Comments
5,521 - 5,540 of 7,015 Comments Last updated May 25, 2014

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5738
Dec 24, 2012
 

Judged:

2

It isn’t every day that my wife meets me at the door dressed in a filmy nightgown, hands me a shot of Jack Daniels, gently takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom for some fun before supper.

Today was no exception.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5739
Dec 25, 2012
 
When I stopped at the local convenience store yesterday I was disgusted to see a guy masturbating in his car. I couldn’t believe it. He had his head down and a bit of drool was coming out of the corner of his mouth. His whole car was shaking. I started to bang on his window and tell him to get the hell out of here when I noticed he was only doing a scratch card.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5740
Dec 25, 2012
 
I’m not sure how I should change my approach to girls down at the bar, but the stumbling blind drunk technique is failing miserably.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5741
Dec 25, 2012
 
My neighbor said he’s worried about what his little brother is doing.

“What’s he doing?” I asked.

“Self harms.”

And I said “What’s wrong with selling farms?”

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5742
Dec 25, 2012
 

Judged:

1

My buddy said he was once abducted by aliens. They made him wipe his face, blow his nose, eat all of his green beans and put a sweater on.

He thinks he was on the mothership.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5743
Dec 25, 2012
 
My little brother lost a tooth eating potato chips last night.

But I did warn him to stop rustling the bag while I was trying to watch tv.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5744
Dec 25, 2012
 
When I got to the bar last Saturday, the bartender asked me what I wanted.

“Surprise me,” I said.

He showed me a picture of my wife. Naked.

“"Always Thinking"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5745
Dec 25, 2012
 
One weekend Hoof Arted was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance, Rolly. They loaded up Rolly's truck and headed into the mountains. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard as they approached the foothills.

They pulled into a nearby farm. An attractive retired woman answered the door. Hoof Arted and Rolly asked if they could spend the night.

"I know that it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I" know that the neighbors will talk and tell the world if I let the two of you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Hoof Arted replied. "The two of us will be happy to sleep in the barn. Once the weather breaks, we will be out of here immediately headed for the mountains." The woman agreed, and Hoof Arted and Rolly settled in for the night.

Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. Hoof Arted and Rolly left without saying goodbye. They made it safely to the mountains and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

Nine months later, Hoof Arted got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that Rolly and he had met on the ski weekend

He dropped in on Rolly at the coffee bar and asked, "Rolly, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Of course, I do." retorted Rolly.

"I am just curious," stated Hoof Arted . "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, while I was fast asleep, and go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yeah, I confess" Rolly sheepishly replied, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name," continued Hoof Arted with his questioning, "instead of telling her your real name?"

Rolly's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, old buddy. I'm afraid I did. By the way, what brought this up? In other words, why do you ask?"

"She just died," declared Hoof Arted , "and left me everything in her will."

“Slicing Through the B.S.”

Level 3

Since: Aug 09

Wanna touch my Katana?

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5746
Dec 26, 2012
 
quilterqueen wrote:
Olaf and Lena
Olaf Svenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota,
took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and
my fiancé, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay."
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your Villy in a splint to
let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but
leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided
splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on
their honeymoon to Duluth.
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said: "Olaf... you're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena...
still in DA CRATE."
Ollie and Lena were madly in love and were to be married. They went to city hall to apply for a marriage license. Looking over their completed application, the clerk noted that Lena was 6' 4" and weighed 255 lbs.

"My gosh," he gasped, "you could play with the Green Bay Packers."

Lena replies, "Lookee here, Mister! I've not been playing with anyone's packer but Ollie's!"

“I call it as I see it.”

Level 8

Since: Jul 09

Retirement City

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5747
Dec 26, 2012
 

Judged:

2

2

2

Q. How do you make holy water?

A. You put it on the stove and boil the hell out of it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5748
Dec 28, 2012
 
flbadcatowner wrote:
Q. How do you make holy water?
A. You put it on the stove and boil the hell out of it.
Do we boil the pi$$ out of kidney beans?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5749
Dec 28, 2012
 
My buddy showed up at home with a shaved head. His wife was very upset, and asked why he did it.

“My bungee instructor told me to,” he said.

“For pete’s sake,” she yelled.“If he told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?”

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5750
Dec 28, 2012
 
My buddy was flirting with a girl at the bar and she told him her panties matched her socks. I glanced down and saw she wasn’t even wearing socks.

Women. How dumb can they be?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5751
Dec 28, 2012
 
I hate that little cup of weird blue stuff the dentist gives to you after he's finished your treatment. When he's not looking I spit it out.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5752
Dec 28, 2012
 

Judged:

1

Reading about the economic crisis overseas, I doubt Ireland will be able to stay afloat.

Well, Cork might.

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5753
Dec 28, 2012
 

Judged:

1

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

"That's entirely possible. Our cook used to be a tailor."

“"Always Thinking"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5754
Dec 28, 2012
 

Judged:

2

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Daisy May got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Daisy May got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Daisy May didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Daisy May with me."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5755
Dec 28, 2012
 
I phoned my doctor and said “I blew my nose and now my vision is all blurry. What should I do?”

And he said “Stop cleaning your glasses with your hanky.”

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5756
Dec 28, 2012
 
I met an old high school chum at the bar and while we were catching up he said he was getting married next week.

“How long have you been with her?” I asked.

“Well, we’ve been together since 78.”

“Jeez, that’s a long time,” I said.

“Not really,” he replied.“She just turned 82 last month.”

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

The 'Shwa

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5757
Dec 28, 2012
 
Did you hear about the upcoming necrophiliac's New Years bash?

Apparently they'll be heading down to the morgue to suck back a few cold ones.

Tell me when this thread is updated: (Registration is not required)

Add to my Tracker Send me an email

Type in your comments below
Name
(appears on your post)
Comments
Characters left: 4000
Type the numbers you see in the image on the right:

Please note by clicking on "Post Comment" you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

243 Users are viewing the Weird Forum right now

Search the Weird Forum:
Title Updated Last By Comments
What are you thinking about now? (Jun '10) 3 min Kevin 15,502
Evolution vs. Creation (Jul '11) 3 min ChromiuMan 113,164
Word Association (Mar '10) 4 min Jennifer Renee 15,798
BAN(N) the P0STER Above you !!! 8 min dragoon70056 1,660
Tell Us Who or What You Really Are,...? (Apr '13) 10 min honeymylove 1,569
Word Association 2 (Sep '13) 10 min White Fire 5,698
Post how you feel (Oct '12) 12 min Princess Hey 348
Message to Obama 13 min beatlesinthebog 724
JUST SAY SOMETHING. Whatever comes to mind!! (Aug '09) 32 min Nobody 2 Special 28,361
Still arguing with Billy R (Oct '09) 40 min harleyhoney 501
•••
•••