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5,661 - 5,680 of 7,025 Comments Last updated Tuesday Aug 26
60s chic

Bethlehem, PA

#5882 Jan 22, 2013
Lol, nothing so good as a joke with a message.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5883 Jan 22, 2013
I saw a piece of paper sticking up between some floor boards in grandma's sewing room, so I pulled it out. As I pulled I saw the paper looked like a sleeve, and as I pulled further the sleeve was attached to what looked like an upper torso. That, in turn, was attached to another sleeve.

That's when I realized that a pattern was emerging.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5884 Jan 22, 2013
Galahad and Lancealot walk into a boarding house and say "We'd like a room for two knights, please."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5885 Jan 22, 2013
I brought a carton of ice cream home and asked the wife if she wanted some.

"How hard is it," she asked.

"About as hard as my you-know-what," I winked.

"Sounds good," she said. "Pour me a cup."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5886 Jan 22, 2013
Our neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, and my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I did, but now we have dog poop in the yard and the neighbor has our shovel.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5889 Jan 23, 2013
I just got back from a fantastic two week vacation in the great state of Florida. The wife's little sister came along. We were in an excellent hotel, had wonderful weather and the food was awesome. The worst part, of course, was flying back to bitter cold and eight inches of snow.

Oh, and the frosty reception from the wife when she picked us up at the airport.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5890 Jan 23, 2013
As I was doing the newspaper's crossword puzzle the boss walked by my desk and yelled "Get to work!" and I thought "What's she talking about? I AM at work."

Women. How dumb can they be?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5891 Jan 23, 2013
My buddy got to see Glen Campbell in one of his farewell performances. He said Campbell came out and, to thunderous appaluse, said "I'll start off with one of my biggest hits, "Gentle On My Mind."
About four minutes later, he said "Now I'll start off with one of my biggest hits, "Gentle On My Mind."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5892 Jan 23, 2013
Authorities in New England noted that hundreds of crows were found dead on a local highway, and there was great concern they died from Avian Flu. An animal pathologist was brought in and, to everyone's relief, he concluded Avian Flu was not the problem, but he then noted that 98% of the birds had been killed by impact with large trucks while only 2% had been hit by a car. An expensive study was commissioned to determine the cause for that anomaly, and the results were released after two months.

An orthinological behaviorist determined that when crows eat road kill they always have one crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His definitive conclusion was that the lookout crow could yell "cah" but could not say "truck."

“T.H.I.N.K. Before you Speak”

Level 8

Since: Sep 08

With My Wife and Family

#5893 Jan 23, 2013
Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies,(thinking,'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you co uld start at anymoment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

“T.H.I.N.K. Before you Speak”

Level 8

Since: Sep 08

With My Wife and Family

#5894 Jan 23, 2013
Mexican Oysters A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

“T.H.I.N.K. Before you Speak”

Level 8

Since: Sep 08

With My Wife and Family

#5895 Jan 23, 2013
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."

“T.H.I.N.K. Before you Speak”

Level 8

Since: Sep 08

With My Wife and Family

#5896 Jan 23, 2013
An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

“T.H.I.N.K. Before you Speak”

Level 8

Since: Sep 08

With My Wife and Family

#5897 Jan 23, 2013
It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."

“T.H.I.N.K. Before you Speak”

Level 8

Since: Sep 08

With My Wife and Family

#5898 Jan 23, 2013
A sign in a Fire station front office....

"If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate measures."

“T.H.I.N.K. Before you Speak”

Level 8

Since: Sep 08

With My Wife and Family

#5899 Jan 23, 2013
The husband pops into the bar after work for a quick drink. One turns into two, and so on, until he's loaded. The husband throws up all over his shirt, then starts sobbing uncontrollably.

The guy next to him asks whats wrong, and he replies "My wife's going to leave me! She hates that I drink, and she swore if I came home hammered one more time she was going to pack her things and go!"

The guy next to him orders a glass of water, and reassures him, "Don't worry, here's the plan - drink this water and sober up. Here's $20, when you get home just tell your wife that you stopped in to see some friends, and this drunk threw up on you, and he gave you the $20 for a new shirt!"

The drunk replies "What a great idea!" and puts the money in his shirt pocket. He waits an hour, and heads home.

His wife is waiting, and immediately starts yelling at him when she sees his shirt. The husband tells his story, and presents the money in his shirt pocket.

The wife asks, "Well then why do you have $50 here?" and the husband replies, "Oh, well, he sh*t in my pants too!"

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

#5901 Jan 23, 2013
486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.(pronounced 'gooey')

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

“Ungood doubleplus duckspeak.”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

Earth

#5902 Jan 23, 2013
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock", the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall..."KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

“Ungood doubleplus duckspeak.”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

Earth

#5903 Jan 23, 2013
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

“Ungood doubleplus duckspeak.”

Level 6

Since: Dec 12

Earth

#5904 Jan 23, 2013
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

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