“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

#5927 Jan 26, 2013
A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon's house. After a 2-minute job, he demanded $75.
"I don't charge this amount even though I'm a surgeon."
"You're right -- that's why I switched from surgery to plumbing!"

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

#5928 Jan 26, 2013
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,“You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
dognz

Rochester, PA

#5929 Jan 26, 2013
Big Girl With Yeast Infection
Previous Next

Q: What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?

A: A whopper with cheese.

“The..”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

"..who whating how with huh?"

#5931 Jan 26, 2013
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5932 Jan 26, 2013
During his vacation in New York City, my buddy was mugged. The cop asked if he could describe his attacker, and my buddy said "Yes. He was small, about 4 foot tall. He's a hunchbacked albino, with one eyes stitched closed and he had a hook on one hand. He had a Hitler mustache, his forehead was covered with big, hairy warts, and he was missing big patches of hair. Oh, and he had a big scar that ran from his right ear down towards his adam's apple."

And the cop says "Do you think you would recognize him if you saw him again?"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5933 Jan 26, 2013
The people I know who are all upset that Beyonce lip-synched her song at the president's inaguration are the same people who were fine with her naming her baby Blue Ivy.

“The..”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

"..who whating how with huh?"

#5934 Jan 26, 2013
Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them.
Patient: Oh, thank you very much.
Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.

“T.H.I.N.K. Before you Speak”

Level 8

Since: Sep 08

With My Wife and Family

#5935 Jan 26, 2013
Me trying to get my points on a broken down pc.......

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5936 Jan 27, 2013
I was at the grocery store getting some things for the NFL playoff games and saw a sign offering "12 bottles of beer, 25% less today only."

Needless to say, I grabbed a box, but was upset when I got home and found only 9 bottles.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5937 Jan 27, 2013
I got home from work yesterday and the wife had lit candles on the table with some good wine, my favorite meal and a wrapped gift on my chair.

"I love you so much, hon," she said. "Merry Christmas!"

"You're kind of late, aren't you?" I asked.

"Funny you should say that," she started........

“The..”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

"..who whating how with huh?"

#5938 Jan 27, 2013
Lol Mrs W :)

Me trying to get a crown using my phone.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5940 Jan 28, 2013
Guide:“I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world’s largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing overhead can’t be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Falls?"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5941 Jan 28, 2013
Words I want to hear after sex:

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5942 Jan 28, 2013
While riding on a city bus, my buddy asked why they have stop buttons in Braille.

"For blind people," I said.

"But how do they see where their stop is?"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5943 Jan 28, 2013
I called the tax office earlier and the guy asked me to hold the line for a few minutes. When he finally came back to the phone, I had to congratulate him. I was really impressed... he could play piano like Elton John.

“'" Always Thinking '"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5944 Jan 28, 2013
Obama suggested that he, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi are more willing than Republican leaders "to buck the more absolutist-wing elements in our party to try to get stuff done."

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2013/01/28/co...

“I call it as I see it.”

Level 8

Since: Jul 09

Retirement City

#5945 Jan 28, 2013
Notice in a church bulletin:

Church Supper 5:30 PM

Healing service 7:00PM
Joke

United States

#5946 Jan 28, 2013
flbadcatowner wrote:
Notice in a church bulletin:
Church Supper 5:30 PM
Healing service 7:00PM
^^^ Punchline ^^^

“The..”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

"..who whating how with huh?"

#5947 Jan 28, 2013
Find out which bad habits The Cat will be breaking this year with her list of funny New Year’s resolutions.
1. I will no longer sleep on my owner's head throughout the night, in hopes that she will get up to feed me at awful hours, such as 3 a.m. I will patiently wait at the bottom of the bed, on the blanket she has so thoughtfully placed there, until she wakes up at a decent time.
2. I will refrain from pestering my owner when she is writing on the computer, reading the newspaper, or playing the keyboard. I apologize for my bad habit of sitting in front of the monitor, laying in the middle of whatever she is reading, and hopping on the keyboard keys as she is playing the keyboard. I will sit patiently by her feet and wait for her attention.
3. I will wait for my bathroom and outdoor breaks when it is convenient for my owner. There will be no more wanting out during a romantic moment or when she is in the shower. I will wait for her to let me out.
4. I will try to refrain from visiting my owner while she is in the bathtub. I am aware that I have a bad habit of sitting on the ledge of the tub, and looking gorgeous. I was not aware that this distracts my owner from her relaxing bubble bath, because she is afraid I will either knock the candle over or end up in the bathtub with her.
5. I will no longer hitch a ride to the grocery store with my owner. Although I love to ride in cars, I know it is distracting to have to turn the car around to take me back home.
6. Dry cat food is both tasty and nutritious, and it is always available. I will not starve myself and act pitiful all day long in anticipation of the canned food.
7. And finally, I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my owner’s bed while she is attempting to sleep.

“The..”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

"..who whating how with huh?"

#5949 Jan 29, 2013
Me missus bought a paperback
Down town on Saturday,
I had a peep into her bag;
'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

Her left hand held a length of rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down onto the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet
A cuppla minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You would see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.

She stood there nude, just naked like,
Bent forward just a bit ….
I took a pace to brace meself
And stood on her left tit!

Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I won't tell no more
What happened on that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned “fifty shades of grey”.

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