Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6034 Mar 2, 2013
I don't know why people are so upset about Burger King putting horse meat in their hamburgers.

That's the same company that has been palming off melted ice cream as milkshakes for years.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6035 Mar 2, 2013
After brushing my teeth I rinse with 'Cool Aqua Mouthwash.'

Or as my wife calls it,'sticking your mouth under the water faucet.'

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6036 Mar 2, 2013
My buddy got a letter from the IRS saying he owed them back taxes.

Is there nothing those bastards won't tax us for?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6037 Mar 2, 2013
My nephew said that his wife's birth control pills also prevent acne. That's ironic because when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6038 Mar 3, 2013
If you watch the movie Die Hard backwards it's about a bunch of terrorists helping a cop repair a skyscraper just in time for a Christmas party.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6039 Mar 6, 2013
My neighbor has a flower that glows in the dark.

He says it's a nuclear plant.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6040 Mar 6, 2013
Has this thread run it's course?

Y U NO TELL FUNNY JOKES?

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6041 Mar 6, 2013
The Pastor gave an altar call to homosexuals and pathological liars. One man responded and very quickly said, "I am here for the lying part, no really, I am!"

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6042 Mar 6, 2013
Most of my humor is situational. Like when women "accidently" lay their boob on my arm, and say oopsie and we all laugh. But when I accidently lay my pen_is on her arm, its a lawsuit.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6043 Mar 6, 2013
An attractive young woman was sitting alone at a bar. "Excuse me, may I buy you a drink?" asked a young man. "To a motel?" she yelled. "No, no. You misunderstood. I just asked if I could buy you a drink." "You're asking me to go to a motel?" she screamed, even more excited. Completely bewildered, the young man withdrew to a corner. Everybody stared at him indignantly. A little later, the young woman came to his table. "I'm sorry to have created such a scene," she said. "But I'm a psychology student studying human behavior in unexpected situations." The young man looked at her and shouted, "What? A hundred dollars?"

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

#6044 Mar 7, 2013
A Congressional aide asks the politician: "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"

The politician's reply: "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#6045 Mar 7, 2013
Do you know why Clinton never got involved with the Elian Gonzales case?

Look what happened when he DID tell someone what to do with a Cuban.

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#6046 Mar 7, 2013
What do the letters in "wife" stand for?

Washing, ironing, f**king, etcetera.
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6047 Mar 7, 2013
Children's Books That Didn't Quite Make It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3. Dad's New Wife, Robert 4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9. All Cats Go to Hell 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11. Some Kittens Can Fly 12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6048 Mar 7, 2013
My buddy thinks his girlfriend Becky's nickname, Oral B, is because she is a dental hygienist.

But it isn't.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6049 Mar 7, 2013
In the court room, the Judge look directly in my eyes and said "In all my years on the bench, I can honestly say that I have never had to deal with a more loathsome individual than you. You are a habitual liar who thinks nothing of taking advantage of weaker individuals to satisfy your own perverted needs, paying no heed to the damaged and ruined lives you leave in your wake.You are truly a reprehensible person and you have absolutely no redeeming social values whatsoever."

He then looked at my client and said "You, sir, have chosen your defense counsel well."
joke

Owensboro, KY

#6050 Mar 7, 2013
Bubba needed a new hinge for the door he was fixing, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot and asked how much it cost. The manager, Joe Bob, replied, "That's real silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it. From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot.

“The O.C.C”

Since: Mar 13

Location hidden

#6051 Mar 7, 2013
1. Nike Condoms: Just do it.
2. Toyota Condoms: Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more?
3. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
4. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
5. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
6. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
7. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
8. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Point and Shoot!
9. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Have you Driven a Ford Lately?
10. Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
11. Jeep-Eagle Condom: There's Only One Jeep (sold in singles only)
12. The Saturn Condom: A *Different* Kind of Condom
13. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish
everybody did?
14. NY Lotto Condoms:'Cause, hey -- you never know.
15. Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
16. EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
17. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
18. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
19. Diet Coke Condom: Just for the taste of it.
20. Lays Condom: Betcha can't have just one.
21. Bud-Lite Condom: Where's the Love Man!
22. Honda Motorcycle Condom: Come Ride With Us
23. SEVEN-UP Condom: The UN-Condom
24. Iomega Condom: For All Your Stuff
25. Microsoft Condom: Where do you want to go today? We are universally
compatible.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6052 Mar 8, 2013
Marriage is a lot like a contract on a cell phone.

You fall in love at first sight, very happy and proud of what you have and want to show it off to everyone. Yet, despite you knowing that it's "the one," time passes. You find flaws in your phone. It developes faults.

You start noticing other people with new cell phones that do things that yours can't (or won't) do. You start to get curious and start looking at other phones. Then you want to leave yours and get different one, but it costs too much to get out of your contract with the old one.

You eventually decide that the price is worth it and make the switch. Sadly, just like every other phone you've ever had, the new one starts developing issues, too, and next thing you know you're back at square one.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#6053 Mar 8, 2013
I was pushing my elderly mother-in-law through the grocery store and she suddenly said "Do you see Tom Jones over there? I remember when I threw my panties at him."

I looked up and was surprised to see Tom Jones was, in fact, walking towards us.

"Hey Tom," I said. "Ma said she remembers when she threw her panties at you."

"Was that her?" he laughed. "It was just now, back by the milk and eggs. Does she want them back?"

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