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#6052
Mar 8, 2013
 
Marriage is a lot like a contract on a cell phone.

You fall in love at first sight, very happy and proud of what you have and want to show it off to everyone. Yet, despite you knowing that it's "the one," time passes. You find flaws in your phone. It developes faults.

You start noticing other people with new cell phones that do things that yours can't (or won't) do. You start to get curious and start looking at other phones. Then you want to leave yours and get different one, but it costs too much to get out of your contract with the old one.

You eventually decide that the price is worth it and make the switch. Sadly, just like every other phone you've ever had, the new one starts developing issues, too, and next thing you know you're back at square one.

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#6053
Mar 8, 2013
 

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I was pushing my elderly mother-in-law through the grocery store and she suddenly said "Do you see Tom Jones over there? I remember when I threw my panties at him."

I looked up and was surprised to see Tom Jones was, in fact, walking towards us.

"Hey Tom," I said. "Ma said she remembers when she threw her panties at you."

"Was that her?" he laughed. "It was just now, back by the milk and eggs. Does she want them back?"

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#6054
Mar 8, 2013
 
For a change of pace we ordered a Greek Pizza last weekend. Disappointment. Turned out to be a plain base with "IOU" squirted in tomato sauce.

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#6055
Mar 8, 2013
 

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My wife had been hinting that she'd like a Kiefer Sutherland DVD for her birthday, so I got her Season One of "Touch."

"I wanted 24," she complained.

Well, it cost a small fortune but I managed to get hold of another 23 copies.

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#6056
Mar 8, 2013
 

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Driving down the highway, the wife saw a cow in a field and said "Look at that cow. It's pretty ugly."

"That's an oxymoron," I laughed.

"YOU'RE the moron. It's a COW!"

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#6057
Mar 8, 2013
 

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In The News: "The search for the Pope has begun"

Sounds like a fascinating police headline.

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#6058
Mar 9, 2013
 

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A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips. After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like "I see" or "I understand" or "Yes, my child. Go on".

The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.

"You've done well," said the older man. "Isn't that much better than slapping your knee and yelling "No way! Then what happened?"

“"Always Thinking"”

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Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

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#6059
Mar 9, 2013
 
'i' guess considering yours above me 'i' can tell this one - haven't come across any 'good ones'.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

“"Always Thinking"”

Level 8

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Greensburg, IN

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#6060
Mar 9, 2013
 
I guess this'n somthn like u'd come up with:

AGONY OF AGING

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You dumb shit!- You're supposed to turn your clock back".

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#6061
Mar 9, 2013
 
Daylight Saving Time was the only saving I had left.

“R U gonna go my way”

Since: Mar 13

Born to raise Hell, USA

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#6062
Mar 9, 2013
 
What 's the difference between an
oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer ?
The taste .

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#6063
Mar 9, 2013
 
It bears repeating: The inventor of the rectal thermometer must have been a pretty persuasive salesman.
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6064
Mar 9, 2013
 

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A farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again. "You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!" "I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes

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#6065
Mar 10, 2013
 

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My buddy tried to get a job as a tree surgeon, but there aren't any branches in our area.

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#6066
Mar 10, 2013
 

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The wife and I stayed in a hotel over the weekend and noticed some cords with handles on the ends hanging from the ceiling in different parts of the room. Curious, I phoned the front desk and asked what they were for.

"They're alarms," she said, "in case some disabled people come in."

"Jeez!" I thought. "How dangerous are the disabled people around here?"
joke

Owensboro, KY

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#6067
Mar 10, 2013
 

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A farmer steps behind the barn one day and finds his son jerking off. "Son save it for marriage." he says. Five years later on his wedding day the son turns to his father and says "Paw, I've got five gallons, now what?"

“Colleges Search Engine ”

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www.schoolanduniversity.com

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#6068
Mar 11, 2013
 

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INVENTIONS BY IDIOTS

1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.

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#6072
Mar 11, 2013
 
Little Johnny is told to write an essay about his daily routine. Next day, he has to read it out in front of the class:

"My Sex Life

I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning to feed the chickens and drive the cows out onto the meadow. Then I make a full breakfast for my grandparents and coffee and toast for my mother before I go to school. After school, I have to clean out the pig pen and chop firewood before I do my homework. Sometimes I help my dad out in the fields, hoeing weeds and moving big rocks out of the way. Before going to bed, I have to do all the washing up and polish the kitchen floor. That's my daily routine."

"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher, "but why did you use that strange title?"

"Well," says Johnny, "I couldn't write 'My F***ing Life,' could I?"

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#6073
Mar 11, 2013
 

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Knock-Knock jokes are a lot of fun. Especially at a seance.

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#6074
Mar 11, 2013
 

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A young man walked into the doctor's office and noticed there was only one person in the waiting room. After sitting down, the young man asked the other "W-w-wh-why are y-y-you h-h-here?"

"I have a prostate problem," the other man said.

"W-w-wh-wh-what's a p-p-pr-pr-prost-prostate p-p-p-roblem?"

"It means I pee like you talk."

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