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5,601 - 5,620 of 7,025 Comments Last updated Tuesday Aug 26

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5819 Jan 10, 2013
I bought one of those money-checking pens. Now, whenever I get bills back when I buy something, I hold them up to the light and then check them with the pen before taking my purchases and moving out of the way.

They don't see the humor.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5820 Jan 10, 2013
I'm very proud of my six year old grandson. I bought him a drum set for his birthday and he's already making money with it.

His dad gives him $10 a week and a neighbor gives him $30 a week not to play it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5821 Jan 10, 2013
I was at the bar with my buddy over the weekend and he started doing shots with three girls and a gay guy. He said he figured he had a 100% chance of getting laid and a 75% chance he'd enjoy it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5822 Jan 10, 2013
My doctor knows I'm married, but when I was in for a checkup last week he asked "Have you had sex in the past week?"

I said "No, my birthday is in July."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5823 Jan 10, 2013
Little Johnny's mom decided to give him a lesson about the human anatomy. She took all her clothes off, pointed to her vagina and said "This is where you came from."

At school the next day, Johnny kept smiling and insisted that everyone call him "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one of his little buddies asked.

Johnny held his fingers about an inch apart and said "Because I came this close to being a turd!"

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5824 Jan 10, 2013
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer,
grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robbers face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over to him
and calmly shoots him in the head.

By now, everyone is very scared and looking down at the floor.



"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.


There follows a tense silence.

Then an elderly Italian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I thinka maybe my wifa caughta glimpse."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5825 Jan 10, 2013
Goose huntin' in Minnysota

Goose Hunting...Ole, Sven & Lena; gotta love Minnesota humour.

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to...and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5826 Jan 10, 2013
I don't think our neighbour's son is going to do very well in life. In biology class the other day, the teacher asked him what a "vulva" was.

He said it was a car made in Sweden.

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5827 Jan 10, 2013
True story: Years ago when I was in grade 7, our science teacher was explaining the difference between flourescent and incandescent lights.
At the end of his lesson he pointed to the ceiling and asked, "Now, what are those?"

My buddy and I glanced at each other quickly and answered in unison, "FINGERS!"

At which point the teacher turned around and starting banging his head on the chalkboard.

“Gone Fishin', bye!”

Level 9

Since: Jul 11

.......¿.......

#5828 Jan 10, 2013
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#5829 Jan 11, 2013
Q: What weighs 2,000 pounds and pinches?

A: An elephant wearing a tight tuxedo.

Since: Feb 09

Location hidden

#5830 Jan 11, 2013
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.So she called him on his mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford ----and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5831 Jan 11, 2013
My buddy is so distrustful he uses his GPS when traveling by train.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5832 Jan 11, 2013
My buddy, visiting New York City, said there are signs in the subways warning that if you stand too close to the edge you might get sucked off.

Three hours he stood there, he said, like an idiot.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5833 Jan 11, 2013
I'm thinking about starting a website and naming it "No One Ever" and review movies. Just think of the blurb splashed across the movie marquee:

"Sylvester Stallones' latest movie is an exciting and totally riviting experience!" said No One Ever.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5834 Jan 11, 2013
There is an exhaustive list of hacked website usernames and passwords posted on the internet. To find out if you are a victim, please send me your e-mail address, any alternative e-mail addresses along with all passwords and I'll see if you're on the list.

“"Always Thinking"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5835 Jan 11, 2013
A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to to me "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

So I walk in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

I take a good long starring look at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and respond, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

"Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."

Moral of the story: Don't do that, I didn't get the job either.

“"Always Thinking"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5836 Jan 11, 2013
PS: Some people just don't appreciate good humor-do they?

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5838 Jan 11, 2013
Retiring in Alaska

Bill had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing
there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00.
"Great", says Bill, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!"
"Not a problem" says Bill. "After 25 years in the business,
I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Bill, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5839 Jan 11, 2013
Art decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't "

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