Come on...Tell me a joke

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

#6077 Mar 12, 2013
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she put a ruler next to her bed to see how long she sleeps.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6078 Mar 12, 2013
My buddy just stopped by my house to show me his new Land Rover. It's a dog that's afraid of water.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6079 Mar 12, 2013
I heard a helicopter with Tourette's go over the house earlier today.

It was going "fuckafuckafuckafucka.... .."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6080 Mar 12, 2013
During our vacation, the wife and I stopped at a neat little church on a back road and there was a cemetery behind it. We got talking with the pastor and he said "Do you know that none of the people who live in this town are allowed to be buried here?"

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because they're not dead yet."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6081 Mar 12, 2013
I don't know what to think about my buddy. He was holding his little grandson when the toddler clearly said "Mother."

"Hey," my buddy yelled. "The baby just said half a word!"

“Raising hell since 1989”

Level 6

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6082 Mar 12, 2013
Two survivors of a plane crash were walking across the desert.
They were starving hungry.
They came across a dead goat's carcass that had been half eaten by maggots.
The first man got down on his hands and knees and started devouring the rotten meat, maggots and all!
He said to the second man, why aren't you eating?
The second man replied, I will wait, you eat it all!
After eating the whole carcass, they carry on walking.
The first man suddenly starting throwing up all the rotten meat he had eaten!
The second man knelt down and started to eat what his friend had thrown up and said...
See? I knew if I waited, I would get a warm meal!!!

“Raising hell since 1989”

Level 6

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6083 Mar 12, 2013
Hi, my name is Denzel and I'm from Gloucestershire.

I don't know why people like to make jokes about people from my area inbreeding with each other.

I live with my mother, my wife, my daughter, my sister and my aunt, and neither of us feel these jokes are fair.

“Raising hell since 1989”

Level 6

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6084 Mar 12, 2013
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'

Johnny: I is..

Teacher: No, that's not correct Johnny. You should always say,'I am.'

Johnny: Okay,'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

“Raising hell since 1989”

Level 6

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6085 Mar 12, 2013
Little Johnny: "What's The difference between theoretically and realistically?"
Dad: "It's hard to explain. I tell you what, ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for a million quid and come and tell me what she says."
A couple minutes later,
Little Johnny: "She said,'yes'."
Dad: "Now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the coal man for 2 million?"
A couple minutes later,
Little Johnny: "She said,'yes'."
Dad: "That's your answer son. Theoretically we are sitting on 3M, but realistically we are just living with 2 slags."

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#6086 Mar 12, 2013
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6087 Mar 13, 2013
I read that Polish Cardinal Oskar Sikola has withdrawn from the running to be the next pope, saying the Church isn't ready for a Pope Sikola.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6088 Mar 13, 2013
My buddy says he's a sexual atheist because he doesn't believe he'll ever get laid.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6089 Mar 13, 2013
Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, but changed his name after the pressure got to him.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6090 Mar 13, 2013
Being drunk and horny is like transforming into the Incredible Hulk.

You'll hit anything and when you turn back to normal you wish you hadn't.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6091 Mar 13, 2013
My motto is "Never Apologize. Never Explain."

I'm sorry, but I've always believed that. That's just the way it is.

“"*" Always Thinking "*"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#6092 Mar 14, 2013
Hoof Arted you'll like this one:

Welfare Children

"You've just had your twelvth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Phil"

"But you named the last eleven phil"

"Yeah its great. I say phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."

Was 'i' right?
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6093 Mar 14, 2013
A farmers wife was sitting at the kitchen table when her husband the farmer walks in with a sheep in his arms.. The farmer says "see? Here's the pig i been telling you that I have been fucking " the wife then replys " that's a sheep not a pig silly. The farmer then says " shut up bitch i wasn't even talking to you!!! "

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6094 Mar 14, 2013
Hoosier Hillbilly wrote:
Hoof Arted you'll like this one:
Welfare Children
"You've just had your twelvth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?"
"Phil"
"But you named the last eleven phil"
"Yeah its great. I say phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner."
"But what if you only want one of them?"
"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."
Was 'i' right?
Yes, you were.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6095 Mar 14, 2013
What's green and smells like pork?

Sausages from Walmart.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6096 Mar 14, 2013
"I don't care how hard it's raining," my wife said. "I'm not picking you up. You'll just have to wait for the bus."

"You no good, low down ..." I started to yell as she rolled the window up and drove off.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Weird Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
True False Game (Jun '11) 22 min Faerydust 15,901
Last Post Wins! (Aug '08) 31 min Faerydust 150,569
Word Association (Jun '10) 37 min Faerydust 32,736
3 Word Advice (Good or Bad) (Dec '14) 41 min Faerydust 6,358
What song are you listening to right now? (Apr '08) 1 hr -feelingSOblue- 225,301
6 letter word ...change one letter game (Oct '15) 2 hr whatimeisit 526
A to Z songs by title or group! (Dec '16) 2 hr wichita-rick 2,335
Denny Crain's Place (May '10) 4 hr Shananana 30,821
More from around the web