“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#5521 Nov 10, 2012
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the US Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals".

Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today's lesson.

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#5522 Nov 10, 2012
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

“What did you expect? ”

Level 4

Since: Oct 10

Didn't even notice, did you?

#5523 Nov 10, 2012
Obahma told the White House Chef to bake a sheet cake with butter cream frosting lage enough to feed a Long Island city block and handed him a message with what he wanted to be written on it.

The note read "From FEMA.gov ".

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5524 Nov 11, 2012
A farmer's three daughters leave one night for dates with their new boyfriends: an Airman, a Soldier, and a Sailor.

The girls all bring their dates home that night. The next morning the farmer wakes up bright and early to meet the boys his daughters have brought home.

The Marine comes down at 5:45, clean, pressed, and spit-shined, eats two eggs, an apple, and a glass of milk, says, "Thank you for breakfast, sir" and leaves.

The Airman comes down looking fairly squared-away at 06:30, eats three eggs, two slices of bacon, two pices of toast, and has a glass of orange juice. He says, "Thanks for the chow" and leaves.

At 10:00, the farmer gets tired of sitting inside, so heads to the back yard to do some chores. The Sailor comes running out the back door with his white top stained, neckerchief missing, one shoe on and holding the other shoe in one hand and a scorched old cup of coffee in the other, and yells "Later!" on his way out of the yard and down the street.

His daughters come down a short time later, and he asks them all for accounts of their evenings. The girl who'd been out with the Airman says "He was a perfect gentleman. He bought me dinner and a couple of drinks, gave me a hundred dollars to buy myself something nice, and retired at 22:00 to the spare bedroom to sleep".

The girl who'd been out with the Soldier said "He was a nice guy, we each paid for our own meals, and he tried to sneak a kiss off me. He was sort of drunk, so I let him sleep in my bed,
while I took the floor, but, he did give me fifty dollars to buy myself something nice".

The third daughter, looking ragged and worn down, talking about her date with the Sailor, says, "That asshole! He came over last night smelling like booze, and finished a bottle of whiskey he'd brought with him. He passed out on my bed last night after repeatedly trying to get my pants off, and this morning he borrowed a hundred bucks 'til payday."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5525 Nov 11, 2012
Having passed the enlistment physical, a guy was asked by the doctor "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5526 Nov 11, 2012
Five Most Dangerous Statements In The Army:

A private saying "I learned this in Basic Training..."

A Corporal saying "Trust me, sir..."

A 2nd Lieutenant saying "Based on my experience..."

A Captain saying "I was just thinking..."

A Master Sergeant saying "Watch this shit..."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5527 Nov 11, 2012
Airman Jones is walking past the duty desk when the phone rings. He answers and a voice asks "Airman, can you tell me the status of tail number 1203?"

"Well, sir, the #1 engine is due inspection and the UHF radio needs to be swapped, but fat-ass Johnson won't sign the release order."

"Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No sir."

"This is Major Johnson!"

"Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"Not yet!"

"Good! Bye, Fat-Ass!"

“Fishin" in the Moonlight”

Level 9

Since: Jul 11

.......¿.......

#5528 Nov 11, 2012
A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says: "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a colleague of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Matt ?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.





“Just a lil' humor there.....”

Since: Sep 12

OR NOT .... <[;-)

#5529 Nov 11, 2012
SLY WEST wrote:
A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says: "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a colleague of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Matt ?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
D@NG and LOL!!!
:)

Since: Jul 11

Tulsa, OK

#5530 Nov 11, 2012
Some Nutjob wrote:
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the US Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals".

Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today's lesson.
Amen

“= Always Thinking =”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5531 Nov 12, 2012
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout,'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks,''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells,''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies,''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5532 Nov 13, 2012
A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest you know what in town. One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and ask him why he's got the biggest schlong around.

“Well,” says Bubba,“every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on the bedpost three times.”
“That's it?” asks the drunk.
“Yup,” says Bubba.

So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and says,“Bubba, is that you?”

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5533 Nov 14, 2012
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

==========

A man comes home from work early to find his wife in bed with three men.
He is completely shocked and shouts,''Hello, Hello, Hello!''
His wife whines, "What? No hello for me!?!"

“= Always Thinking =”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#5534 Nov 15, 2012
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high- security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base " briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5535 Nov 15, 2012

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5536 Nov 16, 2012
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTHERN ALBERTA COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN SHE DIED.
SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5537 Nov 16, 2012
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.
When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.
The husband says, "I can deal with that."
He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you anyway."

The husband says, "I have something to confess also."
She says, "No matter what I will still love you."
He says, "Okay. I am built like a baby down there."
She says, "I can deal with that."
So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.
She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"
He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 19inches."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5538 Nov 18, 2012
A cab driver picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5539 Nov 18, 2012
Those Brits are so clever...

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5540 Nov 18, 2012
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

The five stages of wearing a condom.

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