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Level 8

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#5561
Nov 25, 2012
 

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A newspaper reporter calls the French Ambassador in Washington D.C. and asks him what he’d like for Christmas. "I couldn’t possibly accept gifts in my position," the Ambassador said.

The reporter insists, saying he can have anything he wants no matter how big or small.

So the Ambassador finally says "Well..... If you insist.... I suppose I could accept a small box of chocolates."

Two days later the Ambassador was looking through the local paper and read "We recently asked a number of Ambassadors what they’d like for Christmas. The British Ambassador said he’d like universal peace, the German Ambassador said he’d like prosperity for the world’s poor, the Spanish Ambassador said he'd like fairness and equality world-wide, and the French Ambassador said he’d like a small box of candy."

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Since: Feb 12

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#5562
Nov 29, 2012
 
A blonde city-girl named Judy marries a Saskatchewan rancher. One morning,
on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Judy, "The
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I
drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the
barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher
leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man
arrives and knocks on the front door. Judy takes him down to the barn. They
walk along the row of cows and when Judy sees the nail, she tells him, "This
is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead
blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know
that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the
nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely
at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde
turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang
your pants on."
Hoosier Hillbilly

Milltown, IN

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#5563
Nov 29, 2012
 
Ths'n just for "U" QQ.

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said,'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.


Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said,'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said,'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys.

“Gone Fishin', bye!”

Level 9

Since: Jul 11

.......¿.......

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#5564
Nov 29, 2012
 

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A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the azz."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

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#5565
Nov 29, 2012
 
One year an official from the FAA showed up at the North Pole. The official checks out the sleigh then sits beside Santa for a test flight. Santa was surprised to see that the FAA guy has a shotgun, and asks "What’s that for?"

The FAA guy leans over and says "I shouldn't be telling you this, but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."

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#5566
Nov 29, 2012
 
My uncle got an SUV for his 81st birthday: Socks, Underwear and Viagra. (He admits he is 81, but insists it's only 27 Celsius.)

“I will gladly pay you Tuesday”

Level 7

Since: Jul 12

for a hamburger today.

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#5567
Nov 29, 2012
 

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A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

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#5568
Nov 30, 2012
 

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My wife was upset when she saw I bought our grandson a Barbie for Christmas. She says he's way too young to be cooking outside.

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Since: Oct 12

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#5570
Nov 30, 2012
 

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Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years. This year,

Ralph's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. And thus he calls

his buddies and tells them the bad news. Two days later, the other guys arrive at

the resort to begin their yearly golf getaway. And of all things, they find Ralph

sitting there with his clubs already set up on his cart."Dang Ralphie boy, how

did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty
Shades Of Gray," she pulled me into our bedroom. On the bed she had
handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did."
Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

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#5571
Nov 30, 2012
 

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Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said,'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked.'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said,'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Level 2

Since: May 12

Cashel, Ireland

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#5572
Nov 30, 2012
 
Heh heh heh:)

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

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#5574
Nov 30, 2012
 

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Stephen Hawking is expected to make a full recovery from a recent virus he caught. Doctors performed a "system restore" to a safe point in November, and his family says he's now looking forward to Christmas.

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#5575
Nov 30, 2012
 
My grandson came home from school last week and asked his dad "How come other kids leave milk and cookies out for Santa and we leave hot wings and a six pack of Bud?"
Hoosier Hillbilly

Salem, IN

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#5576
Dec 1, 2012
 

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http://us.f1209.mail.yahoo.com/ya/downlo....=...

SENSITIVITY

Reasons why men need sensitivity training

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Beverly.

* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
Hoosier Hillbilly

Salem, IN

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#5577
Dec 1, 2012
 

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Patty Finch

Message starred

Saturday, December 1, 2012 2:06 AM





John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
Wow," said The Banker , "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied John.

"What kind of pills?" asked The Banker

"I don't know, but they have a peppermint taste."

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

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#5578
Dec 1, 2012
 

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True story: I once worked in a police station and had to type up what the patrolmen wrote on the tickets. One young man had written, "Subject was driving erotically."

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Since: Dec 10

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#5580
Dec 1, 2012
 
My buddy is going away this Christmas. Three years. For possession of marijuana.

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#5581
Dec 1, 2012
 
While putting our tree up, the wife said it reminds her of me......

It stands there doing nothing
It only looks nice 12 days a year
Very rarely gets turned on
Has very little up top
The older it gets, the more dry and worn-out it becomes
Fake ones are better, but you stick with what you've got
Anonymous

Brisbane, Australia

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#5582
Dec 2, 2012
 
Keep smiling,

>>>>> MILITARY HUMOR <<<<<



On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

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Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!"
Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

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Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.


Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

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An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whore-house! "

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like."

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"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!



~DeVine.

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Since: Dec 10

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#5583
Dec 2, 2012
 

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My buddy saw a plane go down and called 911, yelling "You're going to need ambulances, fire engine, police, everything you've got!"

He likes to think of himself as a hero, but the cops call him "That idiot who lives near the airport."

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