Come on...Tell me a joke

The Gap, Australia

#5649 Dec 14, 2012
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen..

Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer...

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails','highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Matthews, NC

#5650 Dec 14, 2012
x-pitcher wrote:
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says,'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
#17. How true!

“"*" Always Thinking "*"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5651 Dec 14, 2012

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye and says,
Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car , front door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on ... It doesn't matter to me, I just love it.
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,
No kidding ... I'm in Congress too. What state do you represent?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back
to reality, whispering:
"You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5653 Dec 14, 2012
My very elderly aunt, who has Parkinson’s, is in the hospital because she broke her hip. The wife and I visited and I took her a little gift to cheer her up, and I think she really likes it. The whole time we were there she just sat in her bed shaking her new snow globe.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5654 Dec 14, 2012
The first rule of Narcolepsy Club is

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5655 Dec 14, 2012
My buddy’s wife wanted a sports bra for her birthday. He didn't want to spend any money, so he made one for her, using two socks and a short piece of string.

The doctors say he will eventually walk again but he’ll always have a limp.

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

#5656 Dec 14, 2012
His mother was now living in Miami Beach and the young man didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"

"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."

"You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"

"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"

Level 1

Since: Dec 10

La Porte, TX

#5657 Dec 15, 2012
x-pitcher wrote:
Enjoy a good laugh!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Would you happen to know what the name of the book is and how to get one?

Masontown, PA

#5658 Dec 15, 2012
Moral Joke
Q: What comes after 69?

A: Mouthwash.

Newburgh, IN

#5659 Dec 15, 2012
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.....' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5660 Dec 15, 2012
At a restaurant last weekend, my wife said her salad would taste a lot better if it were a piece of pie.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5661 Dec 15, 2012
My buddy is convinced he's slowly gaining the power of invisibility.

First, his wife says "Where do you think you're disappearing to?" and later, down at the bar, he hears "Hey, Bob's here! Where did you come from? Good to see you, man!"

The Gap, Australia

#5662 Dec 16, 2012
You Tell 'em Girl !

He said to me ..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him ...... You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ...... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .... They don't have time.

He said to me.. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .... I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me.. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him ... They already have boyfriends.

He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him.... A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed….Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

The Gap, Australia

#5663 Dec 16, 2012

Just heard our local Muslim optician has passed away.

Asif Eyecare

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5664 Dec 16, 2012
While talking to my wife on the cell phone I mentioned that I was surprised to see a woman pop a breast out and start feeding her son. My wife said I was a Neanderthal because it was a normal and natural thing the woman was doing.

Well, okay... but the kid was sitting in a chair and she was feeding him french fries.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5665 Dec 16, 2012
I asked my buddy what he thinks about the world ending on December 21st. He said he ain't falling for that again because he just recently finished all the fricking beans he bought for Y2K.

The Gap, Australia

#5666 Dec 16, 2012
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track,

To learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the thoroughbred race-horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one,

And held onto their "john thomases" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed, and very "well-hung"

Trying not to show that she was staring at his schlong, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

The Gap, Australia

#5667 Dec 16, 2012

did you know that there is a word in the English language that can be a noun; verb; adj; adv; & prep.



This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv],[prep],[adj],[n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP,

and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and

fix UP ...

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite,

and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it soaks UP the earth.

When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now ... my time is UP!

Oh ... one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?



Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP. look UP that old friend in your address book ... or not ... it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!


The Gap, Australia

#5668 Dec 16, 2012
Girlie Wisdom!

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!'....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Jane Doe.

“I call it as I see it.”

Level 8

Since: Jul 09

Retirement City

#5670 Dec 16, 2012
I must have told you a thousand times about your exaggerating.

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