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“"Always Thinking"”

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Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

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#5778
Jan 1, 2013
 
Meaning of...'potentially' and 'realistically'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes,'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

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Since: Dec 10

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#5779
Jan 1, 2013
 
There is a new diet out called the Political Diet. Instead of eating food, you get fed lies.

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Since: Dec 10

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#5780
Jan 1, 2013
 
Some red food coloring and a snowy sidewalk makes for some interesting activity by the neighbors and passing pedestrians.

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#5781
Jan 1, 2013
 
SUNDAY MORNING

Dear work colleagues:

Well well well. It just so happens that I won the Mega Millions Jackpot last night, and that means I won't be at work tomorrow morning. So long you bunch of a**holes.

And just so you all know, I spit in the office coffee pot nearly every morning.
And Mr. Johnson, I screwed you wife. Three times. And she loved it.
So f*** you all and goodbye!!!!!!!

MONDAY MORNING

Sorry, folks. I misread the numbes on the Jackpot drawing, so I'll be in after all. Might be a little late, though.

P.S. I have donuts :-)

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

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#5783
Jan 1, 2013
 
New year, new rules. Videos are okay:

http://www.youtube.com/watch...

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Since: Oct 12

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#5784
Jan 1, 2013
 

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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother.''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!''
''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.''
''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!''
''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...''

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

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#5785
Jan 2, 2013
 
Q: Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey, so what did Delaware?

A: I don't know, Alaska.

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Since: Dec 10

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#5786
Jan 2, 2013
 
I tried to convince my little granddaughter that it's okay if you accidentally poop your pants, but I couldn't. She's still making fun of me.

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#5787
Jan 2, 2013
 

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My alcoholic friends are upset with me because I keet "sober texting" them at 7 o'clock in the morning.

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#5788
Jan 2, 2013
 
**********

And never, under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

**********

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Since: Mar 10

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#5789
Jan 3, 2013
 
SchoolandUniversity wrote:
A SKELETON WALKS INTO A BAR...
A skeleton walks into a bar, and says, "Give me shot, and a mop."
Good one!

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Since: Oct 12

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#5790
Jan 3, 2013
 

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1

The Winter Boots!


(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced,'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream,'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,'Now, where are your
mittens?'

He said,'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.



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#5791
Jan 3, 2013
 
The tough girl said, "Oh yeh! Well, I can wipe my butt with one arm behind me."

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Since: Oct 12

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#5792
Jan 3, 2013
 
quilterqueen wrote:
The tough girl said, "Oh yeh! Well, I can wipe my butt with one arm behind me."
A blonde huh ?

NO OFFENSE TO OUR BEAUTIFUL BLONDE FRIENDS ON TOPIX !!!

Joke thread !

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#5793
Jan 3, 2013
 

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My buddy said I should try taking a laxative to stop my coughing, because I would be too afraid to cough. You might laugh, but I tried it. It was working pretty good, too.

Until I sneezed.

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#5794
Jan 3, 2013
 
At the bar last weekend I was getting cozy with a girl. At one point, she reached down, grabbed my crotch and said "I want this."

Needless to say I got the hell out of there. I don't mess with those crazy transexuals.

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#5795
Jan 3, 2013
 

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My buddy thinks his wife has "memory bulimia" because she's always bringing up the past.
Anonymous

Brisbane, Australia

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#5796
Jan 4, 2013
 
Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents

Police: Where does your parents live?

Me: With me

Police: Where do you all live?

Me: Together

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbors house

Police: Where is your neighbors house?

Me: If I tell you, you not gonna believe me

Police: Tell me

Me: Next to my house

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#5797
Jan 4, 2013
 

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Someone broke into our house last weekend but they took only our TV remote. Now they drive past the house and change the channels.

A**holes.

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#5798
Jan 4, 2013
 

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While I was on the front porch I saw a neighbor lady walking past with two dogs. "I didn't know you had any dogs," I said.

She said "These aren't my dogs, they're my sisters'."

"In that case," I said, "you have some ugly sisters."

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