“Just a lil' humor there.....”

Since: Sep 12

OR NOT .... <[;-)

#5627 Dec 10, 2012
Good Morning Satan
Hope you had a nice weekend and have a fantastic day today.
We were all on our best behavior -- while you were away.
;~)

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years. This year, Ralph's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. And thus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news. Two days later, the other guys arrive at the resort to begin their yearly golf getaway. And of all things, they find Ralph sitting there with his clubs already set up on his cart.

"Dang Ralphie boy, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty
Shades Of Gray," she pulled me into our bedroom. On the bed she had
handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did." Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!

HE's gonna pay for that.
;~)

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5628 Dec 10, 2012
PESCreate wrote:
Good Morning Satan
Hope you had a nice weekend and have a fantastic day today.
We were all on our best behavior -- while you were away.
;~)
Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years. This year, Ralph's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. And thus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news. Two days later, the other guys arrive at the resort to begin their yearly golf getaway. And of all things, they find Ralph sitting there with his clubs already set up on his cart.
"Dang Ralphie boy, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty
Shades Of Gray," she pulled me into our bedroom. On the bed she had
handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did." Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
HE's gonna pay for that.
;~)
==========

He did already on pg. 269, post 5570 Lol

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5629 Dec 10, 2012
Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up,'cause 7 days a week he's up."
"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."
"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."
"Exactly."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5630 Dec 10, 2012
I called a Do It Yourself helpline and I don't know which is dumber; the advice they gave me or me for taking their advice.

I've spent the past two days fixing some wood trim on the front porch with nails and little statues of mythical people. It hasn't even come close to fixing the problem.

So be forwarned: if you ask one of those so-called "experts" for advice on reattaching wood to wood and they recommend "gnome or nails," tell them to get screwed.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5631 Dec 10, 2012
A guy says to his girlfriend's father "I know this is just a formality, but I want to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

"Where did you get the idea it's only a formality?"

"From our Lamaze instructor."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5632 Dec 10, 2012
Matt Damon's wife has threatened to make him sleep on the sofa unless he shaves more regularly.

It's the Braun Ultimatum.

“More Brains Than .....”

Level 6

Since: Sep 11

..a Zombie Thanksgiving

#5633 Dec 11, 2012
A blonde goes into a bar and orders a 13.

Ya know, a 7 and 7.

“More Brains Than .....”

Level 6

Since: Sep 11

..a Zombie Thanksgiving

#5634 Dec 11, 2012
I wrote a book on reverse psychology.

You pobably won't like it.

“More Brains Than .....”

Level 6

Since: Sep 11

..a Zombie Thanksgiving

#5635 Dec 11, 2012
*probably*

20 points anyway

“More Brains Than .....”

Level 6

Since: Sep 11

..a Zombie Thanksgiving

#5636 Dec 11, 2012
My Mom told me Santa was really my Dad.

I said, "You cheated on Dad and I'm a Bastard?"

“Love to share”

Level 2

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#5637 Dec 11, 2012
Q: What comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.

“More Brains Than .....”

Level 6

Since: Sep 11

..a Zombie Thanksgiving

#5638 Dec 11, 2012
Last One.

What do you call a guy with a 1 inch penis?

Justin.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5639 Dec 11, 2012
Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in
his office. But she was dating someone else.

One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100
if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"

Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment
and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, "Ask him for
$200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants
down. Then give me a call."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5640 Dec 12, 2012
IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY.....THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS IS PRICELESS!
Enjoy a good laugh!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
__________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
__________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
__________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
__________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
__________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
----------





daw
Level 5

Since: Oct 07

Location hidden

#5641 Dec 12, 2012
shawn43 wrote:
Q: What comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.
The answer is 77..you get eight more!!

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5642 Dec 13, 2012
So I took my nephew to the zoo this past weekend. He was really looking forward to seeing the monkeys. Well, when we eventually reached the monkey cage it was bereft of monkeys and there was a sign indicating they were in the back, mating.

I located one of the zoo workers and brought them over to the monkey cage telling him my little nephew had really been looking forward to seeing them. When I asked him if they might come out for some fresh bananas, he cocked an eye at me and simply asked, "Would you?"

“I will gladly pay you Tuesday”

Level 7

Since: Jul 12

for a hamburger today.

#5643 Dec 13, 2012
Why some wives should not go hunting....

It was Saturday morning when Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag his first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and, to his surprise, found his wife Alice sitting there fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles and says, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, with many reservations, decides to take her along. Hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake safely sets up his lovely wife in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running as soon as I hear shots." Jake walks away knowing Alice couldn't bag an elephant much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes later, he is startled by an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running. As he gets closer, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. Again, he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas Game Warden with his hands high in the air.

The distraught Game Warden yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5644 Dec 13, 2012
She: Honey, I'm pregnant. What do you want it to be?

He: A joke.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5645 Dec 13, 2012
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Anonymous

Brisbane, Australia

#5646 Dec 13, 2012
Donít jump to conclusions!


It's Hell to be Old



OLD people have problems that you haven't

even considered yet!



An 85-year-old man was requested by his

Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical

exam.



The doctor gave the man a jar and said,'Take

this jar home and bring back a semen sample

tomorrow.'



The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared

at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,

which was as clean and empty as on the

previous day.



The doctor asked what happened and the man

explained,'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried

with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

with my left hand, but still nothing.



'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,

then with her teeth out, still nothing.



'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door

and she tried too, first with both hands, then an

armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between

her knees, but still nothing..'



The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the friggin' jar open.'

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