, 2013
My buddy's wife accused him of hating her family and relatives, and he said "No, I do not hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

He's sleeping on the couch again.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6110 Mar 16, 2013
I'm not very clear on this Pope thing.

It's common knowledge that black smoke means the piston rings need replaced and white smoke means there is a leak in the head gasket.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6111 Mar 16, 2013
At a job interview........

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a f*ck what you think."

“I am H.G's Sock”

Level 7

Since: Jul 12

Or is he mine?

#6112 Mar 16, 2013
A hypnotist was brutally attacked on stage yesterday after he instructed a member of the audience to pretend to be a lion.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6113 Mar 16, 2013
The wife was wanting to spice things up in the bedroom, so we decided we'd go with a old-timey western theme. Later that week she sauntered into the bedroom dressed as a cowgirl and said "Howdy, stranger!"

I said "Stranger? It's ME, you idiot!"

Women. How dumb can they be?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6114 Mar 16, 2013
My boss tried to tell me I was acting immature, but I put my hands over my ears and told her I wasn't listening.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

“My Bad! Just hold me. ”

Level 9

Since: Aug 07

Orion's Belt

#6115 Mar 16, 2013
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while,
one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from
listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I!

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I !
And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says,

"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the
old central part of town"

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So
did I! And may I ask, to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. I thought
you looked familiar. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon
us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me
ownself."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a l o o n n n g night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again
Dangerous Brian

UK

#6116 Mar 16, 2013
I was just about to go speed-dating, when I asked my mate for some advice."Just agree with what she says," he said, "and, more importantly, act as if you like everything she likes.""Thanks, mate," I said, before trotting off to the venue.I arrived and took my seat. As I sat at the table a stunning blonde girl came over..."Hi," she said. "I'm going to put this out in the open right now: I love nothing more than sucking cock and being fucked up the arse.""Me too!" I replied.
joke

Newburgh, IN

#6117 Mar 16, 2013
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out im a lesbian

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6118 Mar 17, 2013
I had to take a suprise drug test at work and it came back negative.

My dealer has some 'splaining to do.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6119 Mar 17, 2013
My buddy was asked out by a number of very beautiful women over the weekend.

Sadly, he said, that number was "zero."

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Weird Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Thousands of demonstrators protest Trump in Atl... 3 min andet1987 2,091
What Is Your DREAM JOB? 7 min andet1987 51
CHANGE One letter CHANCE (Sep '08) 52 min SweLL GirL 36,528
El's Kitchen (Feb '09) 1 hr ROSE 74,357
News Evolution vs. Creation (Jul '11) 1 hr replaytime 221,395
5 Letter Word, Change 1 Letter (Oct '15) 2 hr SweLL GirL 7,586
*add A word / drop a word* (Nov '12) 2 hr SweLL GirL 16,562
What song are you listening to right now? (Apr '08) 2 hr Sharlene45 215,475
News Chicago artist creates a mural of Michelle Obam... 6 hr Ted Haggard s Mas... 38
A to Z songs by title or group! 8 hr wichita-rick 1,592
More from around the web