Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5840 Jan 11, 2013
It's been in the news that Canada is going to increase it's commitment to helping the United States in the war against terrorism. They have promised to commit two of their largest battleships, 8,000 armed soldiers and 80 fighter jets.

But after the exchange rate is factored in it comes down to a canoe, two Mounties and a flying squirrel.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5841 Jan 11, 2013
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the guy who tried to mug me in downtown Savannah night before last.
2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

> I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
> hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
> threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
> earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important
> message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't
> expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you
> took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket
> for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my
> 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that
> Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked
> up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it
> is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I
> know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with
> crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I
> made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.[That prevented
> you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
> After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I
> explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up
> my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station,-- on
> your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was
> extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van
> Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.[That made his day!] I then
> threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the
> curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire
> driver's side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone
> calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President
> Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a
> nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). ;In a way,
> perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of
> retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
> I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate
> pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect
> upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in
> life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
> Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi, Alex

“water water water water water ”

Since: Oct 07

the place with Pyramid Head

#5842 Jan 11, 2013
well last night i slept like a air traffic contoller

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5843 Jan 11, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
It's been in the news that Canada is going to increase it's commitment to helping the United States in the war against terrorism. They have promised to commit two of their largest battleships, 8,000 armed soldiers and 80 fighter jets.
But after the exchange rate is factored in it comes down to a canoe, two Mounties and a flying squirrel.
Actually, the real joke is we have nothing larger than a handful of destroyers, we MIGHT be able to scrape together 60-65 CF-18s, but we do have the 8000 soldiers... but they might have to bum a ride :-(

Plus, our dollar is worth more than yours right now so :-P lol

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5844 Jan 12, 2013
Whisgean Zoda wrote:
<quoted text>
Actually, the real joke is we have nothing larger than a handful of destroyers, we MIGHT be able to scrape together 60-65 CF-18s, but we do have the 8000 soldiers... but they might have to bum a ride :-(
Plus, our dollar is worth more than yours right now so :-P lol
True. You can also add that we have nicer neighbors.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5845 Jan 12, 2013
Getting out of the military? Here are a few tips..........

Time does not begin with a zero or end with a hundred. It is NOT 0530 or 1400... it's 5:30 in the morning or 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

Words such as "deck," "rack" and "PT" will get blanks looks from those around you. It's "floor," "bed" and "workout." Get used to it.

Pain is not weakness leaving the body; it's just pain.

It's not a radio, it's a "phone." Conversations need not end with the word "out."

Try sprinkling a word like "um" instead of "f*ck" in your conversations.

Do not put creases in your jeans or on the front of your dress shirts.

You do NOT have to wear a belt all the time, but it IS okay to wear a hat indoors.

Being drunk before 1700... er, I mean, 5 o'clock in the afternoon isn't accepted as a spectacular accomplishment.

Very few people will be interested in how low your balls hang. I know that sounds unbelievable, but it's true.

One day you will need health insurance.

Buying a $30,000 car on a $15,000 salary isn't a good idea.

You can't spend your last $200 on booze and figure you'll just eat at the chow hall for the next two weeks until payday.

They really can fire you (but on the flip side, you can quit).

You can say what you really think about the Commander-In-Chief.

Fights and brawls are not acceptable and you will most likely end up in jail instead of getting yelled at on Monday morning before being asked if you won and sent to your job.

Non-judicial punishment no longer exists and will not keep you out of prison.

Nobody wears shiny things on their collar points to let you know they are more important then you are. BE POLITE.

Read the contracts before you sign them... remember what happened the first time.

Hey, no thanks are necessary. I'm passing it on as a public service.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5846 Jan 12, 2013
"Would you like some upsexy?"

"What's 'upsexy'"?

"Not much. You?"

“*Merry Christmas*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5847 Jan 13, 2013
Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well for my age.(I just turned 60..) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked,'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?''Oh no,' I replied.'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked,'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'I said,'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?''No, I don't,' I said. He asked,'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?''No,' I said. He looked at me and said,'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

“*Merry Christmas*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5848 Jan 13, 2013
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon,

he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married

I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing.

Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams,

"I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5849 Jan 13, 2013
Canada's border with Mexico is the most secure in the world.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5850 Jan 13, 2013
When I sat down next to a guy on the bus, he started staring at me. "Figures," I thought. "I get on an empty bus and STILL end up sitting next to some nutcase."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5851 Jan 13, 2013
I've heard Apple has a new app that lets you order pizza anytime, anywhere from your iPhone. I must have a really special phone, because mine already does that.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5852 Jan 13, 2013
The secret to being original is to never reveal your source.

Hoosier Hillbilly told me that.

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5853 Jan 14, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
<quoted text>
True. You can also add that we have nicer neighbors.
A joke just for you.

God had just finished created Earth when he called Gabriel over. "Gabe", he said, "Do you see that area just below the north pole? I'm going to create land there. It will be surrounded by ocean on three sides that will be teeming with life and food the people can eat.
On the west coast I'm going to create mountaind that will be the crown jewel of the new land. East of the mountains I'll create vast plains where many different grains can be grown. I'll create huge lakes so they'll have the largest supply of fresh water in the world.
This new land will also be abundant in valuable minerals and resources. And when it's all said and done, this new land will be called Canada".

Gabriel was rather impressed but then asked God, "But don't you think you'll be making it too easy on them? If you give them too much they might become lazy and complacent."

To which God replied, "Nah don't worry, wait til you see who I give them as neighbours".
Level 1

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#5854 Jan 14, 2013
There's a Black man and a Mexican in a car.
Who's driving???

the cop!

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5855 Jan 14, 2013
My friends say I'll never be a poet because of my Alzheimer's. Well, I've decided to prove them wrong and write a poem.

Here's what I have so far.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5856 Jan 14, 2013
My buddy is sleeping on the couch again. He answered the phone yesterday and the caller asked if he would donate some of his wife's clothes to starving children, and he said if they could fit in his wife's clothes they weren't starving.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5857 Jan 14, 2013
I saw an ad in the paper that said "I'll pick up old refrigerators and freezers for free!"

I called the number and some big body builder showed up and started showing off.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5858 Jan 14, 2013
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there isn't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5859 Jan 15, 2013
Those push-up bras are a rip off. I bought one for the wife but she can still only manage five or six before her arms get tired.

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