Come on...Tell me a joke

Posted in the Weird Forum

Comments (Page 271)

Showing posts 5,401 - 5,420 of7,015
|
Go to last page| Jump to page:

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5605
Dec 8, 2012
 

Judged:

2

1

1

Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."
Anonymous

Brisbane, Australia

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5606
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

1

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.

When she checked out the next morning,
the Desk Clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high.



"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00
for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' and breakfast had
been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:


"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and
a huge conference center which are available for use."


"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows, for which they were so famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."


"But I didn't go to any of those shows."


"Well, we have them and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.



"But Madam, this cheque is for only $50.00."


"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."


"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here and you could have."

Anonymous

Brisbane, Australia

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5607
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1









There's an annual contest at Princeton University, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.





This year's term was 'political correctness'.



The winning student wrote:



'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.'

Well put, don't you think so?























Anonymous

Brisbane, Australia

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5608
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

1

"SWEET REVENGE."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."






Hoosier Hillbilly

Madison, IN

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5609
Dec 9, 2012
 
When former U.S. military commander in Afghanistan Stanley McChrystal was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not
supporting Obama in his political role as President.

"Itís not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, itís my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied.

Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave."

The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5610
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

2

1

A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me?-Well that's just a sign of good taste!

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5611
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

3

1

1

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says "I was born this way. I'm defective".

"Holy crap" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word" says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird!"

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers".

"Wow" says the guy "You really can understand and can speak English, can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me - I'd be a great companion!"

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that".

"Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not but it's about your wife... and the post man".

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When he delivered a package today your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie".

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims "and she let him?" "Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over".

Then the frantic guy demands "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"DUNNO?!? I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5612
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

1

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "But a man is sitting on the well!"

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5613
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

A teenage boy comes home from school at 7pm and his dad says "Where were you?"

"I was with Jessica" he replied.

"What were you doing?" "We were studying". After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are great".

The dad replies "Go wash your hands son, they're donuts".

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5614
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

1

When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'.

Coincidence?
KNIGHT DEVINE

Brisbane, Australia

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5616
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

1

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Saving ended this year I stopped in to visit my cousin's dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot!

You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5617
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

1

Things that make you go "Wha...?"

Is there another word for a synonym?

What is another word for 'thesaurus'?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why isn't 'palindrome' spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?

Why do people say heads up when you should duck?

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5618
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

Newspaper headlines that made me scratch my head......

Hospital Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

Scab Disease Causing Nuts To Drop Off

Trees Can Break Wind

Witness Takes Fifth In Liquor Probe

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5619
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

I was on the phone to my blonde wife, "I'm near home, hon. Will you put the coffee on?"

After a short silence, I said "Hello? You still there?"

"Yes," she said. "But I don't think the coffee wants to talk right now."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5621
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

1

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says,'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
KNIGHT DEVINE

Brisbane, Australia

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5622
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

1

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says,'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant , about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says,'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(folks, your gonna luv this)........

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

Merry Christmas
KNIGHT DEVINE

Brisbane, Australia

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5623
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

2

1

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,



"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, Silver."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse,.... alone."


The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"SILVER, READ MY LIPS!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST...FUC KING TIME...



"BRING POSSE"










“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

The 'Shwa

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5624
Dec 10, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

1

I reely hate it wen peepul call me iliterat, I bluddy well no hoo my pairents are!

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

The 'Shwa

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5625
Dec 10, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

1

One time when I was a teenager I thought I had mono. Turned out I was just real lazy.

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

The 'Shwa

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5626
Dec 10, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

1

I saw a car the other day with a pair of bumper stickers. The one on the right said "Help wipe out redundancy".
The one on the left said, "Help wipe out redundancy".

Tell me when this thread is updated: (Registration is not required)

Add to my Tracker Send me an email

Showing posts 5,401 - 5,420 of7,015
|
Go to last page| Jump to page:
Type in your comments below
Name
(appears on your post)
Comments
Characters left: 4000
Type the numbers you see in the image on the right:

Please note by clicking on "Post Comment" you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

•••
•••
Enter and win $5000
•••
•••