Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5972 Feb 5, 2013
"You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?" always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
Level 6

Since: Dec 12

Yes, I'm an Atheist.

#5973 Feb 6, 2013
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. “That’s total bollocks” I replied, by text, from across the road.

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

#5974 Feb 7, 2013
Bush and Dick: Put 'em together and you're screwed.

“Raising hell since 1989”

Level 6

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5975 Feb 7, 2013
My life!!
Level 6

Since: Dec 12

Yes, I'm an Atheist.

#5976 Feb 7, 2013
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding driver, a Highway Patrolman sees a car puttering along at 22mph. He says to himself "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedstar".

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies- two in the front seats and three in the back- wide eyes and white as ghosts.
The driver obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma;am" the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No Sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour." The old woman says proudly.

The Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am I have to ask.. is everyone is this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
danclark

Paterson, NJ

#5977 Feb 8, 2013
What does a mime earn? Mime-imum wage. I have a friend that works at a funeral home. He's so dead-icated to the job.1693

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5978 Feb 8, 2013
I hear there is a new drink out called the Sandy. It's a watered down Manhattan.

(too soon?)

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5979 Feb 8, 2013
I went to have my annual physical. As the doctor was listening to my heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" I asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," I replied.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." I replied.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Well, yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

"Which half, the LOOKING or the THINKING?"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5980 Feb 8, 2013
I would have to say that the world's most useless superhero would have to be X-Ray Man; the hero with the power of X-ray vision.

Concerned citizen: "He's getting away!"

X-Ray Man: "Yes, I can see that...."
Anonymous

Brisbane, Australia

#5981 Feb 8, 2013
The Irish Bic Lighter


Bob and Ralph were fishing on the
Irish shoreline when Bob
Pulled out a cigar. Finding he had
No matches,he asked Ralph for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'

Ralph replied with an Irish
Accent, and then reaching into his tackle
Box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob,taking
The huge Bic Lighter in his hands.

'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Ralph,


'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Bob asked.

'Ya, shure. The Magic Lamp is right here

in my tackle Box,' says Ralph.

'Could I see him?'

Ralph opens his tackle box and

Rubs the lamp..........



Sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie,Bob says,


'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of Your master.

Will you grant me One wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a Million bucks.

The Genie disappears Back into the Lamp

Inside the tackle box leaving
Bob sitting there waiting for his million Bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with

The sound of a million ducks..... Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks
Bob yells at Ralph,

'What the hell? I asked for a million Bucks,

Not a million fecking ducks!'

Ralph answers,

'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie Is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'









“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

#5982 Feb 9, 2013
Way to Freak Out Your Roommate:

Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter,''Soon, soon....''

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5983 Feb 9, 2013
If the President has such a "great package to stimulate growth," why does Michelle look so frustrated?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5984 Feb 9, 2013
Yesterday I had a ham sandwich for lunch, got struck in traffic on the way home from work, and posted a couple of jokes here today.

If Facebook has taught me anything, it's taught me that everyone wants to read about stuff like that.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5985 Feb 9, 2013
My wife bought me a mystery novel and said I'd never figure out "whodunit."

Well, it says right on the cover.... John Grisham.

Women. How dumb can they be?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5986 Feb 9, 2013
My wife suggested I get contact lenses, but I don't think I will because my face looks real blurry without my glasses on.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5987 Feb 9, 2013
"Oh my God," my date said as I slipped my pants off. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"What is?" I asked as I turned around to face her.
Level 6

Since: Dec 12

Yes, I'm an Atheist.

#5988 Feb 10, 2013
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5989 Feb 10, 2013
The wife and I are very unlucky. Every time we go Bigfoot hunting, the sightings of the creature rises dramatically, but we never see a thing.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5990 Feb 10, 2013
An odd looking fish, thought to be extinct for over a million years, was found washed up on a beach near California.

Now it's been extinct for two days.

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#5991 Feb 11, 2013
A grey goose walks into a bar and says" I'd like a scotch on the rocks." The bartender looks at the goose funny, but goes to get him his drink anyway. The bartender continues to look at the goose so the goose asks, " Hey, what's your deal? Why do you keep looking at me like that?" The bartender says, "Besides the fact that you are a talking goose? Well I actually have a drink named after you? The grey goose replies, "You have a drink named Ron?

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