Come on...Tell me a joke

“*=* Always Thinking *=*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5760 Dec 29, 2012
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won, hands down!

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5761 Dec 29, 2012
When the naval ship finally docked stateside, the entire crew rushed off except one old Master Chief who was leaning against the railing and calmly smoking a cigarette.

One young sailor slowed down just long enough to say “You must be the only one who doesn’t have a wife to go home to.”

“Quite the opposite,” the Master Chief says.“I’m the only one who does.”

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5762 Dec 29, 2012
A woman came up to me at work, rubbed my bald head and whispered “Is it true bald men are better lovers?”

I said I didn’t know because I’ve never made love to a bald guy.

Women. How dumb can they be?

“*=* Always Thinking *=*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5763 Dec 29, 2012
The Sermon

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look
on his upturned face,"Without you we are but dust... "

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who waslistening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Unusual Funeral

Shoals, IN

#5764 Dec 30, 2012
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5765 Dec 30, 2012
My buddy got his child a hamster for Christmas. The kid loved to watch it in the wire wheel running round and round and round.

The poor hamster didn’t much care for the bike ride, though.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5766 Dec 30, 2012
My wife asked me to stay away from bars, so for my New Year’s resolution I’ve decided to quit my gymnastics class.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5767 Dec 30, 2012
If a man calls his girlfriend at the last minute saying he can’t meet her for their date, she texts all her friends complaining that he’s such a bastard for cancelling out at the last minute and such a SOB for not caring for her feelings or even making an attempt to explain what was going on and that he’s most likely seeing someone else and maybe she should find out where he is right now and follow him around to see what he’s really up to and that she might even find him going out with someone else and then take whatever action necessary to make sure he knows she knows and make his life a living hell.

If a gal calls her boyfriend at the last minute saying she can’t meet him for their date he’ll text all his friends with “Bar?”

“*=* Always Thinking *=*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5768 Dec 30, 2012
Hoof Arted are you saying women are different than men in their dispositions?

*=* WELL 'i' NEVER *=*
how many times you heard'm
say that?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5769 Dec 30, 2012
Hoosier Hillbilly wrote:
Hoof Arted are you saying women are different than men in their dispositions?
*=* WELL 'i' NEVER *=*
how many times you heard'm
say that?
A man marries a woman and hopes she will never change. She does.

A woman marries and man and hopes he will change. He doesn't.

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5770 Dec 31, 2012
I'm currently in the running for next year's Dicky-do award.

It's a contest to see who's belly hangs down farther than their dicky do.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5771 Dec 31, 2012
Travelling for the holidays, we stopped in a rest area on the interstate and I was freaked out when I saw a guy with four feet in a toilet stall… and he had two of the shoes on backwards.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5772 Dec 31, 2012
The Moods of a Woman:

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction
A woman is a bundle of contradiction

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

The Moods of a Man:

Hungry
Horny
Sleepy

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5773 Dec 31, 2012
I have nothing but bad luck with the stupid lottery. In last night’s drawing I had all six numbers but they were in the wrong order. And to rub salt in the wound, the winning ticket was sold right here in my own hometown and nobody has claimed the money. What an IDIOT!

“*=* Always Thinking *=*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5774 Dec 31, 2012
Ain't it a fact?

“http://www.stude ntshelp.info”

Level 8

Since: Dec 12

http://www.studentshelp.info

#5775 Dec 31, 2012
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

.
.
.
.
.

A: Hella.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5776 Dec 31, 2012
I'm writing my list of New Years resolutions.

1. Finish everything I start.
2.

.

.

Meh, I'll do this later.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5777 Dec 31, 2012
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so...
Do you have a piece of gum?

“*=* Always Thinking *=*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5778 Jan 1, 2013
Meaning of...'potentially' and 'realistically'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes,'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5779 Jan 1, 2013
There is a new diet out called the Political Diet. Instead of eating food, you get fed lies.

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