Hoosier Hillbilly

Englewood, OH

#5584 Dec 6, 2012
I don't even look for " Come on...Tell me a joke "
I go to the right and look for \\ Hoof Arted //.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, having a cold beer.

"So Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.


Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked,'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5585 Dec 6, 2012
Hoosier Hillbilly wrote:
I don't even look for " Come on...Tell me a joke "
I go to the right and look for \\ Hoof Arted //.
That's funny in itself and I don't care who ya are.

(But thanks)

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5586 Dec 6, 2012
When I was little, I once thought my parents had bought me a puppy and a parakeet for Christmas. I was listening at their bedroom door and I heard my dad say to my mum "Go on, stroke it. It won't bite you. And catch it in the sheets this time, don't let it fly around all over the place."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5587 Dec 6, 2012
In The News - "Turkey death toll rises"

Forgive me, but first thing I thought of was "Talk about stating the obvious... Of course its going to rise. We've just celebrated Thanksgiving and it's coming up to Christmas."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5588 Dec 6, 2012
My pet turkey has escaped from the closet where I've been keeping him and he's really mad.
I'm going to have to make a run for it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5589 Dec 6, 2012
Christmas puns are really annoying. Stop using them or yule be sorry.
Level 7

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#5590 Dec 6, 2012
I saw a girl texting while driving.
I was so annoyed I wound down my window and threw my beer at her car.

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5591 Dec 6, 2012
Two friends met coming out of church.
"Oh, Maggie, I have something to tell you. The preacher said to only say things that are good, and boy, is this good."

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5592 Dec 7, 2012
So this harp seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"
The seal responds, "Anything but Canadian Club".

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5593 Dec 7, 2012
My buddy tricked me into going to a new bar by saying "There are tons of girls there."

He told the truth but there were only, like, five girls.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5594 Dec 7, 2012
A man walks back to the meat case at Kroger and asks the butcher for a pound of what's what. The butcher, puzzled, informs the man that they don't sell what's what.

The guy leaves, but comes back the next day and ask for the same thing. The butcher thinks the guy must be pulling his leg, so he chuckles and informs the man that they do not sell what's what.

The guy leave but comes back the next say and again asks for a pound of what's what. The butcher sighs and says "Stop wasting my time. I've told you before we don't sell what's what, nor have we ever heard of it."

So the guy points at something in the meat case and says "Well, then what's that?"

And the butcher says "What's what?"

And the guy says "I thought so. I'll have one pound of it."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5595 Dec 7, 2012
Yesterday my buddy asked me "Which do you like more, Christmas or sex?"

"Christmas, of course!"

Surprised, he asked "Why is that?"

"Because it happens more often."

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5596 Dec 7, 2012
A Newfie was visiting his doctor for his annual physical when the doctor noticed his scrotum had been badly scalded. When he asked the Newf how it happened, the Newf told him it happened when he was making some tea.
The doctor in disbelief asked, "How in the world do you scald your scrotum making tea?"

The Newfie replied, "Cuz the directions said to soak bag in b'ilin' water."

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5597 Dec 7, 2012
Husband to wife during sex: "Your box is too tight and your tits are too small!"

Wife to husband: "Get off my back!"

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5598 Dec 7, 2012
Man, I hope this Christmas is better than last Christmas. All I got last year was a lousy T-shirt and a piece of tail, and the T-shirt was the only thing that fit.

“Colleges Search Engine ”

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

www.schoolanduniversity.com

#5600 Dec 8, 2012
Funny question and answer .....

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.

Q: How is a lawyer different from a hooker?
A: There are some things a hooker just won't do.

Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.

Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack

Q: What's Black and Brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Taffy

Arlington, TX

#5601 Dec 8, 2012
A little boy asked his mother, "What's a penis?" The mother looked shocked and said,"that's a mans private parts....sshhh." The little boy looked puzzled and asked his mom, "well then what's a prick?" The mother bursted out laughing and said,"Oh that's just the rest of him!".........

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5602 Dec 8, 2012
If the First World War was a Bar Fight it would go
something like this.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together
in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austriaís pint.
Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austriaís
point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a
bit.

Serbia points out that it canít afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austriaís trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who itís looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany if itís looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that itís on Britainís side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting.

Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germanyís fault.

While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

The End.
Taffy

Arlington, TX

#5603 Dec 8, 2012
Whisgean Zoda wrote:
If the First World War was a Bar Fight it would go
something like this.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together
in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.
Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s
point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a
bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany if it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting.

Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault.

While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

The End.
Brilliant!

Level 2

Since: May 12

Dublin, Ireland

#5604 Dec 8, 2012
That is bloody clever!! Ya gotta do world war II:)

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