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5,761 - 5,780 of 7,015 Comments Last updated May 25, 2014

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#5990
Feb 10, 2013
 

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An odd looking fish, thought to be extinct for over a million years, was found washed up on a beach near California.

Now it's been extinct for two days.

“Colleges Search Engine ”

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Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

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#5991
Feb 11, 2013
 
A grey goose walks into a bar and says" I'd like a scotch on the rocks." The bartender looks at the goose funny, but goes to get him his drink anyway. The bartender continues to look at the goose so the goose asks, " Hey, what's your deal? Why do you keep looking at me like that?" The bartender says, "Besides the fact that you are a talking goose? Well I actually have a drink named after you? The grey goose replies, "You have a drink named Ron?

“Colleges Search Engine ”

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Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

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#5992
Feb 11, 2013
 
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

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#5993
Feb 11, 2013
 
Bill went to a party and was having a real blast. After he'd been there a couple of hours (and several, several drinks) he noticed a fabulous woman standing off to one side. She was in her early 20's with beautiful blond hair and was built like a brick.... well, she was very well built. The amazing thing was she kept staring at Bill and smiling! Naturally, Bill being a man, he figured "nothing ventured, nothing gained", so he decided to talk with her and see what happened.

He went over and struck up a conversation with her. Didn't remember what it was about, but he knew it had to have been interesting. One thing led to another, and next thing he knew she was inviting him back to her place. Bill, being a true gentleman, said "Sure!"

He refused to go into great detail of the night, mainly because he didn't remember, but when he woke the next morning to the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying. He thought to himself "Hey, I just might have a keeper here."

He got up, got dressed, and went into the kitchen. When he got there he saw her mom at the stove. She looked like she was in her 70's or 80's.

Embarassed, he stammered "Where's your daughter?"

She slowly turned around and, with a little smile, said "I don't have a daughter, Stud."

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#5994
Feb 14, 2013
 

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As my wife was leaving for work I asked if she'd like a quickie before she left. She said she was in too big a hurry and couldn't spare thirty seconds.

"Right," I thought. "Like I'd want to do it twice."
danclark

Silver Spring, MD

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#5996
Feb 14, 2013
 
What does a lawyer wear going to court? A lawsuit
(

“Gone Fishin', bye!”

Level 9

Since: Jul 11

.......¿.......

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#5997
Feb 15, 2013
 

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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That w as incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
danclark

Bronx, NY

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#5998
Feb 15, 2013
 
Come into my website said the spider to the fly.

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#5999
Feb 15, 2013
 
If God wanted men to make eye contact with women, he would have put women's eyeballs on their breasts.

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#6000
Feb 15, 2013
 
I've been wanting to buy a new World Atlas for this year, but can't fine one anywhere.

Apparently the printers are waiting to see if they need to include North Korea.

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#6001
Feb 15, 2013
 
A sailor came into the bar last weekend and asked for a glass of salt water.

"Whatever floats your boat," the barkeep said.

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#6002
Feb 18, 2013
 
A Rerun.........
.
.
.
.
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.

To: All Male Taxpayers

RE: Notice of increase of tax payment Form 1040 - P

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting this tax year, your penis will be taxed according to size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line
3, on the Standard Form 1040.

10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00

Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

Please do not ask for an extension!

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#6003
Feb 18, 2013
 
A fight kicked off at a local bar last night and I tried to break it up. Before I knew it, I was grabbed from behind and marched to the door. "Get off me!" I yelled. I was so embarrassed when I was thrown out onto the street.

That's when I thought to myself "Maybe I'm not cut out to be a bouncer."
danclark

Belleville, NJ

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#6004
Feb 18, 2013
 
A criminal running from police finds an abandoned house to hide in. Police seen him go in. They surround the house and yell to him "Are you armed!". The criminal looks at himself then replies "Yeah-left and right arms".

“Raising hell since 1989”

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Since: Jul 12

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#6005
Feb 18, 2013
 
Man takes the blow up doll he's just bought back to the shop and complains that when he blew it up it had pout lips, no tits, an ugly veiny penis and that he ordered a sexy lady doll.

The man behind the counter took one look at the doll and said, "You silly bugger"... It's inside out!"

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#6006
Feb 20, 2013
 
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

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#6007
Feb 20, 2013
 

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The Jewish ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There
is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the
elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get
out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow?.........

"What.......You coming empty handed?"

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#6008
Feb 20, 2013
 

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Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their hand guns down through the
family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan' you lissin ame. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated..38 revolver so
you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns..how about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"

"You lissin ame, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lots a money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
anotherr man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Point at you watch and say,'times up'"?

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#6009
Feb 21, 2013
 

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IN THE NEWS: "PETA announce their opposition to the term 'pet', preferring 'animal companion'."

People who get upset over word defintions is a animal companion peeve of mine.

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#6010
Feb 21, 2013
 

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Here's one for those who speak Spanish:

Uno.

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