Since: Dec 12
#5905 Jan 23, 2013
John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counselling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!" John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
#5906 Jan 24, 2013
A MEXICAN WEDDING
Pedro and Maria got married.
Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak,
But Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon.
So, that night they retired to his little shack.
When Pedro was undressing Maria said,
'Oh Pedro, what is that?'
Pedro being very quick thinking said,
'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.'
And, then, he proceeded to
show her what it was for,......... and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual.
When he returned home that evening,
Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
'Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those,
And I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed,
And he had one, too.'
Thinking fast, Pedro said,
'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend.
I had two of them so I gave him one.
He is the only other man in the world with one of those.'
Marie being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning;
And, when he returned home,
Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said,'Maria, what is the matter now?'
'Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!'
#5907 Jan 24, 2013
Whatís Up, Slick?
Thatís slicker than greased goose shit.
Thatís slicker than snot on a doorknob.
Slicker than a minnowís dick.
Slicker than two eels fuckiní in a bucket of snot.
Slick as snot on a goatís glass eye.
This old truck wouldnít pull a slick prick out of a lard bucket.
Slicker than otter snot.
As slick as cat shit on linoleum.
Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a bananna tree.
That's slicker than snot and smashed bananas.
You canít have chicken salad without the chicken shit.
Itís drier than a popcorn fart.
I hate his stomach for carrying his guts.
I don't playóI quit school ícause of recess.
I was so nervous I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.
She was battin' her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.
You walk slower then turtles in molasses fucking.
His pants were so tight if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off.
Well, I'd smack the fire out of 'em if they acted that way around me.
That's worthless as chicken crap on the pump handle.
It's hotter than a billygoat with a blowtorch.
Heavier than a dead preacher.
Ain't gotta pot to piss in let alone a window to throw it out.
Ain't no hill, for a stepper.
I'm up to my ass in alligators.
He didn't know who's weeds he was pissing in.
Funnier than a retard eatin hotwings.
That's so hard to do it'd be like trying to put butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker!
She has two speeds. Slow and stop.
That boy is so ugly he couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds.
That girl is like a doornob...everyone gets a turn.
That boy is as queer as a 3 dollar bill.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust if it wasn't for women our peckers would rust.
He looks greener than goard guts.
I'd fight tigers in the dark with a switch for him.
I'd rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than ...
He's the biggest liar who ever shit behind shoeleather.
He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.
He's as nellie as pink ink.
That smells like the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.
It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.
That would gag a maggot on a gut wagon.
It was hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve.
Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.
That girls jeans are tight enough to see Lincoln smiling on the penny in her pocket.
Let's make like a turd and hit the trail.
If you don't use your head, you might as well have two asses.
Since: Dec 12
#5908 Jan 24, 2013
"Mom," says little Johnny, "Sharon and Dave were fighting an eel last night."
"What do you mean?" asks his mum thinking he must have had a dream about
his big sister and her boyfriend.
"Well," says Johnny, "I was sneaking down to the fridge last night when I
saw them. They were hugging with most of the lights off when Sharon's face
started to go a bit funny.
Dave must have known this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart. It took him a long time to find it and by this time he was sick too because he looked hot and his face was funny. His other hand was getting cold, I know that because he put it up her skirt.
Then I saw what was making them sick. This big eel had got into Dave's jeans. I know it worried them because when it sprang out, Sharon sat back on the
couch and said,'Oh bloody hell, it's huge.'
Dave grabbed her hair and she tried to bite its head off but soon she made a noise and let it go. It must have bitten her back. Sharon grabbed it tight and held it with both hands and Dave got something out of his pocket. I couldn't see that bit too well but it looked like he was trying to tie it up.
They had a go at killing it but the eel put up a hell of a fight. Sharon got her legs around it, better than world wrestling that grip she had, and Dave was bouncing up and down on top trying
to crush it. They were really getting a good sweat on and moaning and stuff.
In the end, Dave gave his huge grunt and it all stopped.
The eel was lying there when he rolled off. Sharon must have been scared by this because Dave had to cuddle and kiss her a bit to bring her round. He felt for her heart again to check she was alright but just when she'd started to mumble a bit, damned me if that eel didn't stand up again.
The eel didn't seem to have as much energy but it didn't half struggle and in
the end Sharon did Dave's job.
She sat on it and bounced up and down for about half an hour, the sweat was rolling off her, and she kept gasping hard for breath and moaning and everything, Dave had to keep checking her heart but he couldn't remember which side of her chest it was and he kept reaching for both sides. It took ages but this time they really did kill the thing.
I know that because right afterwards, Dave skinned it and flushed it away."
#5909 Jan 24, 2013
Duct tape is like "The Force." It has a light side, a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
I'm so hungry, every time I swallow my asshole says thank you.
It's hotter than two hampsters farting in a wool sock.
If i had swing like that i would ride it evey night.
Can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Wal-Mart.
That made my nuts draw up so tight you couldn't reach them with knittin' needles.
It's hotter than the hinges of hell.
I thought we were tighter than midget pussy.
His dick was so hard a cat couldn't scratch it.
More Redneck Sayings..........
That makes my ass want a dip of snuff.
He's a nice enough guy, but I don't think he has enough chlorine in his gene pool.
That makes my ass draw up so tight you couldn't drive a toothpick through it with a sledgehammer.
I wouldn't have that in my ass if I had room for a drilling rig.
I'd rather be in hell with a broken back than (fill in the blank).
I wouldn't pay $50 to see a piss ant pull a freight train.
If he were to give a concert in my backyard, I'd pull the blinds.
It's colder than a nun's c--- on a ski slope.
That's handier than a pocket on a shirt.
Well dip my balls in sweet cream and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens.
I'm bowed up like a Halloween Cat.
