Come on...Tell me a joke

[Hoof Arted]

I stopped at a pedistrian crossing today to let an old woman cross the road.

"Could you walk any slower?" I roared out the window. "Get a f*cking move on, you old biddy!"

"What an ill-mannered young man!" She spat. "People like you shouldn't be allowed on the road."

And I yelled "Well, we'll let the examiner decide that when I've finished, won't we?"

[Oneluckygal]

When asked his opinion on Rowe vs wade.... Obama responded, I don't care how they get out of NYC.

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

http://us.f1209.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download...

[Phil the Grillmaster]

Oneluckygal wrote:

When asked his opinion on Rowe vs wade.... Obama responded, I don't care how they get out of NYC.

Re-used Katrina joke.

Nice.

[Oneluckygal]

Phil the Grillmaster wrote:

<quoted text>
Re-used Katrina joke.
Nice.

Even worse, stolen from FB. Shoot me.

[Oneluckygal]

Over 5500 posts on this thread, have you read every one? If so, get a job.

[x-pitcher]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said,''I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's ''the'' night. We''re having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[The Real Jesus]

My friend, Buddha likes to tell this one. Bu8t whenever I'm in earshot, I feel forced to banish him to Purgatory for part of an Eternity or two.

Did you hear the one about the Zen Buddhist in the Burger King drive-through?

He said, "Make me One with Everything."

[hillbilly mirror]

ole Haud a hermit hillbilly, who had not left his woods in forty years,decided to go into town one afternoon to see what was new.Seeing a general store he goes inside and after looking around for a while,having never seen one before, picks up a mirror looking into the glass he says well "lookee here they done got a picher of me old paw." he paid for the mirror and started for home remembering that his wife Sue Ellen did'nt like his Daddy, ole Haud decided to put the picture in the barn, he went out to the barn every morning to look at the picture of his Daddy and daydream, carefully replacing the mirror back on its post, each time.Sue Ellen soon became suspesous of her mates odd behavier ran out to the barn, after Haud left for the fields the next day. spying the mirror just inside the barn, Sue Ellen snapped up the mirror and fumed...

wait for it...

So that's the ugly bitch he's bin runnin aroun with

[Hoof Arted]

I want to get a DVD from eBay but I'm confused. Do I click 'Buy' or 'Watch this item'?

I want to do both.

[Hoof Arted]

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says "Have you seen Eileen?"

The guy asks " Eileen who?"

The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man walks out and goes to a bar across the street. While drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him "You know what you should do? You should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says "Ben who/" you say "I bend over and you kiss my butt."

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.
And the Bartender said "Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks" Eileen who?"

[quilterqueen]

I was out walking with my grandson. He picked up something off of the
ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from
him and I asked him not to do that.

"Why?" my grandson asked.

"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs, and sometimes germs make little boys
sick and not feel good" I replied.

At this point, my grandson looked at me with total admiration and
asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly and said to him, "All grandmas know stuff.
It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you
be a grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently
pondering this new information.

"Oh...I get it! He beamed, So if you don't pass the test you have to
be the grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.

[x-pitcher]

Men's English

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." =$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

and FINALLY...(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY dress and let's go home !

[x-pitcher]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

[Phil the Grillmaster]

What do you call a tribe of Navajos with breast cancer?

Indian Nippleless 500.

[good punmanship]

A Demovrat made a peace offering to a Republican. He said that he woukd kiss the Republican's elephant if the Republican would kiss his a--.

[Hoof Arted]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Hefner:'How do you always know it's me?'

[Hoof Arted]

I heard that Mrs Romney is happy about Obama's victory because now she won't have to move into a smaller house.

[Some Nutjob]

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!"

The golfer replies "My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?"

The keeper replies "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!"

[Some Nutjob]

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her Husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling" he says "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"