Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5860 Jan 15, 2013
While watching the NFL playofffs last weekend, my wife got mad when she said "Honey, my hands are cold" and I responded with "Great! Here, hold my beer for me."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5861 Jan 15, 2013
I found a great new dating site. It's called ancestry.com .

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5862 Jan 15, 2013
My buddy invented a sundial that will tell you the time anywhere in the world.

You have to travel a lot, though.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5863 Jan 16, 2013
I stayed in a hotel the other night and was checking the the drawers when I found a Bible. I opened it and a little note fell out. Below a phone number, it read:

"My child, If you are troubled by the demons of alcohol and seek help in your hour of need, you can always call on me and I will be there to ease your pain and anguish. Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and call me. I will gladly listen to your temptations and desires and will be as supportive as possible."

Close to tears, I dialed the number and a man's voice answered: "Dave's Liquor and Carry Out. How may I help you?"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5865 Jan 16, 2013
"Alcohol" is not in my vodkabulary, but I did look it up on whiskeypedia and learned that if you drink too much of it it's likely tequilya.

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5866 Jan 17, 2013
The city I used to live in had a Dick's Liquor Delivery service.

My all time favourite restaurant sign though had to be in Windsor, Ontario. Honest to God, the sign read, "Greek Boy Restaurant" at the top with a smaller sign below it that read, "parking in rear".

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5867 Jan 17, 2013
My arrogance used to bother me from time to time. But now that I actually know everything, I'm fine with it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5868 Jan 17, 2013
Hopelessly lost and in the midst of a thunderstorm, a guy stops in the front yard of a rundown farmhouse. He splashes up onto the rickety porch and knocks on the door. A little old woman answers, and he asks for directions to Atlanta.

"I'm very sorry young man," the old lady says, "but I don't know."

The man dashes back out to his car and starts back towards the road. As he is about to turn onto the road he happens to look in the rear view mirror and he sees the old woman flashing the porch light and waving. He turns around, parks and runs through the rain back onto the porch.

"This is my husband," she said, "and he doesn't know how to get to Atlanta either."

“Fishin" in the Moonlight”

Level 9

Since: Jul 11

.......¿.......

#5870 Jan 17, 2013
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

#5871 Jan 18, 2013
Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#5872 Jan 18, 2013
There was this little boy who had no name. One day he went outside and heard someone say Jonny. He then tells his mother his first name would be Jonny. The second day he goes outside and hears the name Humper. So, he tells his mother his middle name was going to be Humper. The third day, Jonny goes out and hears the name Harder. Then, he tells his mother his full name shall be Jonny Humper Harder. Jonny goes out one day with handful of cookies. He sees this girl around his age and asks her if she would be willing to take off her shirt for a cookie. The little girls says that she would take off all her close for all of Jonny's cookIes. Jonny gives her the cookies and the girl takes off all her clothes. Hours later, the towns people all run up to them in the middle of the street and they cry,'' JONNY HUMPER HARDER''!!! Little Jonny yells,'' I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING!!!''

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5873 Jan 18, 2013
My imaginary friend is staying over tonight. I've already made the bed up for him.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5874 Jan 18, 2013
My buddy says there is a clown down at Wal Mart that hides from gay people. I don't believe him, though. I've never seen it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5876 Jan 18, 2013
A Frisbee player was hospitalized after catching something that was going around.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5875 Jan 18, 2013
What people don't seem to realize is that babies are here to replace us.

Once you understand that you can see just how sinister they are.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5877 Jan 18, 2013
Ever since my uncle had his stroke, he's become very political.

He now leans to the right.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5878 Jan 18, 2013
Some aspiring singer-songwriters were sitting in a bar in Nashville. One of them says "I keep hearing about some guys named Bach and Mozart. Anyone heard of them?"

"Yeah," one of the others says. "But don't worry about 'em. All they ever did was instrumentals."

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5879 Jan 21, 2013
So this Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog cart and asks the vendor, "Can you make me one with everything?".

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5880 Jan 21, 2013
I've decided to become a vegan. Not because I have any moral objections to eating meat, I just really hate plants.
Homunculus Nebula

Brisbane, Australia

#5881 Jan 22, 2013
AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE.

THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey
Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.

THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY.

THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT ?

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

Amen.

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