“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#5543 Nov 18, 2012
I got really angry at my niece for being fat and lazy. "All you do is sit about the house" I moaned "Away and make use of that skipping rope I bought you!" She must have broken into one hell of a sweat in the last week because there's a horrendous smell emanating from her room.

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#5544 Nov 18, 2012
A drover, who just moved to Queensland from Victoria, walks into a bar and orders three glasses of XXXX. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them,
He comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the drover "You know, a glass goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time". The cattleman replies "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in Tassie (Tasmania), the other one's a sandgroper (West Aussie). When we all left our home in Echuca' we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself".

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The drover becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round the bartender says "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss".

The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine" he explains "It's just that my wife and I joined the church and I had to quit drinkin'... hasn't affected my brothers though!"

(I may have told this one before)

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#5545 Nov 18, 2012
Ineptocracy:

A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.

If it was a joke, it'd be funny.

“*=* Always Thinking *=*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5546 Nov 20, 2012
In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.
A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members,Lived on
the first floor, they died.


An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats,All illegally in the country from
Kenya , lived on the second floor,And they, too, all perished in the fire.

6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Bangers, & ex-cons,Lived on the 3rd floor and they,
too, died.

A lone, white couple lived on the top floor.

The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!!They flew into LA
and met with the fire chief, on camera.They loudly demanded to know,Why
the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics,All died in the fire and why only
the White couple lived?

The Fire Chief said,"They were at work"

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5547 Nov 20, 2012
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "C'Mon....You 're pulling my leg."

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?
~~~~
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You 're obviously not listening."
~~~~
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
~~~~
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point:
The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !
Who knew?
----------
~~~~~
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
~~~~~
A buddy of mine has just told me he 's screwing his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother 's got a mustache."
~~~~~
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it 's regular porn, you sick bastard."
~~~~~

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5548 Nov 21, 2012
The male version of "50 Shades Of Gray" is out. It's called Black Ops 2.

“Don't Tease My Rooster”

Level 9

Since: Jul 11

It Makes Him Cocky

#5549 Nov 22, 2012
Prepping the bird:

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

m

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5550 Nov 22, 2012
You know you're a bad cook when...

You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk. When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

Your pie-filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.

You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

Your family prays AFTER they eat!

Level 2

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#5551 Nov 23, 2012
The maggots get take-out:P
Hoosier Hillbilly

Elkhart, IN

#5552 Nov 24, 2012
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.

Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
frogmann

Pittsburgh, PA

#5553 Nov 24, 2012
&fe ature=plcp
Ok heres the joke?

Old Farts
Hoosier Hillbilly

Elkhart, IN

#5554 Nov 24, 2012
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Moq6mXsUEPc/SkDx4Gu...

"U" have a =sick= mind frogmann!

Level 6

Since: Jan 12

Location hidden

#5555 Nov 24, 2012
sick mind?

no no no... he's a stinker!
lmao
Hoosier Hillbilly

Elkhart, IN

#5556 Nov 24, 2012
cute-Gud thnk'n QC!

“I will gladly pay you Tuesday”

Level 7

Since: Jul 12

for a hamburger today.

#5557 Nov 24, 2012
Two people having sex is called a twosome,
Three people having sex is called a threesome,
I am beginning to understand why folks call you handsome.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5558 Nov 24, 2012
According to the Mayans, the world is going to end in a couple of weeks. By my calculations, that is just enough time for me to save us all.

Even though I'm doing it as a public service and expect nothing in return, I'm willing to accept donations of cash, property and flashy cars. I'll even consider other gratuities.

Now excuse me... I have to get started before it's too late. If you're still here on the 22nd of December, you will know that I was successful.
Hoosier Hillbilly

Elkhart, IN

#5559 Nov 25, 2012
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith "

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5560 Nov 25, 2012
I happened to be behind a blond who was using the ATM machine. As she was getting her cash, I jokingly said "Hey, I saw your PIN... it's dot, dot, dot, dot" and she said "HA! You're wrong! It's 1-5-6-6!"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5561 Nov 25, 2012
A newspaper reporter calls the French Ambassador in Washington D.C. and asks him what he’d like for Christmas. "I couldn’t possibly accept gifts in my position," the Ambassador said.

The reporter insists, saying he can have anything he wants no matter how big or small.

So the Ambassador finally says "Well..... If you insist.... I suppose I could accept a small box of chocolates."

Two days later the Ambassador was looking through the local paper and read "We recently asked a number of Ambassadors what they’d like for Christmas. The British Ambassador said he’d like universal peace, the German Ambassador said he’d like prosperity for the world’s poor, the Spanish Ambassador said he'd like fairness and equality world-wide, and the French Ambassador said he’d like a small box of candy."

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5562 Nov 29, 2012
A blonde city-girl named Judy marries a Saskatchewan rancher. One morning,
on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Judy, "The
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I
drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the
barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher
leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man
arrives and knocks on the front door. Judy takes him down to the barn. They
walk along the row of cows and when Judy sees the nail, she tells him, "This
is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead
blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know
that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the
nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely
at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde
turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang
your pants on."

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