Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5780 Jan 1, 2013
Some red food coloring and a snowy sidewalk makes for some interesting activity by the neighbors and passing pedestrians.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5781 Jan 1, 2013
SUNDAY MORNING

Dear work colleagues:

Well well well. It just so happens that I won the Mega Millions Jackpot last night, and that means I won't be at work tomorrow morning. So long you bunch of a**holes.

And just so you all know, I spit in the office coffee pot nearly every morning.
And Mr. Johnson, I screwed you wife. Three times. And she loved it.
So f*** you all and goodbye!!!!!!!

MONDAY MORNING

Sorry, folks. I misread the numbes on the Jackpot drawing, so I'll be in after all. Might be a little late, though.

P.S. I have donuts :-)

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#5783 Jan 1, 2013
New year, new rules. Videos are okay:

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5784 Jan 1, 2013
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother.''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!''
''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.''
''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!''
''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...''

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

#5785 Jan 2, 2013
Q: Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey, so what did Delaware?

A: I don't know, Alaska.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5786 Jan 2, 2013
I tried to convince my little granddaughter that it's okay if you accidentally poop your pants, but I couldn't. She's still making fun of me.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5787 Jan 2, 2013
My alcoholic friends are upset with me because I keet "sober texting" them at 7 o'clock in the morning.

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5788 Jan 2, 2013
**********

And never, under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

**********

Level 4

Since: Mar 10

Location hidden

#5789 Jan 3, 2013
SchoolandUniversity wrote:
A SKELETON WALKS INTO A BAR...
A skeleton walks into a bar, and says, "Give me shot, and a mop."
Good one!

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5790 Jan 3, 2013
The Winter Boots!


(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced,'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream,'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,'Now, where are your
mittens?'

He said,'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.



Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5791 Jan 3, 2013
The tough girl said, "Oh yeh! Well, I can wipe my butt with one arm behind me."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5792 Jan 3, 2013
quilterqueen wrote:
The tough girl said, "Oh yeh! Well, I can wipe my butt with one arm behind me."
A blonde huh ?

NO OFFENSE TO OUR BEAUTIFUL BLONDE FRIENDS ON TOPIX !!!

Joke thread !

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5793 Jan 3, 2013
My buddy said I should try taking a laxative to stop my coughing, because I would be too afraid to cough. You might laugh, but I tried it. It was working pretty good, too.

Until I sneezed.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5794 Jan 3, 2013
At the bar last weekend I was getting cozy with a girl. At one point, she reached down, grabbed my crotch and said "I want this."

Needless to say I got the hell out of there. I don't mess with those crazy transexuals.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5795 Jan 3, 2013
My buddy thinks his wife has "memory bulimia" because she's always bringing up the past.
Anonymous

Brisbane, Australia

#5796 Jan 4, 2013
Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents

Police: Where does your parents live?

Me: With me

Police: Where do you all live?

Me: Together

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbors house

Police: Where is your neighbors house?

Me: If I tell you, you not gonna believe me

Police: Tell me

Me: Next to my house

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5797 Jan 4, 2013
Someone broke into our house last weekend but they took only our TV remote. Now they drive past the house and change the channels.

A**holes.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5798 Jan 4, 2013
While I was on the front porch I saw a neighbor lady walking past with two dogs. "I didn't know you had any dogs," I said.

She said "These aren't my dogs, they're my sisters'."

"In that case," I said, "you have some ugly sisters."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5799 Jan 4, 2013
I watched one of those food shows and they said we shouldn't be afraid to buy things from the "reduced price" shelf because those items can make a quick, nice and very inexpensive family meal.

I thought it might be a good idea, so I went to town and got some things, brought them home and made a meal to surprise the wife when she gets home from work.

I sure hope she likes her macaroni, gummi bear and cat food casserole.

Level 6

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5800 Jan 4, 2013
Hoof Arted wrote:
I watched one of those food shows and they said we shouldn't be afraid to buy things from the "reduced price" shelf because those items can make a quick, nice and very inexpensive family meal.
I thought it might be a good idea, so I went to town and got some things, brought them home and made a meal to surprise the wife when she gets home from work.
I sure hope she likes her macaroni, gummi bear and cat food casserole.
Hey, that's what we had for dinner tonight!
;-) LOL

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