Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6054 Mar 8, 2013
For a change of pace we ordered a Greek Pizza last weekend. Disappointment. Turned out to be a plain base with "IOU" squirted in tomato sauce.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6055 Mar 8, 2013
My wife had been hinting that she'd like a Kiefer Sutherland DVD for her birthday, so I got her Season One of "Touch."

"I wanted 24," she complained.

Well, it cost a small fortune but I managed to get hold of another 23 copies.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6056 Mar 8, 2013
Driving down the highway, the wife saw a cow in a field and said "Look at that cow. It's pretty ugly."

"That's an oxymoron," I laughed.

"YOU'RE the moron. It's a COW!"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6057 Mar 8, 2013
In The News: "The search for the Pope has begun"

Sounds like a fascinating police headline.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6058 Mar 9, 2013
A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips. After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like "I see" or "I understand" or "Yes, my child. Go on".

The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.

"You've done well," said the older man. "Isn't that much better than slapping your knee and yelling "No way! Then what happened?"

“*=* Always Thinking *=*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#6059 Mar 9, 2013
'i' guess considering yours above me 'i' can tell this one - haven't come across any 'good ones'.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

“*=* Always Thinking *=*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#6060 Mar 9, 2013
I guess this'n somthn like u'd come up with:

AGONY OF AGING

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You dumb shit!- You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6061 Mar 9, 2013
Daylight Saving Time was the only saving I had left.

“R U gonna go my way”

Since: Mar 13

Born to raise Hell, USA

#6062 Mar 9, 2013
What 's the difference between an
oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer ?
The taste .

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6063 Mar 9, 2013
It bears repeating: The inventor of the rectal thermometer must have been a pretty persuasive salesman.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6064 Mar 9, 2013
A farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again. "You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!" "I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6065 Mar 10, 2013
My buddy tried to get a job as a tree surgeon, but there aren't any branches in our area.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6066 Mar 10, 2013
The wife and I stayed in a hotel over the weekend and noticed some cords with handles on the ends hanging from the ceiling in different parts of the room. Curious, I phoned the front desk and asked what they were for.

"They're alarms," she said, "in case some disabled people come in."

"Jeez!" I thought. "How dangerous are the disabled people around here?"
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6067 Mar 10, 2013
A farmer steps behind the barn one day and finds his son jerking off. "Son save it for marriage." he says. Five years later on his wedding day the son turns to his father and says "Paw, I've got five gallons, now what?"

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#6068 Mar 11, 2013
INVENTIONS BY IDIOTS

1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6072 Mar 11, 2013
Little Johnny is told to write an essay about his daily routine. Next day, he has to read it out in front of the class:

"My Sex Life

I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning to feed the chickens and drive the cows out onto the meadow. Then I make a full breakfast for my grandparents and coffee and toast for my mother before I go to school. After school, I have to clean out the pig pen and chop firewood before I do my homework. Sometimes I help my dad out in the fields, hoeing weeds and moving big rocks out of the way. Before going to bed, I have to do all the washing up and polish the kitchen floor. That's my daily routine."

"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher, "but why did you use that strange title?"

"Well," says Johnny, "I couldn't write 'My F***ing Life,' could I?"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6073 Mar 11, 2013
Knock-Knock jokes are a lot of fun. Especially at a seance.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6074 Mar 11, 2013
A young man walked into the doctor's office and noticed there was only one person in the waiting room. After sitting down, the young man asked the other "W-w-wh-why are y-y-you h-h-here?"

"I have a prostate problem," the other man said.

"W-w-wh-wh-what's a p-p-pr-pr-prost-prostate p-p-p-roblem?"

"It means I pee like you talk."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6075 Mar 11, 2013
Of all the Pharaohs, the most disapproving was King Tut.

“R U gonna go my way”

Since: Mar 13

Born to raise Hell, USA

#6076 Mar 12, 2013
The Shit List
1. Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel shit come out but there is no shit
in the toilet.
2. Clean Shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it, but there is
nothing on the toilet paper.
3. Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt at least 90 times and it
feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
and your underwear so you won't ruin your pants.
4. Second Wave Shit: It happens when you're done shitting and you've
pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit
some more.
5. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Head Shit: The kind where you strain so much to get
the shit out you practically have a stroke.
6. Richard Simmons Shit: You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
7. Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of shit that is so huge that you are afraid
to flush the toilet without breaking it into little pieces with the
toilet brush.
8. Gassy Shit: It's noisy; everyone within earshot is giggling.
9. Drinker Shit: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night
of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the
bottom of the toilet.
10. Corn Shit: Self-explanatory.
11. Gee I Wish I Could Shit Shit: It's the kind where you want to shit but
all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times.
12. Spinal Tap Shit: That's where it hurts so bad coming out you'd swear it
was leaving sideways.
13. Wet Cheeks Shit (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your rear
end so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.
14. Liquid Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.
15. Mexican Food Shit: It smells so bad the room must be condemned.
16. Upperclass Shit: The kind of shit that doesn't smell.
17. Fisherman's Bobber Shit: That's the kind where you are in a public
restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall; you shit and
flush two times but several golf ball size pieces are still floating
above the water line.
18. Ambush Shit: This kind never occurs at home but usually at a party or
while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart just a
little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for
the rest of the day.
19. Santa Clause Shit: A shit that is so big, you have no idea how it made
it down the drain after flushing.
20. Stalactite Shit: A shit that gets stuck and hangs from your butt for a moment.
21. Deja Vu Shit: When you could swear you've taken the exact same shit before.
22. Five Alarm Shit: Your asshole burns so bad you think it's on fire.
Usually after eating really spicy chili or other spicy food.
23. False Alarm Shit: After a really big fart you think you might have
shit yourself, but you didn't.
24. Titanic Shit: The tip of the shit is visible above the water line.
25. Rainbow Shit: The kind of shit that is at least 7 different colors.
26. Gangster Shit: A shit that sounds like an automatic weapon is being
fired in the toilet.
27. Gold Medal Shit: A shit you work so hard to get out that you just have to
tell a friend about it.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Weird Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Texas waiter fired after racist remarks show up... 3 min Spotted Girl 27
News Evolution vs. Creation (Jul '11) 3 min Blitzking 164,728
News Artist Covers Fla. Home in Aluminum Foil 4 min Magic Utah Uwear 4
News See What Gym Class Was Like 50 Years Ago 11 min Dazzle Large 32
What song are you listening to right now? (Apr '08) 13 min Wolftracks 163,254
News Charges: St. Paul Teacher Touched Student Inapp... 18 min cowboy chris 1
Just start naming actors and actresses (Sep '11) 18 min Mega Monster 2,412
El's Kitchen (Feb '09) 27 min TALLYHO 8541 40,832
News 'John Wayne Day' in Texas Honors Actor's 108th ... 28 min TALLYHO 8541 112
2015: "Make a Story/ 6 Words Only: 1 hr Hoosier Hillbilly 729
Do you have a Topix crush? (Jun '11) 1 hr Ferretman 8,301
More from around the web