She's so ugly when she was a baby her mom fed her with a slingshot
Thatís harder than a choir boy in a porn shop
Instead of sayin hey, save it you might marry an jackass one day!
It's colder than a whore's heart out there.
I'm happier than a punk in a pickle patch.
He's as sad as cucumber.
GO BACK OFF IN YOUR OWN JACK YARD!
Granny cooked enough supper to feed Pharoah's Army.
He couldn't hit the ground if he fell twice!
Busier than a one armed monkey with two peckers.
Madder than a pack of wild dogs on a three legged cat.
I'm so poor I've got to fart to have a cent.(scent)
WELL I BE JOHN BROWN.
Her jeans are so tight, you can see the veins in her ass!
if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his butt when he hops.
Back when men were men and women were proud of it.
You're swingin' like a wash woman.
Cornier than a corn field and half of it's owner's turds.
That fellers so dumb, he don't know sheep shit from cotton seed!
That's lower then quail shit in a wagon rut!
As poor as field mice.
Harder than a ministers prick.
Her behind looks like a couple of squirrels fightin' over an acorn in a gunny sack.
That boy was shaking like a dog shittin' hammer handles.
That truck couldn't pull a spoon out of a cats ASS!
WHEN IT'S RAINING HARD YOU SAY....IT'S COMIN' A TURD FLOATER!
She's got an ass like a ford 9".
He's dumber than two sacks of hair.
Don't let your alligator mouth overload your mockingbird butt.
I have three speeds: on, off, and don't push your luck.
You could give her Heaven and Earth - she'd still want a tater patch in hell.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on your saddle.
That boy ain't the smartest peanut in the turd.
She ain't too purdy, but she can cook like hell.
She's so hot I could jump on her like a rat on a chetto.
Whatever cranks your tractor.
Slicker than shit through a tin horn.
Thatís about as useful as suckiní on a titty through a sweatshirt!
My sister's soooo ugly, my mom had to be drunk to brestfeed her!
I'm so poor if I stepped on worn out dime I'd bet you a nickle I could tell you whether it's heads or tails.
It's Hotter n' hell's basement on the day of reckonin'.
You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a handfull of rice!
He Was As Low As The Ex's Lawyer
Itís hotter than 4 or 5 fat bitches in an Escort
I'd rather have a sister actively serving in a whore house than....
slicker than a bald tire semi on a mile of wet asphalt.
He's slicker then the grease off a b-b-q biscuit.
faster than a bee stung stallion
When I first saw her my eye's bugged out like a stepped on toady frog!
Since: Dec 12
#5911 Jan 24, 2013
Find out why men should not write advice columns, especially when answering relationship questions.
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the lounge watching TV. My car stalled and about a mile from home it broke down, so I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home I could not believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for six months and I'm afraid I'm at my wit's end. Can you please help me?
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all earth leads. If none of these approaches solve the problem it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
Since: Dec 10
#5912 Jan 24, 2013
The AAA recommends anyone travelling in freezing and icy conditions take a shovel, blanket, sleeping bag, extra clothing, scarf, hat, gloves, tow rope, rock salt, flashlight, jumper cables, and a 24 hour of food and drink along with them.
I felt like an idiot as I got on the city bus this morning.
Since: Dec 10
#5913 Jan 24, 2013
I asked my buddy what, if someone appeared from the 1950's, would be the most difficult modern day thing to explain to him.
And he says "Probably something like 'I possess in my pocket a device that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use this device to look at pictures of cats and to get into arguments with total strangers.'"
Since: Dec 10
#5914 Jan 24, 2013
When I was little we were so poor that my bath toys were dirty dishes and silverware.
Since: Dec 10
#5915 Jan 24, 2013
I went to the doctor about my hearing loss. He gave me a small bottle and told me to put two drops in my beer each day.
Here it is, a week later, and I haven't noticed any improvement at all.
#5916 Jan 24, 2013
Yes, there is always someone worse off than you........ Be glad for what you have.
A man lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and Bowls but couldn't play anymore.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge....
.....looking down and suddenly saw this man skipping along,
Whooping it up and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself,
I still have one good arm to do things with.
There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy,
And going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.....
He asked, "Why are you so happy?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy!"
"My fucking balls are itchy!"
Since: Dec 12
#5917 Jan 24, 2013
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
Since: Dec 12
#5918 Jan 25, 2013
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
Since: Dec 10
#5919 Jan 25, 2013
I was eating an ice cream bar while chatting with my sister-in-law online, talking about pictures she has posted of her swimming during a vacation.
"Why are you typing so slow?" she asked.
"Because my other hand is busy," I slowly typed back.
She hasn't replied yet.
Since: Dec 10
#5920 Jan 25, 2013
During a bus trip, my wife asked "Are you comfy?"
"Yes," I said.
"Is the sun in your face?"
"Is the seat soft?"
"Feeling a cold draft?"
"Any shaking or vibration?"
That's when we swapped places.
Since: Dec 10
#5921 Jan 25, 2013
While watching the playoffs the wife said "Would you like some broasted chicken or salmon?"
"Ooooh, broasted chicken sounds great," I said.
And she says "I was talking to the cat."
Since: Dec 10
#5922 Jan 25, 2013
Whenever my wife says "we need to talk" I never get much of a chance to.
Since: Dec 10
#5923 Jan 25, 2013
My buddy broke a leg while ice skating. Luckily, it wasn't his.
Since: May 12
#5924 Jan 25, 2013
One morning on a lake in Wisconsin, a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and starts to read a book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking - isn't that obvious?).
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." She replies
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
The warden replied, "Have a nice day ma'am," and left.
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It is likely she can also think.
Since: Dec 12
#5926 Jan 25, 2013
LMAO! WZ, good one :D
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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